Dani I flinch when Bonnie puts her hand on my shoulder, but she doesn’t remove it. “You didn’t tell him about the baby.” “Didn’t seem like the right time.” My voice is flat, but I manage to lift my eyes to Bonnie’s. A tentative, bitter laugh es capes her, then spreads to me. I shake my head and turn to stare at the door. “He hates me.” “He doesn’t hate you.” “He thinks I manipulated him into this relationship, then stabbed him in the back. He doesn’t believe that Richard lied about the technology. I was an idiot for confronting Richard before speaking to Emil.” Actually, I was a fucking fool. So naive, so stupid to think Richard would do as I asked. I thought he’d agreed to expose his crimes? I thought with one simple conversation, he’d come clean... just because? All of a sudden, he wouldn’t turn around and try to hurt me, to protect himself? I must have lost my mind. Truly lost every intelligent brain cell I ever possessed. I am So. Fucking. Dumb. Bonnie clears her throat and sits down next to me. “Tell me, Dani. You’ve never told me what happened to you. I want to know. Tell me everything.” Maybe it’s exhaustion, or total emotional collapse. Maybe it’s the fact that Emil tore down my walls one by one, and now I’m too weak to resist. Maybe it’s that Bonnie is the first person since my grandmother to show me any kindness, but I do. I start at the beginning and tell her everything about my old job, about Richard—his attention, his affection, his manipulation—and about the years when I ran away from it all. I tell her about my relationship with Emil, and how it developed into something de ep and endless that I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from. I tell her about meeting Richard this morning, giving him the ultimatum. Either he comes clean to Emil, or I leak the documents. I was a fucking fool. I didn’t think he’d turn Emil against me. Richard outmaneuvered me because I was naive enough to forget that Richard loves to tell lies. In my head, the only options were to tell Emil the truth or face the consequences. How could I be so stupid? How could I not even consider that Richard would go on the offensive? All he had to do was slip poison in Emil’s ear, and this whole relationship crumbled to dust. When I’m done talking, I feel empty. No lighter, but at least I’m not so full of pain and hurt and the weight of the past. Just... empty. “I was a coward,” I say. “All those years, I was a coward. That’s why I’m in this mess.” “You were protecting yourself. You survived.” I shake my head, but Bonnie grabs my chin. “Do you know how hard it is for women to leave abusive relationships? You were in one, Dani, and you had the courage to leave. Not only that, but you had to leave your entire life behind. Your job, your support system. Everything. Don’t downplay how much strength that took. Don’t sit here and call yourself a
coward and a fool when you’ve survived what would make most people crumble. You’re the strongest, bravest person I know. You stood up to the man who terrorized you, and this was his parting shot. But you will survive this too.” I listen to her, but the words just bounce off me like they’re hitting a hard shell. Leaning back against the sofa, I close my eyes. “I should have gone to Emil first. I should have told him my ex was Richard as soon as I saw that contract, shown him all the documents. I thought...” I close my eyes. “I thought that if Richard came clean, Emil could make his own decisions about the deal. I thought it was better that way. I thought maybe... maybe there was a chance Richard had changed. I didn’t think Richard would turn Emil against me.” “Emil should have listened to you without accusing you of all those awful things. He should have set aside his anger and approached this like a grown man instead of having a temper tantrum.” Sighing, I braid my fingers over my stomach. Bonnie’s eyes follow the movement. “Will you tell him about the baby?” I shrug. “Eventually. Probably.” She nods. “He’ll think I did this on purpose too, you know.” I stare out at the darkening sky, the heaviness of the falling night like a physical weight pressing me down. “He’ll think I was like his wife, that I seduced him and got pregnant to ensnare him.” “Then he’s a fool and he never deserved you or your baby.” A tear leaks from my eye. I don’t bother brushing it away. Bonnie leans back against the sofa beside me and we sit in silence for a while. I don’t know how long. Long enough for the glittering lights of the city to spread out like a tapestry before us. “I need to go,” I say, my voice raspy in the silence. “You need to stay.” “There’s nothing for me here.” “I’m here.” Bonnie nudges my shoulder. “Do I mean nothing to you?” I lean my head against her, another tear falling down my cheek. “I can’t stay in the city. It’ll kill me.” “My family has an estate in Vermont. You can stay there as long as you like.” “I can’t—” “It’s not charity, Dani. It’s a house that no one is living in, surrounded by trees and nature and complete serenity. There’s a town a few miles away with the obstetrician that took care of my mother. He’s probably a zillion years old by now, but he’s good. I’ll get you an appointment. You’ll go there, you’ll relax, and you’ll have some space and time to think about your next st eps. You won’t say no because you feel like running away. Understood?” Tears are streaming down my face now, and no matter how much I brush them away, I can’t quite ke ep up. “I’m so sick of running, Bonnie. I thought I had a life here.” “You do. You’ll stay in Vermont until you feel steady again, and then you can either stay there longer or come back here to get a job. I’m sure Linda will be happy to have you back at the daycare, and she’ll make a spot for your baby, too. You have a support system, babe. A big one. Everything will work out.” Her arms are strong and warm when they wrap around me, but the weak part of me misses the solidness of Emil’s body. The steel-hard muscles that were my own personal pillow were comfortable and safe and mine.
Wiping my eyes, I nod. “Thank you.” “Don’t mention it. I’m calling in sick to work for the rest of the week to help you get settled up there.” “You just want to ke ep an eye on me to make sure I don’t run away.” Her grin is a white slash of teeth. “Maybe.” A wet laugh bubbles out of me as Bonnie gives me another tight hug, whispering a thousand soothing words. None of them ease the crushing weight on my shoulders. None of them bring Emil back to me. None of them make the future any less desolate without him. We arrive in Vermont the next day, taking a cab from the airport to a hilly, forested area de ep in the countryside. “This place is gorgeous in the fall,” Bonnie says. “You’ll love it. The trees will start changing in a few weeks, and the hills will look incredible. A rolling tapestry of green and orange and yellow and red. It’s amazing.” I nod. “The air smells fresh.” Even if my heart is bitter. Emil hasn’t contacted me. I sent him all the files I had. I did it without hesitating, without even questioning it. The biggest secret of my life, the biggest shame, the one thing that made me feel safe all those years I was on my own—I gave it to him without question. I expected—hoped—for a response. An acknowledgement that he’d received the documents at least, that he was considering looking through them. Maybe a nod to show that he realized how much trust it took for me to send those damning documents to him. It’s my name all over those fraudulent tests. Apart from a few key emails, it’s me who was set up to take the fall. But I sent those files to Emil without hesitation, because I needed him to know, to understand, that I didn’t betray him. I didn’t lie to him. I was trying to help him. I just thought I’d have a chance to explain before it blew up in my face. All I’ve gotten back is complete radio silence. So when we arrive at Bonnie’s beautiful vacation home, I force a smile onto my lips even though all I want to do is curl up into a ball and forget about the world. The five- bedroom, five-bathroom mansion is painted white on the outside with a red roof and matching red shutters. Tall trees shade the driveway, with a lush green lawn sprawled out all around. A porch lines the front of the house, with an old rocking chair near the door. Bonnie opens a weatherproof trunk and pulls out a few outdoor cushions for the chair, patting them down with affectionate movements. “There,” she says with a smile. “Best place in the whole house.” Inside, it’s homey and inviting. Nothing at all like her contemporary Manhattan apartment, this place is full of knickknacks collected over generations, antique furniture, rugs worn with age. Bonnie smiles and hums to herself as she opens the place up, clearly at home here. Upstairs, I’m greeted with a worn but clean carpet, walls full of family photos, and five big, comfortable bedrooms. As I close the door to my bedroom and cross the space to open the window in the slightly musty room, I lean against the bug screen and stare out at the forest beyond. Maybe I’ll feel at home here too. Maybe this type of place—a house that has love stitched into its very construction—will be the start of my healing.
I cut out the past, and now I need to build myself back up... somehow. And I need to do it within the next six or seven months so I’m ready for this baby. A butterfly lands on the bug screen next to my face. I watch it flap, then still, as if it too feels settled here. Letting out a long breath, I turn to the quilted bedspread, the family photos, the scratched furniture. Yes —I’ll stay here. Even if I can’t heal from the raw, aching wound that Emil left in my chest, at least I can start healing from my past. I’ll start with my grandmother’s passing, from the grief I never really was able to soothe, and move forward from there. I’ll take this gift from Bonnie and hopefully, by the time the baby comes, I won’t feel like my twisted, broken heart has been shredded by poisoned claws. Bonnie stays with me for three days, showing me around the area, introducing me to the staff at the doctor’s office, setting me up with groceries and everything I need. I try to protest, try to tell her it’s too much, but she just holds up her hand and carries on spoiling me. The broken, dark part of my heart curls around her affection and clings to it. Without Emil, I feel cold, empty. Bonnie’s attention staves off the worst of my darkness, but I know it’ll swallow me once she leaves. And it does. As soon as the taxi takes her away, I watch the taillights disappear and sink down onto the porch rocking chair, finally letting loose a flood of tears. When I’m worn out and puff-eyed, I head inside and make myself some food, then I curl up on the sofa until it’s time for bed. A week after I arrive in Vermont, I still haven’t heard from Emil. The darkness inside me yawns, de ep and endless. In the mornings, I scrape myself out of bed and force myself to walk through the multitude of crisscrossing nature trails that run through the property, if only to get my body moving a bit. I take books from the expansive private library, drifting toward the romance section even though reading about love makes my heart ache. I eat, clean, read, walk, and generally try to forget about my life in New York. I succeed during the daylight hours, busy with the thousand and one tasks I set for myself. But when the sun goes down, leaving behind a biting chill, the darkness inside me comes knocking. Layla texts me often and I invite her to come here for a few days, but she can’t make it. She has responsibilities in New York, things I’m sure she’s not telling me about. Bonnie can’t make it to Vermont for another month or more, so I’m alone. As I walk through the forest one sunny day, I listen to the birds chittering overhead as the wind rustles through the trees, a sudden onslaught of black emotion making me pause to lean against a tree trunk. My breaths are shallow, my emotions threatening to drag me under. It hurts. Everything hurts so damn much. I never used to mind being alone. When I was on the road, running from my past, loneliness was a fact of life. I convinced myself I liked it, craved it, needed it. I cut myself off from all intimacy and told myself it was for the best. I was bitter, angry, pushing everyone away. But Emil gave me a taste of how good life could be, and now I can’t go back to the old me. Without the twisted fear of Richard finding me to ke ep me going, I realize I have nothing. I’m alone. Truly alone. Exc ept... With one hand gripping the rough bark of the tree, I slide my other hand over my abdomen. Not alone—not anymore.
Straightening myself up, I take a trembling breath and let the wave of emotions break against me. I did the right thing in confronting Richard. I should have spoken to Emil, but I did the right thing. His company is safe, even if he hates me. I’ll never regret it. And I won’t regret this baby, either. Taking a de ep breath of fresh forest air, I square my shoulders and ke ep walking. One st ep after another, over the winding dirt paths and through the trees, I let the sounds and smells and sights of the forest soothe my aching soul. I may be on my own, but I’m not alone. The baby, Bonnie, Layla—I have tentative, shallow roots here. I don’t need to run away from them. I may have made mistakes, but I’m not weak. I won’t crumble. When I get back to the house, there’s an email waiting for me on the cell phone I’d left behind, preferring to walk through the woods unencumbered by technology. My knees buckle when I read Emil’s name on the notification, hands trembling as I click on the message. It’s painfully short. Went through these documents, it says. Can I call you? Two weeks it took for him to acknowledge that he got the files I sent. Fifteen days, actually. Not that I’m counting. I read his message a dozen times, then place my phone aside, leaning against the wall as I blow out a breath. He wants to call me. Say yes, the loneliness inside me screams. Call him now! Beg him to forgive you. But I pause, turning my head to glance out the open front door. My shoes echo on the timber floors as I walk outside, sinking into the rocking chair that, just as Bonnie predicted, has quickly become my favorite place in the house. Wind rustles through the lawn, a leaf fluttering down to rest between the blades of grass. Birds call and respond to each other, and I turn my nose up to take a de ep breath. The world goes on, oblivious to the void inside me. Emil ignored me for two weeks after I sent him my biggest secret. I bared myself to him completely, gave him the stack of documents that have always been the death blow to my career. And he waited fifteen days. In those fifteen long days, my pain has compressed to something diamond-hard. An anger rooted in the de epest parts of me, borne of all the years of pain I’ve endured. He turned his back on me when it would have been just as easy to forgive, to understand. He walked away from me. Is that really the type of man I want in my life? The type of man I want to raise my child? How many times will I have to be on my own? If he gets angry at me again, will he walk away? Will he carry his pain until his dying breath, punishing me for his dead wife’s mistakes? I don’t deserve to be spoken to like he spoke to me at Bonnie’s apartment. He walked in, wrapped up in a coat of fury, and flung accusations at me like blades. Richard used to do that to me, use his words like weapons. He did it at the coffee shop when I made it clear I wouldn’t back down, and he did it all the years we were together. I won’t acc ept that from Emil, or any other man who says he cares about me.
The night before I confronted Richard, Emil told me he wanted me to be part of his life. He told me he wanted our relationship to be real. But how real could it be when he doesn’t even respect me enough to let me speak? He wanted me to slot into his life like a perfect little housewife, taking care of his kids in his house with his money. Is that really the best I can do for myself? Is that really worth the price? I’d have to give up the very fabric of who I am. My ind ependence, my pride, my brain. His silence these past few weeks has only driven that point home. He cared about me when I fit into the box he built for me. I was perfect with the kids, docile, sensual. Doing exactly what he wanted during the day, I fell into bed with him every night. But as soon as my existence didn’t fit with his ideas, he tossed me aside. What kind of life is that? What kind of partnership can I possibly expect with a man who just wants me to slot into his life without causing any ripples? Watching another leaf fall to the ground, I brace myself and stand up. With steady hands, I pick up my cell phone. It’s time to face him, but I won’t beg for forgiveness. Not when he’s as much in the wrong as I am. Not when I have a baby growing inside me who deserves a strong mother, someone who will fight for respect, who won’t let herself be trampled for the scraps of attention of a man who will just as easily toss me aside. There won’t be any more nannying during the day followed by blistering lovemaking at night, love given behind closed doors. I deserve more. I am strong. I’m worthy of true affection, of respect. I should have a life that I want, that fulfills me. With the strength of those thoughts urging me on, I find Emil’s name in my phone and tap the button to call him.