S i n c l a i r ’ve stayed away from Elyse and stayed away from Alchemy more generally over the past week. There’s nothing for me at the club exc ept for her, and, having effectively secured my monopoly over her in that conference room last week, I figured I owed myself—and her—the courtesy of some time to reflect on what I want next. More time with her, naturally. More time inside of her, more accurately. But the occasional stolen hour at Alchemy won’t cut it anymore; I know that much. I need more—and it certainly hasn’t taken me a week to figure that out. Nowhere near. Still, I’ve bided my time for reasons I’m not entirely clear on. But nothing blows away the cobwebs of conflict and self-doubt like the Fall Fashion Gala. Tonight, it acts like smelling salts on my love life, returning me to clarity like only a good whiff of ammonia can do. From the moment my family and I exit our limo at the David H. Koch Theater, I’m mobbed by paparazzi. On the red carpet, I give them what I consider to be an obliging smile and wave—yes, I’m wearing Tom Ford; yes, the Vosses are thrilled to support this wonderful cultural cause—before accompanying my sister Melissa to pose in front of the meet-and-greet. She’s the perfect armor for now, golden and glowing in custom Rodarte, the label sponsoring this year’s event. But, as soon as we get inside, I’m fair game. Turning up with your sister on your arm says you’re a family man, but it unfortunately also tells everyone you’re unattached. I smile and air-kiss my way through the cocktail rec eption. Whitney Halsey and Tatty Sedgwick and every other godforsaken female from Long Island are, it appears, here tonight. Having failed at Mom’s birthday lunch to extract the coveted invitation as my date to this thing, they’ve shown up anyway. While I wouldn’t presume to think they’re all here to make another play for me, it’s hard to draw another conclusion, given the hair-flicking, handsiness, and general refusal to acknowledge basic boundaries. The ballet performances are, I have to admit, stunning. There’s one petite brunette, so ethereal and with such a pure line, who reminds me of Elyse. She makes me wonder if the woman I can’t get out of my head has a dance background. She also makes me feel as though the universe is winking at me, taunting me, even. Why the fuck am I sitting here with the same fucking people I’ve been making small talk with my entire life, when I could be at Alchemy, seeing her? Moving forward with her? I endure dinner, behaving, of course, with impeccable manners and what I hope is the unrelenting charm I’ve been bred to exude on demand. Sometimes, I marvel that nobody can see I’m dead behind the eyes. Sometimes, I feel uncannily like Newland Archer in The Age of Innocence, allowing himself to be slowly buried beneath a mountain of hot coals. The pain of dinner is alleviated momentarily by watching my brother Xander fangirling over Sarah Jessica Parker, the gala’s creator, who drops by our table to pay her respects. I swear, seeing SJP is the highlight of his year, and I get it. She’s pretty fucking fabulous.
But as soon as dinner is done and my parents and siblings have disappeared off into the throng, I adopt one of my absolute favorite exports from the Emerald Isle and execute the perfect Irish goodbye. “Gansevoort and Washington,” I tell our driver, Andrew. He’ll drop me downtown and be back at the Lincoln Center hours before my folks are ready to leave their schmoozing. Entering Alchemy feels like st epping into a hyperbaric oxygen chamber after the evening I’ve had. The air is clear and Elyse, surely, is here. I know for a fact that she works Thursdays. I give the main floor a wide berth and head straight for Katrin’s office. I know what I want, and I know the fastest way to get it. T HE WAY Elyse’s eyes go wide when she sees me in my custom Tom Ford is by far the most gratifying moment of my week so far. “Wow,” she says, leaning back to shut the door of Katrin’s office without taking her eyes off me. I take her in. Simple black pants and heels and a black silky camisole edged with lace. I bet the entire outfit cost under two hundred bucks, but she looks better than every single attendee at the gala tonight—and that thing was crawling with supermodels. “I could say the same,” I say, sliding my hands into my pockets. She shakes her head and gives a little laugh. “Nope. Don’t think so.” “I do.” I stand very still as she approaches, an incredible sensation of calm washing over me. I’m alone in a room with her, and the relief of it is physical. “Katrin said you wanted to see me?” “Yeah.” I gesture toward one of the two chairs in front of Katrin’s desk. “Take a seat.” She drops elegantly down and crosses her legs. Her hair is tied back today in a sleek knot. She is perfect. I try not to think about how it felt to see her face blown up on that screen last week, try to blot out the shock of it, the salacious horror. But she’s here now, and so am I, and that’s all that matters. I reach up to tug the end of my bow tie, pulling it loose before making quick work of the top two buttons of my shirt. I’m decompressing, but I’m also hoping for a reaction—and that’s exactly what she’s giving me. Her eyes latch on to the triangle of skin I’ve exposed. “What was the occasion?” “I was at the Fall Fashion Gala. But I es caped, thank fuck.” Her face brightens in pure delight. “Oh! That’s amazing!” I’m surprised by such a genuinely enthusiastic reaction. The endless trappings and obligations of my social status are things I take for granted, for sure. But even the most lavish experiences grow tired when you attend them, year after year, driven by nothing but obligation. I imagine attending this evening’s gala with Elyse on your arm would be a whole other experience in myriad ways. “You know it?” “I always look at the red carpet reels,” she confesses with girlish glee.
“And I watch the performances on You Tube, obviously. The costumes are always so incredible. It was Rodarte this year, right?” “That’s right.” Each year, a different designer is invited to collaborate with the New York City Ballet on the costumes for these exclusive performances. It is objectively an impressive visual experience—I only wish it was a regular theatrical event with auditorium-style seating and absolutely no talking permitted. An evening sitting in the dark in total silence while a great sensory experience unfolds onstage is more my jam. “Are you a dancer?” I ask, because I’m still curious about this. “You move like a ballerina.” She laughs. “No. Definitely not. I did it for a few years and it wasn’t my thing. My mom was a ballerina, though. She danced professionally before she became a teacher.” The casual way she offers up this precious gift, this kernel of context about her, has a warmth spreading through my chest. “Oh yeah? That makes sense. You got her genes for sure.” Her smile is wistful. “I’m not sure about that. She was an amazing dancer. Moved to New York from Paris when she was twenty to chase her dreams—but it didn’t happen for her. So she met my dad and became a ballet teacher instead.” Vanessa’s words last week echo around my head. She’s even half French. I’m still trying to assimilate all these contexts—the Elyse I’ve fucked; the Elyse I can’t get out of my head and whose singular face still somehow eludes my mind’s eye in the darkest hours of the night; the Elyse whose unique allure Vanessa likened to that of a young Kate Moss; and now the Elyse whose French mother danced and chased impossible dreams that led her daughter to my doorst ep. “I bet you were a lot better than you give yourself credit for,” is all I can find to say, but I give her a smile I hope reflects how grateful I am that she’s shared a piece of herself with me. In some ways, that’s more intimate than the filthy liberties she’s allowed me upstairs. She wrinkles her nose. “Not really. So how was the gala? Was it amazing? Did you see SJP? Who else was there?” I find myself torn—torn between dismissing it, which seems a spectacularly arrogant thing to do to someone like Elyse who would kill for an invitation, and boasting about it, which is equally unthinkable. “It was beautiful,” I say instead. “Very well put together, as always. The performances were exc eptional, and SJP was her usual, gracious self. I just... I don’t love the social side of these things, you know? They can be hard work.” Fake dating is fun. Real jealousy is where it gets interesting. romance. She shakes her head in what looks like amused disbelief. “Some people. So ungrateful.” “You’ve got me.” “So what you’re saying is that you were a total waste of a ticket?” “Pretty much. My family is still there, partying away.” Networking, more like. Currying favor and bestowing favor in equal measure—my parents, anyway. Exhausting stuff.
“God,” she says. “I can’t even imagine. I bet that dance floor rocks.” A thought hits me, sharp as a shard of glass to the heart. I have to find a way to take her there next year. It’s insane, of course. This thing with Elyse can only exist behind closed doors. If that wasn’t certain enough before, my stunt last week has made sure of that. Still. Hope may be food for the soul and poison for the heart, but for now I’ll allow that nebulous sense of hope for a future where Elyse is on my arm, glittering in head-to-toe couture, to nourish my soul. “It’s pretty fun,” I say, which is what I assume she wants to hear. “Good people-watching. But you would have been the most beautiful woman there. No question.” That gets her attention pretty fast. “Come on.” She looks stunned. I guess it’s a pretty out-there assertion. Clearly, I’ve made no secret of how physically attractive I find her, but there’s a difference between ravishing her in private and making grandiose statements. I don’t care. I raised the stakes last week, and I’m ready to double down. “I’m serious. No one I’ve ever met can hold a candle to you. You are an exquisitely beautiful woman, Elyse. Which is why I want to discuss next st eps.” Okay, that was a weird mash-up of obsessive and businesslike. I press on. “I would like to discuss whether you’re open to spending an evening with me at my home. For dinner and sex, to be clear. It’s more private and more relaxed—for me, anyway. I wouldn’t expect you to spend the night, and I’d pay twenty-five grand for your time. Ideally, I’d like to make this a recurring appointment—possibly weekly. What do you think?” Her expressive face, which has broadcast her growing surprise as I’ve been speaking, suddenly shutters. She looks down at her hands, saying nothing. “What is it?” I push. “Look at me, Elyse.” She takes her time, but finally she meets my eyes. She’s still silent, and I wait. Employing boiler-room sales techniques for sex is a bad look; I realize that much. “This is surprisingly hard to say,” she says with an embarrassed little laugh, “but I don’t want to be paid.” “I beg your pardon?” She looks away again. “I’m not trying to play games here. I—I know a relationship isn’t an option, and this isn’t about trying to blur any lines.” The R-word has my heart rate ratcheting up. I stare at her, trying desperately to work out where she’s going with this. “But I’m pretty sure we’re both attracted to each other, and I’m also pretty sure you’ve just invited me over for no-strings-attached sex. And that’s cool, but there’s no need for money to change hands.” “There is,” I protest, a little too quickly. “It ke eps things transactional. It ke eps the rules clear. And it affords me a certain level of... control over the situation. If I’m paying you, I can insist that you turn up at a certain time. That you do certain things. If I’m not, that seems... ill-mannered.”
She laughs at that. “Yeah. I’d say it’s a lot more than ill-mannered. But you could suggest that our date start at a certain time, and I’d still show, because that’s basic courtesy. Most people are able to set up dates without financial incentive.” This conversation is not going the way I intended it to. I was hoping to set the terms and have her agree or negotiate. Not refuse. “Are you telling me you couldn’t use twenty-five grand?” She casts her eyes upward as if seeking strength. “Everyone could use twenty-five grand,” she says, meeting my eyes again. I don’t miss the little catch in her voice as she says it. “But needing it and feeling ethically comfortable with taking it are very different things.” Panic begins to claw at me with its icy fingers because it’s a given that I won’t feel “ethically comfortable” unless she takes it. Unless she allows me to compensate her so well for her time that I’m essentially compensating her for the campaign I killed. By my calculations, a couple of months of this arrangement would cover it nicely. “Let me tell you this,” I say. “It’s bad business to turn down money when someone is waving it in your face. Very bad business.” “You’re the businessperson here,” she says, her little face pale and steely, “but I’d say it’s bad business to pay for something that someone is offering to give you for free.” Well, fuck. She’s got me there. “What’s changed, though?” I ask. I genuinely want to understand. “You took my money the last two times, and that was higher risk. You know me better now; you know we’re sexually compatible. So why not ke ep going with our arrangement?” She looks away. I sense that negotiating this kind of stuff is as uncomfortable for her as it is unfamiliar. “That’s exactly why.” “What do you mean?” She throws her hands up in the air. “I took it the first time, with extreme reservations, I might add, because I figured that even if it was a... not-great experience, then the money would be useful, you know?” She blows out a big breath. “And I kind of did the same the second time because I’d had fun and I thought, why not? But I’ve had an amazing time with you.” Her voice drops so low I can hardly hear it. “And I wanna do it again. I just don’t want to be paid for it. It makes me feel icky.” “Come here,” I say, patting my lap. She hesitates, then stands and makes her way over to me. I pull her down sideways onto my lap and put my arms around her waist. That’s better. Jesus, that’s so much better. “Why does it make you feel icky?” “Because it makes me a whore, obviously,” she says to her knees, “and I hate that. It’s not who I am, even though I know I took your money. Twice. But now you’re inviting me over, and I know it’s just sex, and, honestly, I’m cool with that. But I’d really like to just be a woman you invite over on a date and not some kind of sex employee.” Jesus Christ. I have well and truly screwed myself over on this front. If I have this right, I won’t be comfortable continuing to fuck Elyse unless I’m paying her handsomely for the privilege, and she won’t be comfortable unless I’m not. What a mess—even though it’s not, really, because she’s made her terms clear. I
don’t get her unless we do it the old-fashioned way. Alarm bells are ringing—just not enough to drown out the roar of desire in my ears. I reach up to cup her jaw, turning her face toward mine, and I kiss her. As soon as I seal my mouth over hers, those endorphins erupt like it’s the fucking Fourth of July. After all the drama and panic of last week, after the days and nights of pining, I have my mouth on her and my hands on her, and, in this moment, she’s mine. It’s all I’ve wanted, all I’ve craved, and while the hardened, controlling, litigious Voss part of me is seeing red flags all over the place, a softer, more tender part is turning cartwheels. Because she wants me, too. I allow my tongue to entangle with hers, to show her how much I’ve missed her, to remind her how fucking good it is between us. She kisses me back with just as much hunger, her little hand sliding through the open neck of my shirt and stopping at my heart. “You look so freaking hot tonight, I can’t handle it,” she whispers against my lips. I stroke the fine strap of her camisole with my fingertips. “Yeah?” “Yeah.” “You like kissing me and not getting paid for it?” A happy little laugh. “Yeah.” I smile against her mouth. “In that case, I was wondering if you’d let me cook you dinner next Wednesday.” She sighs and tilts her head so that she can run her soft lips down my neck. In this moment, I feel incandescent with happiness. “That’s not the only thing I’ll let you do next Wednesday.”