# CHAPTER 1: The Death Rattle That Made Me Stop Waiting
Hello everyone, it's me again! How are you all doing? Today I will continue to walk with you and review CHAPTER 1 of "Cultivating Audacity read online." This chapter begins with grief, moves through memory, and then transforms into a rallying cry for anyone who has ever waited too long for the “right time.” It is a chapter about a funeral, a frozen interview, a thank-you note, and the fierce decision to stop postponing your life.
The author opens with a memory that refuses to fade. Even after thirty years, Peter Rogot still visits her thoughts. It happens in the early morning when her eight-year-old daughter stomps down the stairs, her small body landing with a heaviness that seems impossible. That sound pulls her back to Peter’s funeral, where his father sobbed while remembering how his son’s feet had always been so heavy on the stairs.
Peter Rogot was a sports anchor at KCNC-TV in Denver in the mid-1980s. The author was a teenager interning at the station, dreaming of a television career. She shadowed two sports anchors: the nice one and the grumpy one. Peter was the nice one.
After college, she landed a job at ESPN in Connecticut. She rose from temporary production assistant to the assignment desk. In 1991, Peter was hired by ESPN too, two years after her. He was about to debut in his dream job anchoring *SportsCenter* the following week. He and his wife, Mary, had just moved to Connecticut. They had recently married. The nice one had a new wife and his dream job. Good things did indeed happen to good people.
Then came April 9, 1991.
As a *SportsCenter* assignment editor, her phone rang constantly. Reporters needed satellite trucks or camera crews. Celebrities called for tours. Fans called to complain about unfair treatment. The assignment desk was the main artery of the newsroom, and she loved being part of the action.
That day, a reporter from their former Denver station called and asked for Peter. It was his sixth day on the job. Peter waved at her as he bounced past, heading toward his new cubicle. He was thirty-seven, an athlete, an avid cyclist, in great shape. She transferred the call.
Minutes later—five, maybe eight—someone came running around the corner, yelling frantically, “Does anyone know CPR?”
The newsroom was always loud, always moving. It took a moment for the words to register. Then she shouted, “CPR? Yes, I know CPR.”
She sprinted around the corner expecting to find anyone else in need of help. Not Peter. But there he was, lying on the floor in a heap. Several people rushed to help. The phone was off the hook. Peter’s sandwich sat on the desk with one bite missing. Peggy, her coworker and roommate, was there. Other people helped too, but the author remembers only Peggy, Peter, and herself.
They called 911. Peggy checked for choking. It would have made sense. Anyone can choke—even a thirty-seven-year-old newlywed starting his dream job. But there was no food in his airway. The 911 operator told them to dump out his briefcase and look for medications. Her hands shook so violently that she had to place each item on the desk just to focus on what it was.
Then memory becomes razor sharp. Peter was on his back. She knelt on his right. Peggy knelt on his left. Peggy grabbed a napkin and wiped her lipstick off. They were about to start CPR, and she did not want to leave lipstick all over Peter’s face. Peggy was composed, the kind of person who always seemed to know what to do.
They began. Then Peter exhaled—or it seemed like an exhale at first. But it was the most complete and final expiration of every bit of air and gas and life in that human body. The author knew it with every cell. It was not an exhale. It was a death rattle. It left absolutely no doubt that an inhale would never follow. Another breath would never happen. Not for that body. Never.
She stared at Peter, but he did not look real anymore. It was as if he was made of rubber, unrecognizable. That image stayed with her. It is why she still thinks of him.
The ambulance arrived and took his body to the hospital. She says “his body,” not “Peter,” because she is certain his soul was already on its way somewhere. She went to the hospital, though she is not sure why. What she remembers is Mary.
Mary arrived in exercise clothes. “Where’s Peter? I want to talk to Peter!” Her voice was laced with panic. She was petite, with dark hair, and her shirt was damp with sweat at the small of her lower back. She had been jogging when someone reached her and told her to go to the hospital. The author stared at that sweat stain and thought, *She went for a run and came back to find her husband dead. How cruel is that?*
Mary was taken into a room. Then came the scream. Thirty years later, the author still cries remembering it. It was deep, as if it erupted out of her diaphragm, out of her soul. It was not romantic. It was agonizing, intolerable pain.
The funeral was in New York, where Peter grew up. The service was packed. Family and friends were stunned. It was an unusually warm spring day. The author and her brother sat in the back of the temple, not wanting to take a seat from anyone who knew Peter better. She strained to see the speakers and hear their stories. She will never forget Peter’s father sobbing, recalling the sound of his son’s heavy feet on the stairs.
Right there, during that funeral, she made a decision. If you could be thirty-seven, newly married, and land your dream job only to have it all ripped away in an instant, then she was not going to wait. For anything. Ever.
Later that year, she got on a plane and began traveling everywhere her heart wanted to go. She learned to scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef. She camped in the Serengeti. She danced in the streets of Belfast. She rafted rivers in South America. She tracked gorillas in the Congo. She placed offerings to Buddhist monks on the border of Burma. All because she did not want to wait, just in case it all got taken away.
She started to live audaciously. Once she experienced the unpredictability of life, she began to seize opportunities. She made bold decisions. Thirty years later, the knowledge that nothing is promised beyond today still hovers in her daily consciousness.
Too often, our dreams and aspirations are held hostage by the twin jailers of procrastination and self-doubt. We wait for the perfect moment, the right conditions, the stars to align, or the fear to disappear. We convince ourselves that someday, in the future, we’ll be ready. But history is unapologetic: waiting doesn’t work. The longer we linger in hesitation, the more formidable the barricades become. Excuses pile up, self-criticism deepens, and regret becomes a shadow that dims our potential.
*Cultivating Audacity* is a guide to enhanced decision-making. It teaches you to evaluate opportunities and challenges through the lens of audacity, enabling choices that align with your long-term vision and values. Time spent digging into what stands between you and the life you want is an investment in your well-being. By conquering fears and pursuing dreams, you experience fulfillment and purpose. Audacity leads not only to personal success but also to a richer, more meaningful, joyful life.
It is time to understand the obstacles that stand in our way—the excuses, fears, doubts, and societal expectations that shackle us. In the moment Peter lay on the ground, his life story complete at age thirty-seven, the author vowed she would never again wait for the “right time.” She still has the same fears all of us have. How will I find time? What if I fail? I need money and don’t know how to start. Even if I did, I can’t catch up on the work I already have.
But in these pages are practical strategies, empowering stories, and transformative insights to confront fear, dismantle excuses, and embark on a life-altering quest for audacity. *Cultivating Audacity* is an invitation to step into the arena of possibility, break free from hesitation, and declare, “Now is my time!”
Part One asks: Why cultivate audacity? The word itself means a willingness to take bold risks.
The author then shares another story. When she graduated college, she wanted to work in journalism but did not know how. She knew what she didn’t want: to move home and live with her parents. An alum from her university who worked at ESPN visited her class and talked about his career. It sounded fun and exciting. She asked if ESPN was hiring. He said the network occasionally hired recent graduates for a six-month temporary job with no benefits, working six days a week from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m., with Mondays off. It sounded perfect.
She borrowed a car and drove from New York to ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut. A kind man named Al Jaffe interviewed her. A few minutes in, he asked what she thought of the Seattle Mariners’ bullpen. She froze. She knew nothing about the Mariners. He asked if she could name anyone on the team. She panicked. She couldn’t. She stammered and never recovered. At the end, he told her politely, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you are what we are looking for.”
She was angry walking back to the car—but not at him. She was angry with herself because she choked. She knew she blew it. Back in New York, she wrote a thank-you note. She licked a stamp and sent it. It read:
Dear Mr. Jaffe,
Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I did a very good job communicating what I could add to ESPN if I were to be hired as one of your temporary production assistants. While I imagine you have a number of candidates who can spit out stats and numbers and years of sports history, I believe I could add a different skill set in that I have already worked in television. I respectfully ask you to reconsider, as I would work hard if invited to join your team.
P.S. If I needed to do a story on the Seattle Mariners, I would look it up.
She didn’t have a job at twenty-one, but she had a lot of nerve. Mr. Jaffe called and offered her the job. After six months, she was offered a full-time position. Writing that letter was audacious. It was a risk. But the other option—moving back home with her parents—was more painful than the probability of being rejected by ESPN a second time.
Why does audacity work? Have you ever seen someone less qualified apply for a job and get it? It is infuriating. We get angry or annoyed, thinking, *Seriously, he hasn’t been here as long as I have*, or *She doesn’t have half the credentials I do and still got that job?* In reality, we are not mad at that person as much as we are frustrated with ourselves for not applying. People claim those who don’t apply until they have all the credentials have a confidence problem. The author disagrees. It is not a confidence problem. It is an audacity problem. Just as some won’t apply until they possess 85 to 100 percent of the criteria, many people wait to make big leaps until the perceived criteria have been met.
What is audacity? The willingness to take bold risks. We hear about glass ceilings, but our desire for change is often stunted by an unwillingness to act until it’s too late. That is a sticky floor. Picture being stuck to the floor, second-guessing yourself while waiting for the “right time,” while others leap toward opportunities and get the job despite lacking credentials. We need to take more bold risks.
Often people are afraid to shoot for the moon for fear of falling short. We all knew that one guy at the bar who kept asking girls out until one finally said yes. He didn’t quit when he was turned down. He moved on and looked for the next opportunity. If we approached breaking boundaries with the same gusto, we would all be living audacious lives.
It’s not a confidence problem. It is an audacity problem.
Let’s say you and I apply for the same job with the same qualifications. You wait to feel fully qualified. I apply with only 50 percent of the qualifications. Generally, I wouldn’t get it, but in applying, I am networking and practicing interviews. Both of us add skills, but I go back a year later when I have 65 percent. I still may not get it, but I have had two inside looks. Then, when we both apply at 85 percent, who is most likely to get it? Me. Why? Because I already have a relationship with the people hiring. I have been in front of them three times. I know the questions. They have witnessed my growth. Applying with 50 and 65 percent isn’t reckless. It is brave.
Worth it versus reckless: The author is not suggesting you swing for the fences at all times in all areas of life just to see what lands. There is a difference between reckless risks that can hurt you, your family, your business, and your reputation and “worth it” risks. Quitting your job and moving your family cross-country with no financial cushion or job prospects is reckless. Planning to move after building one year’s worth of expenses and securing a job might be worth it. A bold move is worth it when its purpose is to get you closer to who you want to be and how you want your life to function.
Audacity involves assessing risks and choosing the ones that are potentially worth it. Cultivating means preparation, development, and growth. To cultivate audacity, one must prepare for and develop a habit of taking worthwhile bold risks. That requires exploring what has stopped you and doing the right kind of preparation before taking the leap.
The components of audacity are optimism, courage, and consistency. These correlate to mindset, behavior, and identity.
An audacious mindset is a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world and yourself. It influences how you think, feel, and behave. What you believe about yourself impacts your success or failure. An audacious mindset requires optimism. Why does a team down by twelve points keep competing? Because they are optimistic about coming back. Will they? Maybe. Maybe not. Optimism is linked to confidence. An optimistic person isn’t necessarily going to get what they want, but they have the confidence to go for it regardless. Win or lose, they believe everything is going to be okay.
Audacity as behavior involves looking for opportunities to take risks and not becoming paralyzed by failure or rejection. Audacious behavior requires courageous action. You can sit on your couch all day being optimistic, but until you find courage to act, nothing happens. Cultivating audacious behavior is an action step. You may say, “I’m willing, but…” and that is where we discover and dismantle the excuses keeping you from your goals.
Audacity as identity is a person’s sense of self, established by the consistency of their behavior. Identity has continuity—you’re the same person over time despite changes in circumstance. Building an audacious identity requires both optimism and courage. Once you make one audacious move, it is easier to find courage for another and another. At some point, the discomfort subsides. Living audaciously and taking risks, big and small, permeates your personality. It becomes who you are—someone who dreams big and takes steps to live large despite possible negative outcomes.
Audacious living isn’t always a big, announced, thoroughly planned move. There are micromoments throughout the day. Don’t want to go to the party all your friends are going to? Say no. Being the outlier is a bold move. It is only a tiny two-letter word, but it meets the risk threshold because your friends could reject, ridicule, or ostracize you. When jumping off a diving board, you are optimistic you will safely reach the water. That doesn’t mean it isn’t scary. This is where mindset and behavior meet. When you consistently match an audacious mindset to behavior, you build your audacious identity.
Speak up—to yourself and others. What does your inner voice whisper when you think about making a big change? *No, it’s too risky, you will look silly, you don’t have time, you aren’t qualified.* Have you said the thing out loud? The thing you want to do? Most people have “the thing”—the career switch, the side hustle, the relationship in need of a shift. Sometimes we don’t say it because it seems foolish. Dare to say it out loud.
Audacity is daring to think differently, dress differently, act differently. It is answering “We need you to organize all the pictures for the school yearbook” with a simple “No.” It is looking your teenager in the eye when they demand, “When is dinner?” and saying, “I don’t know. What are you making?” Audacity is the moment someone makes a racist or homophobic comment, and you stop the conversation with “Nope! We aren’t doing that here. Not acceptable.” An audacious move can be huge, like leaving an abusive relationship, or smaller, like saying no to a committee that doesn’t serve you.
There is no limit on daily opportunities to be audacious. In each situation, there is a common thread: action. You speak up. You refuse. You do it anyway. You overcome fear of repercussions. And what else happens? You take control. You say, “I don’t like what is happening here, so I am going to change it.” Life doesn’t happen to you when you are audacious. It happens for you. You are the driving force behind your own life.
FOMO is the fear of missing out. The author doesn’t have FOMO. What she fears is staying the same, stuck in a situation that makes her unhappy. Let’s call that FOSS: the fear of staying the same. Audacity rises when you feel stuck. When the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change, it is time to cultivate audacity. If your current situation is not rewarding or energizing, you might be unhappy, or you might feel a subtle “Is this all there is?”
The Audacity Continuum: Take a moment to assess who you are today. Consider your mindset, behavior, and identity without judgment. Where are you in your audacious journey? What comes to mind when you hear the word audacity? For some it evokes anxiety. For others, energy. Most fall somewhere between. Think of it as a continuum with anxiety on one end and energy on the other.
Reflect on your behavior over the last five years. Have you made decisions that surprised your friends? Think about your personality as a teenager. Were you braver then? Younger people tend to take more risks. Were you someone who used to behave audaciously, but time has tamed you? Consider your identity. Who are you? How do you fit into your social circles? How would your peers describe you—not what you hope they would say, but who you are in their eyes?
Wherever you are on the continuum, get your feet wet today. Notice opportunities to practice audacity. Do one audacious thing—right now. It doesn’t have to align with your larger goal. Say no when asked to do something that doesn’t serve your purpose. Walk away from a conversation you don’t want to participate in. Wear white pants after Labor Day. Do something unexpected today. It doesn’t have to be big. Just act differently than you would if you weren’t being conscious about audacity. Be daring.
Notice how you feel when you make a decision that combines what feels right, lights you up, and is logical. Be aware of your thoughts when you take action, even a small one. Anxious? Elated? Humored? Proud? This book is about helping you create a life you are excited to wake up to every day. The average person will have 75 summers, falls, winters, and springs. If you aren’t enjoying what you are doing, how you are living, or who you are spending time with, make changes. Take your fears, hopes, and dreams on a journey toward who you want to be and what you want to do.
What if you aren’t sure what you want to do but know it isn’t *this*? Let’s figure that out. Turn the page.
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## Reader's Impressions & Star Rating
This chapter is both a eulogy and a rallying cry. The opening story of Peter Rogot is devastating in its specificity—the sandwich with one bite missing, Peggy wiping off her lipstick, Mary’s sweat stain, the father remembering heavy feet on the stairs. It makes the abstract idea of “not waiting” feel urgent and earned. Then the ESPN thank-you note story balances grief with humor and nerve. I love how the chapter reframes rejection as an audacity problem rather than a confidence problem. The “sticky floor” image is memorable, and the distinction between reckless and worth-it risks keeps the message from becoming reckless cheerleading. My only small critique is that the chapter moves quickly from memoir to manifesto, but the emotional core holds it together. It left me wanting to do one bold thing today.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Rating: 4.8 / 5 Stars
## Next Chapter Prediction
Based on the closing invitation to “turn the page” and the introduction of mindset, behavior, and identity, the next chapter will likely dive deeper into the audacious mindset. I predict we will explore optimism, self-belief, and the inner voice that whispers “you can’t.” The author may guide readers through identifying the specific fears and excuses that keep them stuck, perhaps with a fear inventory or an exercise to reframe failure. We might also meet new stories of people who took a small audacious step that snowballed into a transformed life. The cliffhanger is not plot-driven but personal: now that we know why audacity matters, the next chapter will show us how to begin building it.
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