Clarke It was dark by the time Leith dropped me off at my house. Well, I thought he was just dropping me off, but apparently, he was also going to clean and reattach my rain gutters even in the dark. I hadn’t even known that they needed to be cleaned or reattached. Leith and I had spent most of the day together. He, Ryne, and a few more of Leith’s farmhands were at Toades before I was. They’d already managed to strip the exterior of the roof and put the new sub roof on. Tomorrow, they’d be finished. It was weird—the roof had been causing me so much grief for months, and Leith was able to fix it in a couple of days. I liked watching him interact with Ryne and the others. He was good with them. Patient, kind, and knowledgeable. And he also gave Ryne the chance to shine, too—helping explain what they were doing and flexing what his dad taught him about roofing. Leith was like the picture-perfect paternal figure. I knew he felt that way about Lainey, but now I knew it extended so much further. Now there was a part of me that wondered if that had something to do with his own father—if Leith felt like he wanted to give everyone else the attention that he never got from his dad. There was a knock at my door, and Leith walked in a second after. “What’s with the knock?” I asked. “You’re the only person who would be at the door.” “Wanted to give you a warning in case you were indecent.” “Do you think I cook dinner butt ass naked?” I said with an eye roll. “A man can dream, Clarke,” Leith teased. I turned my head, so he hopefully didn’t see my face. God, how did he do that? Why did he do that? He didn’t have to go and say stuff like that when it was just the two of us. Well, and Pearl, who had gotten off her post on the couch to see him. He immediately crouched and started scratching her behind her ears. “Your rain gutters are spick-and-span and will not be detaching from your house anytime soon,” Leith said. “Thank you for doing that,” I said. “U-um, I made extra for dinner... if you want to stay.” I figured that was a good show of appreciation for everything he did for me today, but when I looked over at him, he seemed a little stunned or confused, maybe. “You don’t have to, though,” I said quickly. “I always make enough for lunch leftovers and stuff. It’s not a big deal.” “No,” Leith cut me off. “I’d like that. Thank you.” “Y-yeah,” I stammered. “I just made like a sheet pan thing with chicken sausage and veggies. I hope that’s okay.” “That sounds amazing,” Leith said. “Smells great too.” Why did my throat feel dry? “Cool,” I said. Cool? Get it together, Clarke. “It, um, it should be done in a few minutes, so you can just... take a load off for a sec.” I should’ve made something that required more of my attention because now I felt like I just had to putter around the kitchen until the oven timer went off. Sure, I probably could’ve gone and sat in the living room with Leith, but something about that felt... precarious. Parts of this whole fake dating thing felt like I was actually getting to know someone in a romantic way, which I hadn’t done that many times. It made my head go wonky. I started thinking about things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I didn’t have the ability to take things one day at a time or not look ahead. I hadn’t spent my adult life looking for love, but I often found myself wondering if it was ever nearby.
Now I wondered if it was sitting on my couch sweet-talking my dog. But it wasn’t. Because this wasn’t real. When the oven timer went off, I pulled the sheet pan out and dished up a serving for both Leith and me. “Can I help with anything?” Leith’s voice was close behind me. “Nope,” I said. My voice was higher than it should be. I didn’t want to turn around. “I don’t have a kitchen table, so I hope the bar counter is okay.” “That’s surprising to me,” Leith said. “That feels very unlike you.” “No room.” I grabbed two forks out of my silverware drawer, and then two bottles of root beer out of my fridge. Chayton—he worked at the saltwater taffy place—made it, and it was my favorite. “I’d rather have my pink couch.” “I like the couch,” Leith said. “I like your house.” I swelled with pride at his words. I loved my house. I worked hard to buy it. I worked hard to make it feel like mine, and I liked that he liked it because maybe that meant he could like me, since it was a reflection of me. Or maybe it was my stupid brain making connections that weren’t there. “Right or left?” he asked when I turned around. Somehow, I knew he was asking which barstool he should sit at. “Left,” I said. I always sat on the right. I sl ept on the right side of the bed, too, even though I was the only one in it. It had been that way since I was a kid, when I sl ept on the right side of the bedroom I shared with Collins. I picked up the plates, and Leith pulled my barstool out for me to sit down. I noticed that he pushed his stool a little bit closer to mine before sitting down. “I don’t remember the last time I had a root beer,” Leith said, picking up the dark brown bottle. “Is this Chayton’s?” “It’s the best.” I nodded. “Can I?” I reached for the bottle, and Leith handed it over. I positioned the top of it—right under the cap—against the edge of my counter before hitting it. The cap popped off and clattered to the floor. I handed the bottle back to Leith, who looked a little wide-eyed before doing the same with my own. “No bottle opener?” he asked with a surprised smile. “I already sat down.” I gave a small grin. “Plus, that’s more fun.” “Attractive, too, damn.” Leith shook his head before lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a swig. The way the bottle was pressed against his mouth and the movement of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed made the muscles at the bottom of my abdomen tighten. “You... say stuff like that a lot,” I said quietly. “Like what?” Leith asked. “That I’m, like... pretty or whatever.” Why did I bring this up? I knew I was pretty in my own way, but I just didn’t expect Leith to think my way was pretty, too—especially when Ali and I were complete and total opposites in appearance. Ali was a lot shorter than me, more petite, with blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile that nine out of ten dentists would recommend. She also had great boobs and was incredibly sweet; I wondered if she ever got angry. Maybe I’d find that out soon enough. This whole time, I tried my best not to think about her, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. There were a lot of reasons for me to feel guilty about what Leith and I were doing, but she was a big one. In a town like Sweetwater Peak, it was inevitable that we would run into each other at some point. Honestly, it was shocking that we hadn’t already. She had to know about Leith and me. If I was lucky, she’d be avoiding me as much as I was avoiding her, but that wouldn’t last forever. “You are pretty or whatever.” Leith bumped my shoulder with his. “And you know it too.” “Why do you say that?” I asked. “You’re confident,” he said. “It’s one of the things I like best about you. You’re sure of yourself in a way that only someone who likes who they are can be.”
Was that true? My affections for myself were very loaded. I was happy one day, sad the next. I was confident when I looked in the mirror but felt awful as soon as I saw a picture of myself. I wanted people to like me, but not enough to want to get to know me more because I was afraid that the more someone knew me, the less likable I became. The internal seesaw of being a woman was never-ending. “I generally like myself,” I said in response and pushed my food around my plate. “I generally like you, too, Clarke,” Leith said. “I just always thought I annoyed the hell out of you. And I like you even more now. I wish... I wish we could have stayed close in adulthood... or more like whatever we used to be. I could’ve used a friend like you the past few years.” “Yeah,” I said quietly. “That would’ve been nice.” And it would’ve. I think I could’ve benefited from having a friend like Leith in my life. Someone who didn’t hold most people at arm’s length, out of fear of what they’d think if anyone got too close. Someone who pulled people in, instead, and didn’t let any space come between them, just like Leith had done on our makeshift dance floor at Sevens. Leith took a bite of his food and it broke my daydream. “I don’t remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal that I didn’t make,” he said. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome,” I said. “The root beer makes it, though.” Then the lights flickered once. Twice. My house ghost. For the first time, I found myself wondering what her name was. We basically shared the space, after all, but I had been so closed off to her, I never asked. Perhaps Leith was having more of an impact than I even realized. I reached my senses out further—trying to figure out if more ghosts were descending upon us, and if I was going to have another headache episode. But I could only feel the one—in my house, anyway. There were animals outside, of course, and maybe a few other spirits out in the night, but they were fuzzy to me—just vibrations and my type of intuition. There was some pressure in my head, but it was barely noticeable on my own personal pain scale. “Am I going to have to look at all your electrical too?” I shook my head. “It’s just an old house. Happens all the time.” Even though it didn’t. “I guess that’s pretty normal for Sweetwater Peak,” he said. “Haunted as hell, or whatever.” It didn’t shock me to hear Leith say that. The locals knew, and they all partook in some weird folklore traditions that accompanied living in a haunted town, like not rocking an empty chair because it invites spirits. Most locals also believed that if you heard three knocks on your door, it meant a death was coming. And as kids, we were told never to look into the woods after dark, but that’s only scary if you didn’t know what was looking back. I knew exactly what or who was looking back at me. “Haunted as hell,” I agreed. More than anyone knew. “Do you remember that party Eddie had after graduation?” Leith asked after he took the last swig of his root beer. “The one where the lights k ept flickering and all the doors and windows k ept slamming while we were playing spin the bottle?” “I wasn’t there.” I didn’t make it a habit of hanging out with Edmund Papadakis, first of all. Second of all, Collins wasn’t invited—there was an incident in junior high where Eddie’s nose ended up broken and Collins got blamed—which meant I wasn’t invited. It didn’t bother her, but it bothered me. She went out that night—probably taking pictures and stealing shit. I went to Toades and cried to Earnest. “Really?” Leith asked. “Really,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever played spin the bottle.” Leith’s eyes glinted in the orange glow of the kitchen. At some point, we’d turned toward each other on our stools, and our knees were touching. “Do you want to?” My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t say anything. Instead, I watched Leith put his root beer bottle on its side and spin it.
The lights flickered again as the bottle came to a stop—positioned perpendicular between Leith and me, pointing at neither of us. I let out a breath. I couldn’t tell if it was made up of relief or disappointment. Maybe it was both. My eyes flicked to Leith, whose shoulders seemed to drop a little. Then within a millisecond, I felt a presence, the bottle moved—its mouth pointing directly at me—and whatever moved it was gone. “Well, hot damn,” Leith whispered. And then both of us were standing—my fingers were in his hair, and his arms were around my waist. Our foreheads were pressed together, as his hands moved up and down my back. “Clarke...” he choked out. “No kissing, remember?” I breathed. Why did I say that? Maybe it was because I wanted to kiss him. So much. I didn’t even know that kissing could produce whatever type of desire this was. It burned like a bonfire in my chest. “On the mouth?” he asked. His voice was strained, desperate. I nodded against his forehead. He pulled away, and I immediately leaned forward— searching for him. Then I felt his lips on my forehead, then on each of my temples, then my cheeks. I reveled in the way it felt as both of us let our hands explore. “Can I kiss you here?” I felt his breath at my jaw. I nodded again. “I need to hear you say it, honey.” “Y-yes.” “Do you want me to kiss you here?” His voice was low. “Yes,” I said immediately. I wanted it bad. Leith’s lips pressed against my jaw, and a pathetic and embarrassing noise came from de ep in my throat, but I had a hard time bringing myself to care about it too much. I heard plates moving, but I didn’t think anything of it. The ghosts could be doing a full kitchen reno, and I couldn’t give a damn. I wasn’t thinking anything about anything right now—just about Leith and how good it felt to be close to him—until Leith’s hands gripped my waist and lifted me onto the counter with ease. “Oh,” I gasped, and Leith bit down on the sweet spot between my neck and shoulder. I slid my hands down his back and snuck under the hem of his T-shirt. He jumped a little when my skin touched his. “Your hands are freezing,” he said—p eppering kisses across my chest. “Poor circulation,” I said. “Hot.” “Cold, actually,” I muttered. I felt Leith’s laugh as he pulled me to the edge of the counter. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist. “You’ve got me all worked up, Clarke,” he said against my throat. “And I’ve barely touched you.” His hands were skating up and down my thighs. I wished that he was touching my skin instead of denim. “I’m... sorry?” “Yeah, well... you’ll have to make it up to me.” I swallowed hard. “H-how?” “I want to ke ep touching you,” he said. “I want to kiss you everywhere but that perfect mouth. I know you don’t believe me, but I can follow a rule, you know.” “I didn’t know that.” I did know that I wanted him to ke ep going, but this felt like a bad idea. I didn’t need the lines s eparating my fake boyfriend and my very real crush (which I thought had gone dormant) on Leith to get any blurrier than they already were. But... “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Clarke,” Leith said. He had pulled back and was looking me dead in the eye. “Not if you don’t want it to.” That was the problem. I think I did... want it to. “We’re both adults,” Leith said. “Adults who have known each other a long time and are attracted to each other.” I gave him a look, and he laughed a little. “I see the way you watch me, Clarke. It’s okay. I like it.”
“Your self-assurance is astounding.” “You bring it out in me,” he said, and he then leaned in. Honestly, fuck the rules at this point. I let my eyes fall shut, but instead of kissing my lips, he kissed the corner of my mouth—as close as he could get without breaking the rule. I breathed. “I want to ke ep going.” Leith looked up and brought his hands together like he was praying. “Thank you, universe.” I pushed on his chest. “Shut up,” I said. “Make me, Clarke,” he said, smirking at me. And without thinking, I grabbed the hem of my long-sleeved shirt and whipped it over my head. Leith’s eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open a little. “Well, I guess that worked.” I grinned. “Now who is self-assured?” he said before picking me up off the counter and carrying me to my living room. I gasped in surprise when he flipped me onto the couch and covered my body with his. I felt his hands all over my body, and I arched into him as he kissed down my neck and grabbed my hip. His hand went to the button of my jeans. “Can I take these off?” he asked. “Why?” I breathed. Maybe it was because this whole thing started with a spin-the-stupid-bottle tale, but I had been totally content with whatever high school type of bump and grind we had going on right now. Bump and grind? What is wrong with you, Clarke? “Because I want to go down on you, honey,” he said. “I thought that was obvious.” “Oh,” I said dumbly. Did I like that? I didn’t really know. Did I want that? Yeah. “What’s going on up here?” Leith asked—gently tapping one of his pointer fingers on my temple. “I want that,” I said. “It’s just... I usually, like, get in my head when that’s happening. Like, if I look okay or sound okay or if... or if... I don’t know. I don’t think I’m good at sex stuff.” I shook my head. “And I’m not like... pr epped.” I felt the embarrassment surging through my entire body, and I slapped my hands over my face. “Hey,” Leith said. “Look at me, honey.” I shook my head. His voice was soft and earnest. “Please.” I let out an exaggerated sigh before I wiped my hands down my face. When I looked at Leith, his eyes were on me intently. “Hi,” he said. “Hi.” “I think that being ‘good at it’ or whatever is just wanting to be there, with that person. And there’s nowhere else I want to be right now than right here. With you.” I swallowed hard. I believed him. There was no way I couldn’t—not when he was looking at me like that and handling me like I was the most precious thing on earth. “And to your last point, I’m a grown man. I don’t give a fuck about you being ‘pr epped’ or whatever. All I want is to taste you.” “I-I want that too.” “Then be here with me,” he said. “Okay,” I whispered, and then I reached my hand between us to unbutton my jeans. The smirk Leith gave me made me want to smack him, or kiss him, or both. He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose before his lips returned to my neck, then chest. He kissed my breasts over my bra, and I lifted my hips when his hands found the waistband of my jeans and started pulling them down. “Lift your hips again,” he said. I did, and he snuck one of my throw pillows underneath them. “Proper leverage,” he said wickedly.
“You’re ridiculous,” I said. “You say that a lot, you know. But I think I’m just ridiculously turned on. By you.” I waited for my brain to automatically assume that Leith was just talking, turning on his charm, as he always does. But instead, I believed him. Leith sat back and pulled my pants all the way off before throwing them across the room. It occurred to me how comfortable I felt with him. Maybe if nothing else, that’s what this could mean: that I could be this comfortable with another person and that when the right one came along, I could do this. “I want your shirt off too,” I said. Leith immediately pulled his shirt over his head, and I took in the sight of him. I’d seen him without a shirt before. Swimming in the river when we were kids, and more recently, when he had a habit of running past my house without one during the summer. But it was different seeing Leith like this— exposed and towering over me on my couch. I wanted to sit up and run my hands all over his body, but he put his body back over mine before licking his way between my breasts and to my belly button until he settled between my legs. He gave me a grin that would make the devil himself blush before he leaned in and gave me one long, languid lick over my panties. I moaned and my back arched in voluntarily, so I didn’t see him move my panties to the side before going back for more. The feeling of his tongue against my flesh made my eyes roll back in my head. “Oh my god,” I breathed. “So sensitive,” he growled into my center before putting his tongue on me again. This time, he didn’t let up. He licked and sucked until my hips were bucking. He held me firm, though, as he continued to devour me. “Leith,” I breathed. “Fuck.” I looked down at him, and he was already looking up at me. The sight of him between my legs with his mouth on me was one I wanted burned into my memory forever. I wanted to print it out and plaster it all over my walls and my ceilings. Would I even need my lucky stars anymore? I never wanted to forget what it felt like to be looked at with so much... heat and want. “You taste so good, honey.” Because when I looked at him, at the way he greedily went down on me, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that this man wanted me in ways that could destroy me if I let it. This doesn’t have to mean anything. I felt my body starting to wind tighter. “Fuck,” Leith said. “I’m going to use my fingers, honey, is that okay?” “Yes,” I moaned. “Please.” I gasped when I felt one inside of me, then two. “Fuck, Clarke,” Leith said. His voice was strained. “You’re so fucking perfect. Are you going to come for me?” “I-I don’t know,” I said. I wanted to. I felt like I was chasing something that was just out of reach. “What do you need? Tell me what you need,” he said. “Pressure.” I sighed. “Your mouth.” The flat of his tongue was on my clit in less than a second, pressing down while my hips rocked. “Oh, oh my god,” I gasped. “Yes, that’s— Yes.” I moved my hips more and focused on the steady pace of Leith’s fingers moving inside of me and the pressure of his tongue, but I still couldn’t get exactly where I needed to be. “Let go, honey,” Leith said against my skin. “I’ve got you. I promise.” I didn’t know I needed permission to let go, but once Leith said that, my body listened. The coil that was wrapped around my spine snapped, and I felt euphoria wash over me as I lost control of my body.
It was okay, though, because Leith had me. He stroked me through every wave, and then, when I finally came back to earth, all I could get out was: “That was...” “Yeah,” Leith said. His voice was gruff. “Do you, um, want me to...” I wanted to return the favor. Badly. I didn’t know if I’d ever wanted that before. “No need,” Leith said. Was he... blushing? He was. And it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. “Things are, um, very high school over here.” “Huh?” I asked and Leith rose from his spot between my legs and kneeled on the other side of the couch. I saw a dark spot on his jeans, and I slapped a hand over my mouth. “I did that?” I asked. Leith Wilkes came in his pants just from going down on me? What universe was I in? And could I stay forever? “Don’t let it go to your head, Cartwright.” “Too late,” I said. “Good thing it’s a very pretty head.” He sighed contentedly. “I really want to kiss you right now.” “Rules are rules,” I said seriously, but I couldn’t stifle the grin that had climbed up my face. “Can I at least lie with you for a while?” he asked. “As long as you want,” I said, and I meant it. This doesn’t have to mean anything.