Tallulah You know those daydreams you have for years... the ones you know won’t come true, but they get you through the day? The kind I shouldn’t have been having about Nash. The excitement I shouldn’t have felt but did. Instead of dreading my date with Nash, I was in a state of giddiness. All I could do was smile, feel wistful. The reality was it was hard to turn off years of those dreams. To forget them. Those little fantasies are what k ept me going when no one spoke to me in the hallways. When I heard girls giggling about my weight or clothing. They were my es cape. However, not one single time while I was in my little bubble of imagination did I truly believe it would come true. I knew it was just that, a dream. And this was not Disney World. Dreams did not come true. It was high school, and it sucked. Living in my head and my wistful thoughts was fine since I had that firm grasp on reality. The past three hours, I had changed my clothes seven times. Washed my hair and restyled it three times and had to fight the urge to chew off all my nails. Not bite. Chew those bad boys completely off to the skin. I was a nervous wreck. In my head, it hadn’t been this way. I had been charming and lovely. My clothes had been perfect. I had been confident and full of self-worth. But here in the real world, I felt like I might throw up. Girls didn’t get to experience their daydreams. That only happened in cheesy movies that didn’t d epict high school properly at all. For example, if a girl is wearing a designer skirt that shows off her bottom when she walks, and her
boobs are hanging out of her shirt while she flashes skin on her stomach, then she is not in a real high school. Only in TV land can that happen. Just like only in TV land does a girl’s crush who is way out of her league ask her out. But here I was. Getting ready for a date with Nash Lee. When he had asked me, it had taken all my focus not to grab on to my car for support. My knees went weak, my stomach was so tied up in knots I thought I needed to bend at the waist, and I couldn’t remember how to use words. Luckily, Mr. Dace arrived and snapped me out of my shock. Given me a moment to process it all. I owed him one for perfect timing. Asa taking me to a field party, Ryker flirting with me, other guys winking and smiling at me in the hallways had all been fine. I had adjusted to no longer being ignored. It still surprised me, but I wasn’t swooning over it. I’d been so angry with Nash that I had been riding on that hate and assumed I’d be immune to him. Or I would at least be able to focus my energy toward him differently. But then he apologized. It wasn’t enough. That apology. But my dang silly heart felt something. Why was it so hard to still hate him? He’d hurt me. He’d been cruel. The truth was de ep down I had forgiven him. I just didn’t want to. There was damage there he’d caused. Even if he made my heart flutter, he didn’t have to know. He didn’t deserve to know. I didn’t care if he limped. I didn’t care if he played football. I didn’t care if he started sitting in the library to read during lunch and became a recluse. None of those things would change how I felt about him. It was never his popularity that I was attracted to. It was his heart. He had been kind when others hadn’t. I’d loved him silently. His laughter at Ryker’s words, though, still rang in my memory.
“Have you decided on an outfit yet?” Mom asked from my open bedroom door. I turned to see her with a glass of red wine in her hands and a smile on her face. She was entirely too excited about this. She knew my feelings for Nash. They had been hard to hide from my one friend in life. She was my mother. She corrected me, expected the best out of me, and didn’t let me get away with talking back or being disrespectful. She was also my best friend. “I think,” I r eplied, holding out my hands and turning in a circle. After trying on everything new in my closet, I had come back to the very first thing I had pulled out. A blue-jean skirt that hit midthigh and a T-shirt that had been bought with the worn look and a cut-out triangle on the chest, giving it a V shape yet ke eping the neckline there. The faded blue made my eyes pop, and the word Dreamer on the front was perfect. Especially for tonight. I pointed at my boots. “It’s between either those or the wedges. I thought the boots may be easier if we end up at the field party.” Mom looked like a giddy teenager with her grin. “Boots definitely. They go perfect with that look. Very edgy, sexy, casual. I like it. I may steal it.” I shook my head. “No. You are not wearing this.” She put a hand on her narrow hip and cocked an eyebrow at me. “Are you insinuating I am too old to wear that?” “No, but you’ll look better in it. I don’t need my mom outdoing me,” I r eplied honestly. She didn’t like that. Her smile turned into a frown. “You are kidding me, right? Tallulah, honey, you’re stunning. Young and beautiful inside and out. You always have been. No matter what size you are, you are a beauty who also happens to be the best part of me. You’re my one great
achievement in life. You are what I am proud of most in this world. Don’t you ever believe that you are less than. You hold your head high.” I held up my hand to stop her or she’d ke ep going, and I would never be ready in time. “Mom, okay. I know you love me. I shouldn’t have said that. You can wear any of my clothes. Everyone always mistakes us for sisters anyway. I have good genes. I should be thankful. I am thankful.” She started to smile again. “You’re nervous. Don’t be. Nash Lee is the lucky one. You go out with him tonight and know he is who should be nervous. He has you on his arm.” I rolled my eyes. My mother was a bigger dreamer than me. “Says my mother and biggest fan. It’s Nash. He’s not nervous. He has never been the fat kid who tried to blend in with the walls.” “Tallulah,” she started again, and I hurried in to stop her. “Mom, I’m kidding. Just let me get ready. I’m going to be nervous. Nash has been my crush since I started school here. It’s unavoidable. I am going to be nervous.” She sighed, then shrugged. “Okay. Fine. Get ready. But look at yourself in that mirror good.” She started to turn to leave, then flashed me one last smile. “I love you.” “I love you, too.” Finally I was alone again. I took in my body in the mirror. The way I fit into clothing now. I still felt the same inside. Seeing my outward appearance didn’t change more than my clothing size. Confidence didn’t come from the way you could or could not wear a short skirt. It came from inside.
“You’re a good person. You’re smart. The way you look isn’t who you are,” I whispered to the girl in the mirror. She was still so new to me. I didn’t recognize myself when I saw my reflection. It always took me a second to remember that was me now. Although my reflection couldn’t respond, I nodded for her. Then smiled because I was being extremely dramatic. I had thirty minutes left to get on my boots and decide if my hair was going up or down.