The Leads Learn Their Lesson, Part TWO As spring ended, I poured myself even more into client meetings and writing. The results were palpable, between more success stories and job opportunities, but once again this meant less quality time for Dave and me. Dave’s primary love languages, or the ways in which he gives and receives love, are spending quality time together and acts of service—gestures that in volve showing love through small, practical actions. They also happen to be the two that require me to give up more of my time, which was not something I felt I had the bandwidth to do at the moment. The term “love language” was coined in 1992 by the Baptist minister Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book The 5 Love Languages, and has since become a central part of the conversation surrounding dating, relationships, and compatibility. In addition to spending quality time with a partner, and expressing acts of service, he also cites words of affirmation, gift giving, and physical touch as the other categories. (Two new ones emerged in 2022, following a dating trends r eport published by e Harmony: shared experiences and emotional security. However, I think those are just fancier ways of dressing up the original five. Shared experiences, which in volve creating mutual memories with a loved one, feels like a subcategory of spending quality time with someone. And emotional security is something that should be a requirement in any healthy relationship—different from someone’s primary way of giving or receiving love.) While all expressions of affection are wonderful, and usually welcome, not everyone feels love the same way. No matter how much we think we’re expressing love to a partner, it will always land best if it’s in the form of the other person’s preferred love language. Some dating experts believe you should find a partner whose primary love languages match your own in order to make communicating with them easier, but to do so would be to potentially write off other incredible partnerships. Instead, I advise you to discover what your significant other’s love languages are, and adjust the ways in which you show affection to them based on that, and help them do the same for you. This could take work, but the reward in the end is worth it. When Dave and I first started dating, our love language adjustment was real. No matter how much affection I’d show him physically or verbally, or how many thoughtful gifts I’d get him, none of it would be received as well as his coming home to clean dishes or our taking a hike together. Likewise, he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t instantly melt when he’d bring me flowers (my preferred love language is physical touch). Over time, we’ve adjusted, but I occasionally have to remind myself how far making him a cup of coffee before his daily workout will go. Understanding the meaning of love languages is not only beneficial for a relationship: it can also help you grow as a person—after all, it’s a widely held belief that our most toxic trait is the direct opposite of our primary love language. For example, if you value quality time, you might withdraw emotionally as a form of punishment, believing that isolating yourself is the most powerful way to make a point. Similarly, if your love language is words of affirmation, you might verbally manipulate your partner, or put them down, when your needs aren’t getting met. If you prefer acts of service, you might resist asking your partner for help when you need it most. Rather than communicate a desire for assistance, you might handle everything on your own, but then later resent your partner for it. When gift giving turns toxic, you might overspend in an attempt to fill an emotional void. A new car or luxury vacation might make you feel better after a
breakup, but you’ll ultimately have to confront your feelings if you want to move on. Last is the avoidance of physical touch— something I suspect Meera was on the receiving end of before her relationship with Trevor. This category can include anything from someone withholding sex, to a mother refusing to hug her crying child. If your instinct is to retreat this way, it’s important to be mindful about the effect it’s having on the person you care about most. Like any toxic trait, this one can be worked on through therapy and a clear communication style. Understanding your love languages can also teach you how to flirt more authentically. For instance, if you’re comfortable with physical touch, you can signal interest to your date with a bold reach for their hand or gentle stroke of their hair. If you primarily use your words to affirm others, you might feel more comfortable dishing pointed compliments. If your love language is quality time, gift giving, or acts of service, know those traits can help make you an incredible partner, but they don’t tend to lend themselves as easily to a flirting style (since they require a level of personal experience, knowledge, and intimacy that’s impossible to have on a first date). I often dedicate whole sessions to teaching singles how to flirt more effectively, but some sk eptical bachelors or bachelorettes such as Meera wonder whether flirting is even necessary. (It is.) While Meera rarely gave a “bad” first date, men often parted ways with her unclear where they stood. That’s because she was a magical thinker: someone who assumed her future husband would instantly recognize her heart, mind, and soul and risk everything to be with her before they even got to know each other. She expected prospects to work hard for the reward of getting to know her while offering little to no encouragement on her end. I eventually realized this was likely why she was drawn to such intense personalities—the types to bare their souls, whether solicited or not. But it was high time Meera stopped relying on chance encounters with Bares and started engaging with men who were better suited to her, which meant she’d have to start indicating interest of her own more. When we discussed that, I shared with her my own history of struggling in that d epartment. I too used to avoid eye contact with attractive strangers at all costs, terrified they’d read my mind and know I was interested in them (counterintuitive to my objective of getting them to approach me). I badly wished I could channel a more flirtatious energy like my friends Andrea and Katie or Emma Stone in the movies, but this simply didn’t come naturally to me. I once went out to dinner with a colleague, a traditionally handsome Broadway actor and activist I had a crush on, and only found out later that he’d been interested in me too. He treated our initial “date” as platonic, because I’d given no indicators of interest (something we cleared up with an actual date, a year or so later, which led to a goofy makeout session in a Korean sauna). Not until I started matchmaking, and heard feedback from thousands of other daters, did I realize how important it was to provide encouragement. “At the very least,” I suggested to Meera, “ke ep things light.” “But I’m a serious person,” she expressed. “If I’m pretending to be some carefree cheerleader on our first date, isn’t that deceitful? I don’t want to be fake.” I explained to her that it was only fake if she never experienced joy. If she did, and of course she did, she simply needed to channel that same feeling on the date —revealing that side of herself earlier than she was accustomed to. So when did she experience unadulterated joy? We settled on the version of her who shows up to concerts. Concertgoing Meera was giddy, unencumbered, and delightful. Who wouldn’t want a second date after meeting her? The ability to exude positivity and warmth on command is not only useful in romantic situations; it’s also beneficial in friendships and professional settings. When your presence and personality are a value add, people want to spend more time with you. “Okay, fine,” Meera said, somewhat convinced. “But that’s still not the same thing as flirting.” I was glad we were finally addressing this. We’d spent so
much time in our sessions tediously unpacking bad behavior from men who were never going to make her happy in the first place that we had little time to add more skills to her dating arsenal. But now we could. During a previous session, we’d discovered that Meera’s primary love languages were quality time and words of affirmation. The latter was something I could work with, and asked what came to mind in terms of a more verbal flirting style. “I don’t know. Banter, I guess. Giving someone compliments?” I nodded. This was along the lines of what I usually hear. But compliments alone aren’t enough to make the tone of a date feel romantic. The litmus test is: could their mom realistically say the same thing to them (e. g., “My son is so handsome. Aren’t you impressed by his big promotion?”)? Words of flattery are nice, but if your intention is to build more chemistry with someone, I recommend pointing out something their mother wouldn’t. If an overt compliment about their hair feels too daunting (e. g., “women must want to run their fingers through it all the time”), I recommend a more subtle tactic: masking the compliment as a question. “Imagine you’re on a date with a guy,” I instructed Meera, “and you say to him, ‘So what do you do to work out?’” I adjusted the cadence of my voice to sound a bit more seductive. “Notice, I’m not asking the guy if he works out. I’m already assuming he does. If my husband were on a date with someone, and they looked him up and down and asked, ‘So what do you do to work out?’ he’d instantly light up and think, ‘Wow! She noticed how toned my arms are getting from boxing!’” When complimenting someone of either gender, it’s important to comment on something you’re noticing physically, in the here and now. It not only shows that you’re present, but it also conveys the impression that you’re liking what you see. It could be someone’s smile, their eyes, or anything else about their appearance. “More the face or body than what they’re wearing,” I expounded to Meera. “Guys are oblivious, and he might just think you like his fashion sense. That doesn’t mean you’re interested in him.” This was a deliberate point to make. Women may want to be viewed as more than just sex objects, but we often forget some men don’t. By complimenting something about a guy’s appearance, it subtly hints that physical intimacy might be a possibility down the road, which is likely to pique his interest. On the flip side, when complimenting women, I recommend emphasizing a choice we’ve made in addition to our more physical qualities. Highlighting our luscious hair or sultry eyes is gratifying, and I recommend doing it, but acknowledging the clothes we’ve chosen to wear on the date, or even asking a meaningful follow-up to something mentioned during our conversation, will help take your charm to the next level. And always remember: compliment, don’t criticize. Some people resort to teasing in an effort to cut tension, but forget to tread lightly, and some of it can land as mean-spirited. I’m firmly against negging, or giving backhanded compliments in an effort to seduce someone (for instance, telling a woman she’d look even more beautiful without her makeup on—a compliment at face value, but also a subtle message that she’s not as pretty as she could be in that moment). This can undermine a person’s confidence, making them more vulnerable and rec eptive to advances, but it’ll turn off someone else more confident. Even if it does “work” on someone less self-assured, don’t be that person contributing to someone else’s lack of self-esteem. Enthused by all the tips, Meera asked for more, so I launched into a spiel about phonetic convergence, which in volves mimicking the other person’s speech. If a guy’s talking really loud and fast, you can too. It’s probably not something they’ll notice, but that subconscious similarity can sometimes tip the scales in your favor. Knowing when to flirt, in some ways, is as important as doing it at all. Men make up their minds pretty quickly in terms of whether they feel chemistry with someone, whereas women are more likely to have theirs changed. He’s short? Bald? A little overweight? Maybe not what you originally
envisioned, but if the guy’s interesting or charming enough, he’s got a chance of winning you over. But if a man isn’t feeling initial chemistry with you, the uphill battle is often much ste eper. So, if you don’t indicate interest early, you risk their putting you in the “dastardly friend zone,” as Kent called it. This logic baffled Meera. “What if I don’t know if I like them or not yet?” she wanted to know. Up until now, I’d been encouraging her to ke ep her guard up, and my advice to flirt early seemingly contradicted that. I could see why, but I wasn’t against her giving signals she was interested in someone on a date—I was against her indicating she wanted a relationship. I wasn’t advocating that she flirt for the sake of it. If she knew from the jump she had zero interest in someone, I agreed that would be disingenuous. But withholding enthusiasm entirely could cause someone—someone she might decide she likes later—to write her off. A little flirtation early on would buy her enough time to formulate an opinion on them, and the ball would be in her court about whether they would have a second date —something she reserved the right not to acc ept. Flirting isn’t misleading when you’re unsure about someone: it only is if you know you don’t like them but flirt anyway. I planned to expose Meera to a more physical flirting style too, but right now, I was worried about overwhelming her. We’d been covering a lot this session, and I wondered how much of our conversation would stick. Intellectualizing advice is one thing, but putting it into practice is quite another, especially when it might feel a little uncharacteristic and scary. I knew if we eased into it later, though, I’d be able to clear up some misconc eptions when it came to flirting nonverbally, like believing that you have to literally touch another person for the style to be considered physical (which isn’t necessarily true). You can touch yourself—not like that, get your head out of the gutter!—such as by twirling your hair, moving it to reveal the nape of your neck, or bringing food to your lips. Like leaving your hands on the table, a subtle hint that you’d be rec eptive to touch, these are all subconsciously inviting signs, helping to build a further sense of intimacy. You often see men do this by puffing out their chests. If you’re on a dinner date and feel particularly daring, ask to sit beside your date, rather than across from them. This could be from the outset or when you return from the bathroom (perhaps even framing it as a way to hear them better). D eploying the “triple nod” is another great physical indicator of interest. In fact, it’s been proven that people are likely to speak three to four times longer if their conversation partner offers three slow nods after they’ve finished talking. It sends the message that you’re interested in what they’re saying, and more is welcome. Nodding also helps to build what scientists call a “yes set,” meaning the more often someone agrees with you, the more likely they are to answer “yes” to your subsequent questions, such as “Do you want to see me again?” Mirroring a partner, also known as the Gauchais Reaction, is another subtle way to engage. This limbic synchrony of copying body language helps to generate feelings of similarity with another person—something that can help foster attraction. Mirroring is something we do instinctively as early as infancy, as our heartbeats naturally sync up with our moms’ rhythm. Mirror neurons in our brains also play a key role in empathy, giving us the ability to better understand another’s experience, and enabling us to connect with them on an emotional level. But these actions don’t have to be subconscious. When mirroring men, it’s better to mimic their body and not their face, since men are inherently less expressive and tend to rely less on facial cues. For all genders, I recommend “fronting”—squaring your body so you’re directly facing the object of your affection. This builds a much stronger connection than standing shoulder to shoulder with someone. By facing them, you’re making them the actual center of your attention. What you don’t do can be equally powerful in terms of conveying
interest. Avoid crossing your arms, which might unintentionally indicate you prefer ke eping your distance. If objects such as phones or vases are between you and a potential love interest, move them, as they can be mental barriers in addition to physical ones. Also, don’t shy away from eye contact. According to Dr. Kerstin Uvnäs Moberg, in her book The Oxytocin Factor, locking eyes with someone else releases oxytocin, the “cuddle chemical” or hormone most closely associated with trust, sexual arousal, and relationship building. An affectionate pat on the back or playful nudge on the arm can do this too, provided it’s welcomed. If someone withdraws, even in the slightest, when a physical overture is made, I wouldn’t try again. Similarly, too much eye contact can make someone else feel uncomfortable. This is all really complicated and confusing, so remember: it is for your date too. This is why, for women especially, being the one to break the touch barrier is useful—a gesture as simple as brushing a crumb off your date’s collar will indicate you’re okay with them expressing affection back. To those on the opposite end of the spectrum, those naturally affectionate with everyone, including waiters, be mindful that you preserve those gestures for your date alone. Otherwise the person you’re crushing on might brush off an overture as being part of your personality rather than indicative of your interest. The majority of my clients are like Meera, though, worried if they attempt anything less natural to them that they’ll come off as awkward. This is where practice comes in. The same way we have verbal vocabularies, our bodies have physical ones. A new word isn’t usually ingrained in our vocabularies until we start to use it regularly, and the same holds true for new behaviors and movements. To help my clients do this, I suggest they schedule virtual dates with singles on dating apps or otherwise—something men and women have been more rec eptive to ever since the pandemic (the date costs no money, and daters can meet someone new while wearing comfortable clothes—not to mention taking advantage of Zoom’s “touch up my appearance” feature). When chatting, I recommend placing an object out of the camera’s view, beside your computer screen—for the purpose of the exercise, let’s say your cell phone—and pretend it’s your date’s arm. Then, act as if you’re in a movie. When it’s time for the ingenue to laugh playfully, to brush the man’s arm and say, “That’s so funny,” that’s when you’d make contact with your phone. Your date can’t see it, but the more you make contact with the phone during appropriate moments, the more your body will start to associate playful feelings with the need to touch something, or someone. Before you know it, you might feel comfortable trying this on friends or family or even on an in-person date. These virtual dates are great practice for learning how to flirt better nonverbally, something ironic given the physical barrier of the computer screen, but there’s a built-in bonus too: you might really hit it off with the person you meet through it! Before Dave came home from work that day, I’d just wrapped another lesson with a client on using love languages to her advantage. With it top of mind, I quickly cleaned off the kitchen countertop. And when Dave walked in, I asked whether he wanted to eat dinner together before my next meeting.