The Fatal Flaw “It will happen when you least expect it.” According to some experts (and likely your mom), the best way to attract a significant other is to forget about wanting one at all. Who needs matchmakers, dating apps, or putting yourself out there when love is supposed to happen on its own? Dave and I had been given similar advice on our journey to parenthood, as if ignoring his low sperm count (which he attributes to too much weed and Mountain Dew in college) would somehow be what wound up fixing it. The trite advice seemed to undermine the use of any kind of intervention, from vitamin supplements to IVF, which felt flawed, but acc epting that some things are simply out of our control can be freeing. Leaving our fate to the universe allows us to go about our lives in a lighter fashion, unencumbered by self-blame. So, what is the right balance? I mulled that over one morning as I pr epared to contact Callie about her first official match, Jake. He was a friend’s cousin whom I’d met a month earlier at a birthday party. While Jake didn’t initially take me up on my suggestion to join my database, he was rec eptive when I reached out, specifically about Callie. The option of meeting a beautiful and accomplished woman not currently on the dating apps was too tempting to ignore. We did a quick Zoom soon after to confirm their compatibility, and by the end, I was convinced of it even more. “Meet Jake,” I wrote to her. “He’s 5'10", 43, and a witty, kind, and masculine SVP in the film industry.” Each time I emailed someone about a potential match, I personally tailored my description to appeal to them—no generic, onesize-fits-all blurb. The extra st ep was time-consuming for sure, but taking care to point out certain traits mentioned during someone’s intake interview, or highlighting a mutual interest of theirs, can positively impact a client’s attitude going into their date. It also makes them feel heard and respected in their search. “He’s passionate about what he does for a living,” I continued. “Has an appealing mix of nerdy and edgy qualities, and has a stable executive job while still possessing creative flair. He also loves dining out and live music like you do. I think you’ll get along great! If you’re down to grab drinks with him at Bacari, let me know when you’re free.” My suggestion for drinks was strategic. One trick I’d learned, when dealing with straight couples, was to always frame the date as “drinks” for the women, and “a light bite and drinks” for the men. If the bachelor wants to cut the date short, quick drinks is what the bachelorette was expecting. But if he throws in some appetizers, he thinks he’s following directions, and she feels impressed. It sets them both up for success. After sending his description to Callie, I leaned back a little in my chair, feeling satisfied. I’d already contacted a few other singles I’d been thinking of for her, but the act might have been superfluous if she wound up hitting it off with Jake. Because I don’t promise a certain number of matches for clients, I’m able to encourage them to focus on one connection at a time, rather than being preoccupied by who’s on deck. Dating app culture has largely fed into the “next best thing” attitude, and I’m constantly searching for ways to counteract it. Rather than really getting to know someone who might be wonderful for us, swiping culture has created an illusion of choice. But “more” options doesn’t always mean “better,” and I fear that in the search for the “perfect” person, countless singles are overlooking the person perfect for them. My next client, Meera, the one whose photos I was peddling at the matchmaking meetup, has the opposite problem—she isn’t discerning enough. Despite her hopeless romanticism and near obsession with finding
the One, she’d never really been in love, and it seemed like she was chasing an idea of it formed by watching 1950 s Disney films like Sle eping Beauty. Every night that passed without being rescued by her prince felt like a waste of time to her. I could hardly judge, as I grew up similarly influenced. I remember being single and believing that every unsuccessful first date or failed relationship was evidence I’d likely end up alone. Life had to be more exciting with a significant other, I reasoned—traveling, moving into a new apartment, getting a pet. What was the point of it all if I was doing it solo? I was metaphorically asle ep, but if I met the right guy or had the right kiss, I’d suddenly wake up. That mindset was unhealthy, though, and I was determined through coaching to help Meera reshape hers. Name? Meera V**** Your age? 31 Height? 5'5" Sexual orientation? Straight. Where do you live, and what is your living situation? West Hollywood in a twobedroom rental (love dogs but no time to take care of one yet). Where are you from, and where else have you lived? San Bruno, CA; DC, for school; and did a semester abroad in Spain. What’s your profession? Film publicist for an ind ependent film distributor. Race or ethnicity? South Asian. Religion? Hindu, but I’m not religious at all. I consider myself more spiritual than anything. Your political views? Moderate. Not really into politics. How important is it for you to marry someone of the same faith? Not at all. What is your highest level of education? BA from Georgetown. Most serious relationship and when/why did it end? I was with my ex for four years. It started off passionately, but by the end, we were more like best friends. I gained some weight during that time, and in the last year or so, he barely touched me. Can share more later. Do you want and/or already have kids? No kids yet. I want four, and I think there’s still time for that? If I meet the right guy soon. Please describe your type, if you have one: Usually tall, pretty white boys. Ultimately, though, I just want someone people respect who is also humble, ambitious, and into family. Do you have any dealbreakers? No smoking or drugs, single dads, or anyone religious. I prefer someone who hasn’t been married before either. And please, no receding hairlines. Please list your hobbies: Hiking, cooking, Pilates, farmers markets, exploring different neighborhoods in LA, bike riding on the beach, and watching anything on Bravo. Tell me something about yourself not listed above. It’s okay to brag: I’m a part of a women’s mentorship group that I’m really proud of. I love to travel. This past December I made it down to Antarctica, which means I only have one continent left to visit now: Australia. I understand Gujarati, and I hate dating apps. “Hi, Jaydi!” Meera appeared on-screen surrounded by her usual blurred-out background. I wondered what people try to hide when they activate that feature: six cats? Dirty laundry? I typically find out sooner or later, either literally or metaphorically. The attention on the foreground, though, allowed me to focus on Meera— most notably, her smile. Unlike the rest of her face, it was the only part that wasn’t perfectly
symmetrical, with the right corner turned up slightly more than the left. While this “flaw” felt more learned than biological, it somehow made her more beautiful and approachable at the same time. The only parts of her appearance not wholly natural were the dabs of pinkish-purple blush above her cheekbones that felt more arbitrary than deliberate. She looked happy today, which was a relief, and also a d eparture from more recent sessions. I’d always connected and identified with her capacity for emotion, but we differed in the ways we responded to heartbreak. After any sort of devastation, I’d go into new experiences protecting my heart a bit more, determined to avoid making the same mistake twice. Meera, however, possessed (and embraced) the magnificent but also dangerous ability to forget any pain at all, and fall in love instantly with nearly every guy she ever dated. Everyone has some good in them, but sometimes that was all Meera saw in a person, ignoring other, more troublesome qualities—a detrimental tendency we’d spent a good deal of time unpacking together. “So,” I started, stating what I thought was the obvious. “Does this mean your date with Sal went well?” Sal was a recent referral I flagged for her. An associate VP at a market research firm, he was creative, passionate, family oriented, and easy on the eyes, albeit a bit more gangly and with darker hair than Meera’s usual “type.” He also owned his place, was emotionally available, and even spent time in Australia, the top country on her bucket list. Introducing the two of them made sense, but I had wondered whether Meera was in a place yet where she could see Sal’s full potential with her. “He’s a nice guy,” Meera started, and my heart instantly sank. I could already tell the clichéd praise was more for my benefit than her own. “I just didn’t feel sparks with him.” Ugh. I sighed. The S-word. It’s not that I’m against sparks. I felt them when I first met Dave. But not all sparks are good—sometimes they light a tree on fire and burn down an entire forest. I looked again at Meera, trying to assess what was going on. And then, I saw it—an expression I’d come to know well: the mischievous grin of a client who knew she had “gotten away with” something. “Okay, but you did feel sparks...” I guessed. “With someone else?” Meera giggled, and I braced for impact. “His name is Trevor, and he’s a Capricorn. I’ve never dated a Capricorn before,” she added quickly. “If you can believe that.” I nodded, trying to ke ep my expression impartial. I don’t put a ton of stock into astrology, but Meera rarely goes on second dates without comparing birth charts first. “We met for coffee and k ept talking. For five hours!” “Wow,” I allowed, recognizing the feat. “What did you two talk about for so long?” “Everything! His divorce, his friends, his recent trip to Cabo,” she gushed. “And he wants four kids, just like I do!” Four, I thought, slightly envious of her optimism. At this rate I’ll be lucky enough to have one. “We’re going on a third date on Sunday.” “A third?” I hoped she missed the crack in my voice. For some, a third date this soon would be promising. For Meera, it was potentially the beginning of a problematic pattern. She needed someone patient and committed to growing a relationship with her over time—not someone who led with passion and intensity but potentially lacked follow-through: the MO of her more recent situationships. “He was at my place last night. But don’t worry,” she added quickly. “We didn’t do anything. Just talked. All night.” She paused, waiting for me to jump in. I thought carefully before responding. Meera was rarely intimate with men she wasn’t serious about, but once she was, she tended to get emotional if her de ep feelings weren’t immediately and fully reciprocated. She assured me that things hadn’t become physical yet, but emotional intimacy—talking all night, multiple dates in rapid succession—could be just as powerful and dangerous. I don’t have rules or timelines for clients when it comes to sex, but I do try to help them pr epare for all possibilities once it enters the equation. Whether or not two people will end up in
a long-lasting relationship or eventually break up isn’t determined by the act or the timing of it (my husband’s good friend married a man she sl ept with on their first date), but sex usually provides clarity for those in volved, and speeds up an eventual outcome. Walls tend to come down following it, and we often see sides of others we didn’t glimpse beforehand. With the right person, this revelation can be life-changing. With the wrong match, it can lead to disappointment and hurt. “And don’t be mad, all right?” Meera launched into the climax of her story. I leaned in, trying to mask my concern. “He told me he loves me.” I thought about my twenties when I’d dated a coworker twelve and a half years my senior who started our relationship hot and heavy. His pursuit of me was both flattering and exhilarating, and after I reacted well to learning something he deemed shameful about his past, he told me he loved me. It was our third date. Our relationship had seemed promising—he was older, so telling me how he felt so quickly seemed like a sign of certainty and maturity. But as things progressed, his actions didn’t align with his words. He enjoyed how I made him feel, but he made me feel uncertain and anxious. My gut told me I was a placeholder, that he’d taken previous objects of his affection to the same French restaurant and serenaded them with the same Billy Joel songs. (I would later learn I was right.) Rather than falling in and out of love easily, I speculated, he might never have felt it to begin with. A younger, less aware me would have stuck around, ignoring those concerns and relishing the scattered breadcrumbs thrown my way, but I had just come off a healthier two-year relationship and could tell that something about this new one was off. I didn’t es cape unscathed, but the damage could have been far worse if I hadn’t had a more positive reference point. I wanted to share all of this with Meera, but I could tell she was smitten, and it wasn’t my job to lecture her based on my own history. “Is it possible,” I wondered aloud, “that Trevor is simply a more open, sensitive kind of guy? The kind who feels emotions in a big way, very early on, and doesn’t take the time to process them before sharing?” “He said he’s been waiting his whole life to find me,” Meera said defensively. “You don’t think that’s true?” I had to admire her idealism. I didn’t doubt that Trevor had found in Meera a good person worth loving. She was. But I also knew her and suspected that on the date, she had been a captive and eager audience for whatever Trevor needed, leading him to overextend and her to overinterpret. When I asked whether their life perspectives and values aligned, she wasn’t sure. Apparently, the hours of conversation they’d had together didn’t scratch the surface of worldviews or religion. I asked how she’d feel if he attended church regularly, given that her family is Hindu. She said she’d be open, provided he’d celebrate their traditions too. The sentiment was great, but it was an untested one. I also wondered whether she had a sense of how he might handle conflict, and whether he knew about her tendency to ke ep things bottled up, afraid of scaring loved ones away if she expressed discontent. There was still so much more to learn about each other, which was normal. But by receiving Trevor’s declaration of love without protest, Meera was sending the message that she bought into his definition of it—which in volved blind acc eptance. A healthier form of love means acc epting someone after really getting to know them, and feeling acc epted by them in return—something that can only be earned over time. Trevor’s eagerness to drop the L-word so readily concerned me. Was this something he’d done before? Declaring feelings this early might feel like a welcome release to one person, but if shared before weighing its potential effects on the person you’re saying it to, that can get messy. I’ve coached enough men and women prone to feeling more passionate emotions from the jump to not presume malicious intent; however, Trevor’s toxic enthusiasm was the last thing Meera needed on her journey to find her husband. While that kind of energy might feel exciting to her, even more so would be the lasting
connection she could make following a courtship of thoughtfulness and restraint. I also worried that if Trevor’s affection were to become inconsistent, Meera might revert to spending months or years trying to make a relationship with him work rather than leaving herself open to other possibilities. “Do you believe in twin flames?” she asked, as if our entire client-coach relationship d epended on the answer. “Twin flames” is a niche dating term some mistakenly use interchangeably with “soulmates.” Actress Megan Fox clarified the distinction on the podcast Give Them Lala... with Randall, sharing that a twin flame is “actually where a soul has ascended into a high enough level that it can be split into two different bodies at the same time. So we’re actually two halves of the same soul, I think,” she shared about her relationship with the musician Machine Gun Kelly. These types of bonds are usually more intense and volatile. There’s even an alleged cult, Twin Flames Universe, that recruits new members based on the conc ept. After weighing my response, I led by sharing my disdain for any theory that suggests a person can’t be “complete” without another. I believe you can’t find the right match for you without feeling complete first. “You also need physical chemistry to sustain a good relationship, an emotional and intellectual connection, similar life goals, a shared value system, trust, and healthy communication around conflict,” I explained to her. “And you need time to make sure their actions align with their words. Anyone can talk a big game.” “You think that’s what Trevor is doing?” Meera asked with a spike of worry in her voice. “Not necessarily.” The truth was, I couldn’t possibly know Trevor well enough to understand his mindset. But my point was there was no harm in waiting. I asked Meera whether she and Trevor were using labels yet. “Defining the relationship” is often one of the most difficult and overlooked parts of dating, especially in a world of apps and hookup culture. Many people slide into relationships without actively discussing them, or move forward without labels, worried that talking about it will cause the other person to bolt. It was entirely possible that Trevor saying “I love you” was his way of showing commitment and intention, but Meera admitted there was a lack of clarity there. I tried masking my relief. This meant there was still time for Meera to slow down, but I had to navigate that conversation carefully. If I didn’t seem supportive of her budding relationship with Trevor, she wouldn’t feel comfortable confiding in me about him in the future. I also wanted to leave room for the possibility that he was everything Meera had been waiting for. Just because I was sk eptical didn’t mean I was right—plus, I could be harboring a bias, annoyed that she had so easily dismissed sweet Sal, my own recent choice for her. I advised her to see how Trevor would treat her over time, but she was worried. “What if he wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend sooner?” If Trevor wanted to move faster, I assured her, it meant he really liked her, and wouldn’t walk away just because she needed to move at a different pace. “It’s my job to help you consider all options, before you rule out the rest of the entire world as your dating pool,” I told her. “Let him earn the right to be exclusive with you. You’re worth it.” I could tell from her familiar asymmetrical smile that the compliment landed. “If your connection with Trevor is as real and genuine as you say, he’ll still feel this way about you in a few months from now. I promise.” She reluctantly agreed. Meera didn’t need my permission or approval to escalate her relationship with Trevor, but I was glad, for her own sake, that she was seeking it out. To help assuage her anxiety about it, I suggested we set a deadline. “If you both feel the same way two months from now, and Trevor’s behavior is consistent, let’s revisit the boyfriend conversation.” Meera nodded. Crisis averted, for now.
Drivers often slow down to ogle a car accident, a phenomenon called rubbernecking. The morbid behavior, which can lead to even more accidents, is both dangerous and ill-advised—yet it’s human nature to observe, and to internalize what’s in front of you in the service of self-protection. You watch the crash out of curiosity, but also because on some level, you want to know how it happened, and how to avoid it. Dating is no different. We watch the people around us ruin relationships, and try to learn from them. Oftentimes, the most traumatic ones are the most educational. For me as a dating coach, rubbernecking isn’t just an occupational hazard; it’s a necessity. My job is to constantly study and learn from others’ mistakes in hopes that examining one client’s error will spare dozens more from the same fate. As I thought about Meera, I wondered whether this was what having kids would feel like. How many times had my mother given me advice about a particular situation, only for me to dismiss it? (If only we could trust objective and caring third parties the way we trust ourselves.) Many of us have to explore a potentially bad situation, though, sometimes multiple times, before we can recognize the consequences of it. The possibility of regret can make it feel impossible to walk away. Sure, that might look like a red flag. But what if it’s not? What if this time, with me, it’s different? We all have to learn the hard way, and for me, that took years. But once clarity came, it felt as if everything clicked all at once. Rather than judge someone for not making what any reasonable outsider would deem the “right” choice—after all, many intelligent people make poor decisions, especially when it comes to finding love—it’s my job to meet people where they’re at, ask helpful questions, dole out productive advice, and comfort them all the same when they don’t take it.