The Conflict Like building confidence and knowing how to flirt, recognizing red flags—or warning signs in a relationship that indicate potential problems—is a skill that can sometimes take time to build. Some red flags are easier to spot (such as some physical, verbal, and substance abuse), but others don’t present themselves until after we feel comfortable in a relationship or, worse yet, have fallen in love. So early detection is key. I decided to frame my next session with Meera as a “general lesson” rather than focusing on Trevor specifically, as I figured that would make her less defensive and more rec eptive to the information (and better pr epared for the future). I started by asking her what came to mind when she thought of red flags. “I don’t know,” she answered reflexively. “Cheating?” She started with what she believed to be a clear red flag, but in some ways, it wasn’t. Did she mean someone cheating on her? Or in their past relationship? If a person cheats on you, and early, that’s not only a red flag, I would argue, but a reason to break up with them. Other scenarios, though, are more nuanced. If someone cheated in their past, disclosed it, and appeared to learn from their mistake, it might be more of a beige flag—a behavior or dating history that might give pause, but ultimately prove to be harmless. Drawing a hard line at such a blatant betrayal might feel simple from the outside, and while I can’t imagine forgiving my partner for the act, I try not to judge people who stay in relationships with someone who cheated on them. If the cheating happened years into a relationship, or there are children in volved, I can understand the temptation to try and forgive the act—especially if it was only once, there was no emotional attachment at play, and the offending partner was remorseful afterward. While I’ve never experienced this myself, I’ve worked with enough clients who faced such devastating consequences over their transgressions that they’re unlikely to r epeat the behavior that resulted in them. But what I imagined Meera was referring to, when she addressed possible red flags, is that someone’s ability to betray a loved one in such a profound way can sometimes be a pattern. Cheating physically or emotionally can be a sign that they didn’t have enough respect for that person to end their relationship before exploring something new. “What if they cheated with you?” Meera wondered, which was a valid question. “You might not picture them being able to do it to you, in that case,” I r eplied, “but if they did it once before, they could do it again.” Meera nodded, taking notes. Next, I moved on to problematic relations with friends or family. Some examples are cod ependency, withholding of approval, and broken connections. Cod ependency, or unhealthy mental, emotional, or physical reliance on someone else, is a major relationship killer. I once coached a stuntwoman who was in volved with a man whose mom was still really attached to his ex. Inappropriately, the mom continued to spend time with her son’s ex, even campaigning for them to get back together. Rather than put the kibosh on it, the man k ept in touch with his ex to appease his mother. Until her boyfriend learned to exercise healthy familial boundaries, there would always be at least three people in their relationship. While we’re hesitant to admit it, we don’t just marry someone else—we marry into their family. If it’s a struggle for their family to acc ept a relationship with you, that’s an unfortunate uphill battle, and perhaps one you might experience for a lifetime. If your friends or family are the ones reluctant to support your relationship, that’s also worth considering. Are they being unfair, or is it possible they see red flags that you don’t? We all have a knee-jerk reaction to defend
the people we care about, so if your loved ones aren’t the type to normally intervene, and are voicing concern now, that might be worth evaluating. When it comes to people who aren’t close with their families, I’m hesitant to label this as a red flag, because sometimes it’s for understandable reasons (and they might be seeking to strengthen their bond with whatever family they create with their partner). But other times, their lack of closeness with a relative can be a reflection on them. Every story has more than one side: Don’t simply buy into your partner’s version because it’s convenient. Express a healthy curiosity about broken family bonds, and without overst epping, try to get a sense of your partner’s role in that. If they don’t speak to someone in their family, could they cut you out just as easily one day? Do they believe absence is a valid way to solve conflict? Is this how they’ll want you to handle conflict with your own family in the future? This all seemed to resonate with Meera, so I continued onto the next red flag: inflexibility. The ability to compromise is essential in any healthy relationship, but some people are too rigid and set in their ways, hold too narrow a worldview, or refuse to waver from how they were raised—even if doing so doesn’t bump against any of their core values. If you find yourself constantly bending to your partner’s will while your own wants and needs are being disregarded, this is another cause for concern. Some older bachelors and bachelorettes, in particular, can be more stubborn and accustomed to routine. But, it’s never too late to grow! After, I tackled inconsistency, one of the hardest red flags to identify and acc ept, and one that’s been studied in large-scale settings. In 1956, the psychologist B. F. Skinner conducted an experiment to evaluate the effects of intermittent reinforcement by rewarding rats with pellets when they pushed a button—only, for some rats, the pellets were dispensed sometimes, not automatically. Data found that the rats who were rewarded inconsistently actually wound up giving the most effort, and it turns out people behave similarly. When we’re rewarded all the time, we tend to work less for it. The “hard-earned” prize, when doled out by, let’s say, an emotionally unavailable partner, is often chased with more enthusiasm. To return to the “honeymoon” phase of a toxic cycle, we’ll put up with practically anything to make that happen. Finally, I was ready to cover intensity, a personal pet peeve, and the most pernicious of all red flags, because it often masquerades as a desirable trait in a partner. Intensity covers a wide range of behaviors, and it was important for Meera to be aware of all its various manifestations so she could be on the lookout for them with Trevor, or anyone else in the future. Pace was one, and a complicated topic to navigate. Moving too quickly can be cause for concern in a relationship, but so is someone not wanting to commit. So, what is the right “speed limit”? This is where a good head on our shoulders, and a regular gut check, is important. If someone says “I love you” on the first few dates, before they’ve really gotten to know you—and I don’t just mean the best version of yourself—this is a red flag too. If you value yourself highly, you might feel—“Aha! Finally someone who recognizes my worth! I feel seen!” And if you don’t value yourself enough, you might be thrilled about the external, and much-needed, validation. Some people call this initial and sudden expression of de ep feeling “love bombing”—a manipulative dating tactic disguised as excessive flattery. The turn of phrase is clever, but like many quick-fix definitions that have emerged around dating, I find it to be dismissive. While some of these “emotional terrorists” have sinister agendas (the jury was still out on Trevor), I don’t believe the majority of singles who commit such offenses behave this way on purpose. If they do, it would be easier for intelligent women such as Meera to identify. It’s possible I have a blind spot—I tend to empathize with my clients—but years of experience have led me to believe that most people are well-intentioned, and that any hurt inflicted on others is an unfortunate result of immaturity or
unacknowledged pain. Often, men and women who spill the “L-word” too soon are bigger romantics than we are! The difference is that they presume love from the outset, when they’re feeling a connection with someone, rather than waiting for it to grow over time. This often leads to their recipients not living up to the ideals they have built up in their heads, and the relationship winds up imploding. One day their declaration of love might translate to a more permanent feeling with someone, but encouraging them to take more time to be thoughtful about it, to conclude whether their feelings are temporary, will only prove beneficial in the long run. “I think Trevor meant it with me,” Meera insisted. I didn’t push back. “He probably did,” I assured her gently. “Let’s just call it red flag territory,” I suggested. Questioning her implicit faith in this matter was important, because I wanted her to be more thoughtful when weighing exclusivity, and there was much to consider here. I shared with her what I share with all clients. If you’re really right for someone, and you’ve been dating less than three months, they’ll be patient as you explore other options, provided you’re rec eptive to them doing the same. If they’re pressuring you too much otherwise, this is worrisome. While it’s flattering to be pursued, once you’ve defined your relationship with them, you’ll be more likely to overlook less desirable aspects of their personality that haven’t emerged yet—so if your instincts are telling you to take more time before committing, then do it. For those who normally rush in, I challenge them to wait a little longer. I’m often frustrated by my more “passionate” clients who—after meeting someone for a second at Miley Cyrus’s birthday party—cancel on a meaningful introduction I have for them because they’re convinced they just met their soulmate. Time and again, those same clients hit me up weeks later to share that it didn’t work out with their potential partner (only to learn that the match I had in mind for them is no longer available). If they had slowed their roll a bit and waited to see if the connection was a lasting one, while ke eping other options open in the meantime, they would have been better off. Determining when to become exclusive with someone should be based on a number of factors, but those factors shouldn’t, and frankly can’t, be determined after only a handful of interactions. Moving too slowly, on the other hand, is just as alarming, and is sometimes tied to our attachment style. Attachment theory, which originated from the collaborative work of J. Bowlby and M. S. Ainsworth in the 1930 s, helps explain why some people are reluctant to commit. Different attachment styles, or ways in which people behave in relationships (including their desire for closeness and intimacy) can be traced back to childhood and how our parents responded to our needs—the healthiest being a secure attachment. An anxious attachment style is another common one, typically marked by a higher need for reassurance. But when it comes to dating, avoidants are who you want to, well, avoid. Having strict parents who encourage suppression of feelings, or having parents who are emotionally distant themselves, often results in kids with an “avoidantdismissive” attachment style. These children might grow up to be strong and ind ependent on the outside, but they typically struggle to make meaningful connections with others, and have a low tolerance for affection. Rarer is someone with a disorganized attachment style, known as a “fearful-avoidant” type. This develops when a child fears the one person who’s supposed to be their source of safety, due to abuse or even inconsistency. In relationships with those people, the highs can be really high, but the lows can be even lower. I always encourage clients like Meera, who might be dating someone who fits this description, to ask themselves a couple of telling questions, such as: Has this person made me cry recently? Am I holding back whole truths when discussing them with my friends? While I supposed Meera had told her close
circle of friends about some of her anxieties surrounding Trevor, I bet she subconsciously softened the blow by embellishing his displays of affection and other positive signs he intended to move the relationship forward. In the early stages of dating, we often focus exclusively on a partner’s more winning attributes, especially if they help mitigate the ones that cause us pain. Meera wasn’t alone in dating someone with a potentially avoidant attachment style, as this type comprises approximately 27 percent of the population. But as time passes and people with other attachment styles wind up in healthy relationships, avoidants start comprising an even larger percentage of the dating pool. Setting realistic deadlines when dating someone like this is helpful, but only if you stick to them. If you say that you’re going to break up with someone if they won’t commit to exclusivity after six months, then do it. If you say you’re going to break up with them if you’re not engaged after three years, then do that. The biggest mistake in dating someone with commitment issues is extending a deadline and giving them an even longer time to be indecisive. We think we’re setting our relationship up for more success by giving our partner more time to process, but in reality, we’re subconsciously sending the message that we’re okay with their inaction. If you walk away, and they come after you, then great. If they don’t, you’ve saved yourself additional time and heartache. It’s important to note that deadlines should not be ultimatums issued to your partner, but more so, internal ones to hold yourself accountable. If you need to, share that deadline with a friend, and insist they hold you to it. Attachment styles are de eply embedded in our personalities, requiring a great deal of therapy and dedication to help change them, so if you think you’re dating someone avoidant, typically it’s best to move on. As for the recommended “speed limit”? After three to six months of consistent dating, you should be on the same page in terms of exclusivity. “When should you meet someone’s family?” Meera wanted to know next. The answer was nuanced. Factors such as how often two people are seeing each other, or whether their family lives in town, needed to be taken into consideration. She wondered whether meeting them should be a precursor to exclusivity. “No,” I answered truthfully. “That st ep usually comes later. But if that person isn’t ready to introduce you anytime soon, it’s something you should evaluate.” Another form of intensity worth examining was controlling behavior. To help illustrate my point, I chose to share about my own, previous controlling relationship, so Meera could potentially learn from my experience—and know I wouldn’t be judging her over Trevor. She looked surprised as I opened up, almost shocked someone like me could wind up in that situation. (Most people who’ve never experienced it don’t understand how a strong, ind ependent, and successful person could be so manipulated. But manipulation is gradual—just ask Anna Kendrick or Olivia Munn, who’ve both publicly claimed they survived relationships wrought with emotional abuse.) The problematic behaviors slowly se ep in over such a long period of time, often counterbalanced by lavish gestures and false promises, that by the time you realize you’re in a toxic relationship, you have to decide whether you want to cut ties with someone you’ve already developed de ep feelings for—which is why recognizing early warning signs is important. “So, what are they?” Meera asked, enraptured. “Well, at the beginning, someone might only be telling you what to eat for dinner or what shows to watch.” I studied Meera’s face, searching for any sign of recognition, but I couldn’t get a good enough read. “D epriving you of choice is how it starts,” I continued. “Sometimes, though, it’s even less direct.” My controlling ex would never blatantly tell me which friends and family to ke ep around, but he did criticize certain people in my life enough that it made me question whether I was a good judge of character. This boyfriend of mine was
extremely intelligent, charming, and athletic, and best of all, he seemed crazy about me. Plus, when I finally worked up the courage to confront him about what certainly felt to me like his control issues, he acknowledged he had them (surely a good sign, right?), and said I was a perfect match for him because my strength and ind ependence could “help ke ep [him] in check.” In retrospect, I feel this was a classic manipulation tactic of making me believe our dynamic was exactly the kind he needed. But what kind of person did I need? And who was looking out for that? Many attempted breakups later, despite a significant run that seemed to be cre eping toward an engagement, I couldn’t shake the conviction that someone else was out there who could make me feel truly seen in a relationship. Since starting my coaching business, I’ve not only worked with survivors of these types of relationships, but also coached some of the abusers themselves, which has been de eply insightful and cathartic. Some offenders are people used to “being in charge” at work (think attorneys, CEOs, directors, etc.); others lack control in other areas of their life and use their relationships as a way to gain it. Most people I work with who fit these descriptions don’t see their behavior as problematic at first. Inflated self-worth and fragile egos often accompany these personalities, which makes their ability to recognize their bad behavior even trickier. This is why I typically only see real change in these clients after working with them for extended periods of time. Gaslighting is another manipulation tactic you often find in controlling partners. Gaslighters convince you that your reality is untrue—something that ultimately undermines the relationship you have with yourself. By downplaying the harm they’ve caused you, or belittling you for questioning them about it, they might make you doubt your own instincts and memories. Eventually, they make you believe that you need them in order to make more sound decisions, and it’s this d ependency that makes it so hard to leave. “This is a lot,” I acknowledged to Meera. “We can go over any of it again later, if you have questions.” “I do,” Meera responded. “But for now, should I be worried about Trevor? Or do you think I’m in an okay place with him?” “Well,” I answered honestly, “I’m mainly worried that you’re not calling him your boyfriend yet, but you’re acting like he is.” “Are you saying I’m a red flag, Jaydi?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “How about we save that question for another session?” “Okay. But you might be surprised,” she shared, knowing full well she’d catch me off guard, “that I’m talking to someone else on Bumble.” “You’re on Bumble?!” Once again, Meera dropped a major headline far too casually. “When did this happen?” “Well, I never technically went off it. I just wasn’t using it for a while. His name is Raj,” she added, amused by my predictably stunned reaction. “Raj? As in...?” “Yes. He’s also Indian,” she confirmed. Ever since I’d met Meera, her parents had been pressing her to date guys from a similar background, but like my husband and some other clients who hail from other minority groups, she’d always insisted they reminded her of family. Apparently Raj was first-generation American and didn’t usually date other South Asians either. Through the app, the two had discussed their mutual desire to have kids and attend an upcoming Nick Cave concert together. The length of the back-and-forth conversation was a little more than I usually recommend prior to a first meetup (I’m a fan of cutting to the chase and seeing whether there’s any in-person chemistry sooner rather than later), but I was excited that Meera was still leaving room for other possibilities. Perhaps we were making progress after all! At least I thought we were, until she said: “I do feel like I’d be cheating on Trevor if I met him, though.” I understood the sentiment, but encouraged Meera not to feel guilty about it. Until Trevor was willing and proud to call himself her “boyfriend,” she had every right to acc ept dates from others. “You always said actions are more important than words, though, right?” Meera challenged. I had said that, but her usage was an oversimplification. The ideal relationship offers multiple forms of
validation, which Trevor wasn’t currently giving her. “You might be right about him,” I appealed to her hopefulness. “But until he’s ready to discuss exclusivity, if that’s even still what you want when it happens, you should remain open to other options.” She promised she’d consider it, then asked whether I could approve her outfit for her date with Trevor that night. I nodded; I would always jump at the opportunity to remind Meera how beautiful she was. After disappearing from the screen for a few moments, she emerged in a cute sweater and light-colored jeans. I could tell she felt good in the outfit, and confirmed the combo was the right call. Whether continuing to date Trevor was the right call was ultimately for Meera to decide.
Act Two