Mommy and Daddo are throwing a party tonight. They throw lots of parties. Their friends talk loud and laugh loud and the music gets so loud you can’t help but dance. And everybody drinks adult drinks, I know. They get a babysitter for me when they have parties, even though I’m not home alone and I’m not a baby. His name is Kelvin. Kelvin goes to the high school in Chaps. He’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. Daddo met him first. In a sports league Daddo plays in. Soccer. Or softball, maybe. I don’t know. But Kelvin is really fun to be around. He’s a friend. There’s already music playing downstairs. And know what? I don’t just dance, I’m actually good at it. Dr. Smith wasn’t kidding when he said I’m coordinated. Mommy and Daddo used to laugh when I danced because they said they didn’t expect me to be so good. Now they don’t laugh. Now they ask me to dance for friends at their parties. Kelvin also knows I’m a good dancer because when Mommy and Daddo go out, I put on the music I like and I dance for Kelvin. Sometimes he dances too. He’s always on the phone when he’s here. But he still watches me. Makes sure I don’t do anything like turn the stove on and all the other things parents worry about. I know Mommy wanted to cancel tonight because I fell down the slide. But Daddo said it would be okay. He said Dr. Smith said there was nothing wrong with me. And there isn’t. So what better reason for a party than a “clean bill of health”? Daddo is fun like that. I love him so much. I hear people downstairs already in the kitchen with Mommy and Daddo. It’s Amanda and Dan. They always come early and they always leave early and I wonder if it’s because they don’t like it when people start talking loud. They have a little baby at home. They talk about wanting more. Mommy and Daddo make jokes about me being “a handful” all by myself, but then they always say I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to them. Right now, downstairs, Amanda laughs at something Daddo says. He makes Amanda and Dan crack up whenever they come over. I like the sound of them laughing. If there was a sound that was the opposite of Other Mommy’s voice, it would be laughter. The music isn’t so loud that I can’t hear them talking down there. So, Bela took a fall? Dan asks. Amanda told me this happened. It was no big deal, Daddo says. She’s fine. Actually, Mommy says, I was there and it was scary as shit. I bet, Amanda says. Poor kid. Doctor said she’s fine, Daddo says. I am fine. Did she hit her head? Dan asks.
We don’t think so, Mommy says. But it looked like it. And it made the worst sound. Or she did. As she fell. It was like she grunted or... Or what? Amanda asks. Well, it sounded like an old man grunting. Not like a little kid. I’m sure she was scared, Daddo says. I’d hope no tape recorders are nearby when I make my scared sounds. Amanda and Dan laugh. But Mommy means it. It could’ve been a car’s muffler near the park, Mommy says. Or even her shoe on the slide, I don’t know. But when I play the sound back in my memory... it was like an animal grunting when it doesn’t get what it wants. The doorbell rings. I leave my bedroom. I’m at the top of the st eps, looking down at people arriving. Mark, Daddo says. Well, well, welcome. Mark is one of Daddo’s best friends. They have parties just by themselves a lot of nights. They listen to music and drink a lot. They get loud but never mad. How’s Bela? Mark asks. You mentioned the doctor. But I’m fine. And adults are dramatic. Daddo said that once. She’s fine, Daddo says. Just gave Urs a scare is all. I bet. This is why you’ve never had kids. This and ten other reasons. Not finding a woman to have one with is near the top. Daddo starts to shut the door but another couple is here and so the party has already started. I go back to my bedroom. I want to change into my party clothes. But those clothes are in the closet. And I don’t wanna go in there right now. Instead, I go to the dresser and try to find something else to wear. The doorbell rings. The music gets a little louder downstairs. I don’t like the clothes in my dresser. I look to the closet. It’s closed. I think of carnations. Did I close the closet doors? Do I ever open or close the closet anymore? Hey! I hear Kelvin downstairs! Kelvin is here! I’m so excited, I could scream! Kelvin! I yell out. I hurry to the top of the stairs and see him at the bottom, already talking to people. Kelvin! I yell again. Bela! Come help me get my clothes from the closet!
Give me a second, he says. Then I’m all yours! Mommy meets him at the door and shakes his hand. She looks up the stairs and sees me and says, He’ll be right up, Bela. Come into the kitchen for a minute, Kelvin. Okay. So now I wait. While Mommy tells him I got scared and fell. But meanwhile, I’m fine. I head back to my bedroom and more people come to the front door and I can hear Laver and Marsha and Amanda and Dan and Billy and Anita and voices I don’t recognize too. I look to the closet. It’s closed. I look to the bathroom. I listen. Other Mommy? I say. Bela. But it’s real Mommy’s voice, behind me at my bedroom door. She scared me! Hey, Bela, Kelvin says. Mommy and Kelvin enter my bedroom. Kelvin is gonna watch you, Mommy says. Like usual. Then, to Kelvin: But feel free to hang out downstairs too. You know the drill. Bela is not only welcome, she’s wanted. The reason we hire you is so we can get drunk enough without freaking out where our child is. Kelvin laughs. Y
Ep I know the drill. And you, Mommy says. You should dance for everyone. If you’re up for it. I want to! Mommy smiles. But she’s still worried about me. I can tell. So, Kelvin says to me. Clothes are in the closet? He st eps to the closet. Mommy makes a face like she saw something in the bathroom. She goes into the bathroom. Kelvin puts his hands on the closet doorknobs. He turns to me. What’s up? Are the clothes not in here? You look like you’re about to say something. I’m watching the bathroom. Why is it quiet in there? What did Mommy see? Bela? Kelvin asks. I st ep toward the bathroom. Mommy st eps out again.
She’s holding a towel. Not on the floor, Bela. I look to the closet. Just as Kelvin opens the doors. No! I shout. But it’s just my clothes hanging on the hangers. Bela? Mommy says. I know she’s thinking of me falling at the park. Those, I say. I point to the clothes I want to wear downstairs. The clothes I want to dance in. They’re purple and blue and they look just like something a dancer would wear on TV. I thought so, Kelvin says. You got this, Kelvin? I’m heading back down, Mommy says. There are so many voices down there. And the music is even louder again. Thank you, Mommy says to him. Bela, be good for Kelvin. Kelvin takes the purple and blue clothes from the closet and sets them on the bed. Get changed in the bathroom, he says. And hurry. They love you down there. I look to the bathroom. What is it? he asks. Then he’s up and looking in the bathroom himself. Worried it’s too messy in here? Don’t be. Watch. I carry the clothes to the bathroom door and watch as he quickly arranges my toothbrush and soap so the bathroom looks cleaner. There. Now you have a nice place to change. You know, Bela, little things can make a big difference. I don’t expect someone your age to get that. I didn’t get it back then. But it’s true. A clean changing room can make you feel like you’re changing into a clean person. I am a clean person! Ha. Yes. I didn’t mean that. He leaves the bathroom and I bring my clothes inside. I shut the door behind me. I wanna get changed really fast, but all I can do is stare at the tub. Other Mommy was in there when Daddo was in here last. And if she’s not in there now, and if she’s not in the closet... where is she? I imagine her downstairs. Dancing for the people there. I’m at Bela’s place, yeah, Kelvin says out in my bedroom. He’s on the phone. Always on the phone. I think he has a crush on someone. I hurry up and change into my party clothes.
Yeah, a lot of people here, Kelvin says into the phone. I look in the mirror. I look to the tub. Hang on, Kelvin says. I think I just heard something on the roof. He laughs. Bela? he calls. Do you have squirrels on the roof here? I leave the bathroom fast. Kelvin is standing in front of the closet like he’s about to slide my clothes apart so he can look inside better. No! I shout. He laughs. The voice on the phone asks why the kid just screamed. Wow, Bela, Kelvin says. You’re piqued, huh? Thought I heard something is all. Come on. I don’t close the closet doors. Kelvin and I leave my bedroom. I’ll call you later, Kelvin says. He hangs up. I look back to the closet. To where my party clothes aren’t hanging anymore. It’s like a gap there. A hole in the house. It’s real lit downstairs, Kelvin says. I’m sure we’ll become someone’s confession booth tonight. What does that mean? Ha. It means someone is going to drink too much and decide to tell the young people a secret. You good? What’s on your mind? Carnations, I say. Like... the flowers? I know what carnations are because I looked them up after Other Mommy told me about them. Yeah, I say. What about them? We’re halfway down the st eps. They bring you back to life, I say. Kelvin laughs hard. What do you mean? I’m getting a little hot. Am I embarrassed? Carnations, I say again. Friends use them to bring each other back to life. Wow, he says. You are amazing, Bela. Sure, maybe carnations bring people back to life. I’ve heard of worse things! We get to the bottom together. It’s like slipping into a pool of people. The adults all drink from cups and glasses and some are in the living room and some are in the kitchen and some are on the back deck and the back door is
open. There’s a lot of smoke. The kind that makes Daddo and Mark laugh. Bela! a lady says. Bela! a man says. Bela! Are you gonna dance for us? Bela! How are you? Bela! Hello! Bela! Are you going to dance for us? Bela? When are you going to dance? Daddo. There he is. He leaves a group of people and comes to me. Hey, you. Hey, Kelvin. You two good? Hey, Kelvin says. Yes, we’re great. Bela has her dance pants on. And carnations bring people back to life. Daddo looks at me with a funny smile. This is like a stand-up bit, right? Daddo says. You mean rein- carnation? Yeah, I say. That’s it. That’s what Other Mommy told me about when she was on her knees at the end of my bed. That’s a good one, Daddo says. Then, to Kelvin: Make yourself at home. Eat whatever you want, of course. And Bela, come here, I want you to meet someone. Daddo leads me to the fir eplace in the living room. A woman is sitting on the stones there. She’s got red hair and big glasses and she’s looking right at me. Bela, this is Lois Anthony. She works with people all over the world. Hello, Bela. She holds out her hand for me to shake it like I’m an adult. She smiles and it looks like she means it. The word Daddo uses is “genuine” when someone smiles like she does. I think of Daddo saying how people need to be kind. How that’s how you know how smart someone is, by how kind they are. Your father tells me you may be a Sensitive. I look to Daddo. He looks away for a second and I know he’s uncomfortable. What does that mean? I ask. Lois Anthony nods like she was expecting me to ask that. Some people are able to sense more in this world than others, she says. It’s a real talent. Something to be extremely proud of. I look to Daddo.
Well, we’ll get de eper into this later, he says. But just know... Lois is definitely someone to talk to about anything you want to talk about. I just wanted you to meet her is all. Lois doesn’t take her eyes off me. Can I do one thing? she asks. Sure, I say. Lois reaches out and puts her hand on my shoulder. She closes her eyes. She holds her hand there for a little while. I think she’s disappointed. She opens her eyes. Didn’t sense any magic? Daddo jokes. Lois smiles. O, what do I know. Just an old hippie, in the end. But she’s still studying me. Like she was expecting to learn something when she touched me but didn’t. Bela! Mommy and Daddo’s friend Marsha is calling to me from the entrance to the living room. She has a glass in each hand. Her face is already red. How are you, sweetheart? Marsha always talks to me when she drinks. She’s funny like that. It’s so cute that you hang out with the adults! she says. My kids would never do that. They hate me. Her kids are older than me. Mommy is there now next to Marsha. She frowns but she doesn’t mean it. Bela, stop judging us, Mommy says. Marsha laughs and Kelvin appears beside Mommy. Bela! Are you partying? Yeah, I say. Mommy looks to Lois Anthony. Then Mommy and Marsha and Kelvin start talking about clothes. Bela, Lois Anthony says. I barely hear her over the music. Daddo and some other people are really excited about this song. They’re playing the instruments without any instruments in their hands. Come here for a second? Lois says. Daddo isn’t standing near her anymore, but I go to her anyway. Do you mind if I touch your shoulder again? she asks. Why? The party is getting louder. Even Kelvin is practically shouting to Marsha by the hall.
Well, I’ll be honest with you. I really thought you might be a Sensitive when I met you, but when I touched your shoulder, I got zero indication I was right about that. Okay. Yes, that is okay. Exc ept... also it’s not. I’m usually right about this sort of thing. Can we try again? Okay. Okay. Here. She puts her hand on my shoulder. She breathes in de ep. She closes her eyes. I like her face. It’s wrinkled in a good way. Smooth skin but wrinkled. She’s older but feels young. Tell me, she says. Are you seeing ghosts? But this question scares me. No, I say. No? Your dad said you might be. Did he? Did Daddo say that? Ghosts? No, I say. I don’t see ghosts. How about one ghost? She opens her eyes. The ceiling creaks. I hear it over all the music. No, I say. Lois smiles like maybe she thinks I’m not telling the truth. Well, okay, she says. I didn’t feel anything this time either. But she still stares at me like she’s trying to figure something out. Thank you, Bela, Lois says. And I want you to know... anything you do see is natural. Even if it feels like it’s not. I start walking away from her and I bump into Kelvin. Hey, he says. What do you feel like doing? Ready to dance? So many voices. So much music. Yes, I say. But wait, I need my shoes! Where are they? By the front door. Awesome. Let’s do it. Kelvin walks me past the open kitchen. Everybody’s talking and drinking and there are more people than I’ve ever seen in our house before. We go up the hall and I see Mommy is in the dining room, at the table, laughing at a story a man is telling, and Daddo is on the front porch, smoke like white hair around him and his friends Mark and Laver. They’re laughing, too, and I wanna see why, so I head that way but Kelvin takes my hand and says something about “giving them a minute.” He hands me my shoes and I sit on the foyer bench and put them on. Then Kelvin leads me up the hall again back to the living room, where it’s even more crowded than it was a
minute ago. Mommy won’t allow the TV on at parties and Daddo says it ruins everything unless it’s a “nature doc” because “animals are good to see all the time no matter what.” This is a real party, Kelvin says. It’s about to be, I say. I start dancing. I’m never self-conscious when I dance, but I feel weird tonight. Adults smile at me but mostly they just talk and it’s like I’m not a little baby anymore so maybe it’s not as fun that I’m dancing. But Kelvin dances with me and it’s a fun song and even more people are coming into the room one by one and some women dance with me, and now Daddo and his friends are in the room and Daddo sees me and waves with a funny little smile on his face and I think I hear creaking on the stairs and I dance to the creaking just as much as I dance to the music. Someone is telling a story. I can tell right away it’s a ghost story. Anybody can tell something like that. Ghost stories might not all use the same words, but they all sound like the same words because it’s the ghost we think about, not the words. The man says, The basement was the one place none of us wanted to go, right? But sometimes Mom made us do it and it was the worst thing ever, every time. Piles of magazines and this old sewing machine that was covered in a blanket, so it looked just enough like a person. Scary! someone says. People laugh. More people in the room now. I ke ep dancing. The man says, And one day Mom tells me to go get this box of pictures from the basement. As if worrying about spiders in a box of pictures isn’t enough, the fuckin’ box is in this dark area down there, about as far from the stairs as you can get. So you gotta run as fast as you can, someone says. Yes, the man says. But... there’s the furnace down there too. I look between the people and see all the way down the hall. Mommy is standing close to a man in the foyer. He’s holding her hand. Daddo is talking with his friends near me in the living room. The man and Mommy bring their faces closer together, but then people st ep in the way and I can’t see them anymore. Did Daddo see that? Does this man smell like someone else? The man with the ghost story says, And so I take the stairs down to the basement like I always do. One at a time, gearing up to grab the box and get the hell out of there. What happened? someone says. I’m telling the story right now, Rachel! the man says.
Everybody laughs. Everybody exc ept... Lois Anthony is still in the room. Still sitting on the stone ledge at the fir eplace. Still looking at me. The man telling the story says, And so I get to the bottom of the st eps and I bolt, and I get to the boxes and it feels like bugs are everywhere and I look up and see my dead aunt peeking out from behind the furnace. Everybody says whoa. The man says, And Aunt Nettie lifts a finger to her lips and goes, Shhhhhh. Everybody in the room kinda breathes in together. And a woman screams. And it’s the loudest sound I’ve ever heard. I look to Lois Anthony, but it wasn’t her who screamed. It was Mommy’s friend Marsha. And now suddenly there is no music and Mommy is beside Marsha and so is the man who had his hand on Mommy’s hand and everybody is telling Marsha it was just a story. But she isn’t scared of the story. She’s pointing to the far side of the living room and she yells, There was a monster! A huge... thing! Right there! Daddo’s friend Laver laughs like he’s nervous. But otherwise it’s quiet and nobody knows what to say. My God, Marsha ke eps saying. My God... Marsha, someone says. Are you stoned? But Marsha is shaking and she’s still pointing and she says, It was tall... dark blue... hair... People make room for where she’s pointing and we all see there’s just an empty wall and everyone’s talking about drinking too much and being too stoned and some are looking at one another like whoa, Marsha is upset. But I look across the room and see Lois Anthony is looking right at me still. I st ep forward and I say, That wasn’t a monster, Marsha. And Mommy looks at me the way she does when she wants me to ke ep quiet. She even looks at Kelvin like maybe he could help with that. That wasn’t a monster, I say again. Because she was once a friend. And maybe she still is. Even if she scares me as much as she excites me. A friend. Who was it, Bela? Lois Anthony says. I think of hair on the back of arms. A face on the side of a head. A voice like a friend who ke eps asking for the same thing, over and over, until I give in. Give and take. I say, That was Other Mommy.