Daddo walks behind me on the beach. The sun is up. I sl ept but I don’t remember sle eping. Lois told me someone stayed awake all night and that “nothing is out here with us” but I didn’t say anything back. I woke up and went for a walk and when I look back now I see Daddo walking along the sand too. Mommy is way back with the umbrella and I don’t think she sl ept all night because her face looked like she didn’t. I just wanna walk alone! I yell to Daddo. But it’s windy and the water is loud and I don’t know if he can hear me. Leave me alone! I yell. There’s a tall, sandy cliff ahead. The water is so blue and in some parts green and yesterday Daddo told me the shallow water is a different color from the de ep water and I can’t remember which is which. But what does he know anymore? I look back. Daddo is a little closer now. It’s not fair because his legs are longer. You’re not my dad! I yell. Then I turn to the lake and the wind and I scream as loud as I can and my whole body yells and the wind takes my yell and I hope it gives it to Mommy and Daddo and Lois Anthony too. Bela, Daddo says. He’s right behind me now. That’s because I stopped to yell. Mind if I walk with you? he asks. I want to walk alone. Okay, I understand, Daddo says. But I feel really bad too. And we’re best friends, you and me. And I could use to talk it over with you. He looks sad, and I don’t like when Daddo looks sad. But I don’t know who these people are anymore. I start walking and Daddo walks right behind me and he says, You’re gonna have your own secrets one day, Bela. I know that doesn’t mean much to you right now, but it’s true. It’s one of those things you accumulate in life without even trying. Nobody sets out to ke ep secrets. Not me. Not you. And yet... here... your mommy and me, we had a big one. We have many. Not as crazy as what you learned by the fire last night. No. That’s the biggest secret we had. And for as bad as it’s making you feel, it’s making me feel worse. Yet... at the same time... I’m glad you know now.
Still, I’d like to explain how a secret like this comes to be. How you set out to do the right thing and end up doing the wrong one. This happens in every house in every city in every country in the world. The man Mommy told you about last night was an angry man. Mean too. And he was pr epared to leave Mommy alone with you and that was too much for me to allow, because, well, because I care de eply about Mommy. You know that. You can tell. And so I said, hey, I can help. And so I did. And so I have. You think Mommy gets stressed and serious now? You should’ve seen her when she was pregnant with you. And I was there. For her. For you. Here she was, pregnant one minute, and the next you come out and we’re both crying with happiness that you came out. And neither of us are thinking whether what we’re doing is right or wrong. We’re just... so happy to see you. But then, it struck me, right there in the hospital, seconds after you were born, it struck me how now... now Mommy and I had a secret. Because now we were no longer two, we were three. Yet, when you were a baby, we couldn’t tell you the secret. Right? Because babies can’t understand that kind of thing. And so the question became... when? When do we tell Bela this secret? When you were one year old, you were still too young. Then two. Then three. You see? When was the right time? So, this idea that started with good intentions then became a bad thing. And honestly, Bela, if you think about it, I don’t think it’s me or Mommy you’re mad at. I think your mad at the news. The secret. Just like I’m mad at the secret. And the fact I had to carry it for these years, this most recent year especially, as you seemed to be getting closer to the age where, hey, maybe you should know the truth. Me and Mommy, we talked about this. A lot. And we argued about it. A lot. And we decided... not yet. Over and over we settled on not yet. But at the same time we agreed upon someday soon. You see? Then... all this started happening. And the things Mommy and I saw. And the things you saw. And I can’t believe how insane all this is and then Lois comes along and, I don’t know. I guess she gave us a nudge to tell this secret now. And maybe we shouldn’t have. Maybe agreeing to coming out here was another in a line of bad decisions. But here we are. And if you noticed, there wasn’t an incident last night. Not one like the ones we’ve been suffering. I wanna go home, I say. Home? Daddo says. Really? But home has been the hardest place of all. I wanna go home. We stop walking and Daddo is quiet. What do I call you from now on? I ask. He looks at me like I’m crazy and he says, O, I don’t... I don’t know. I think you can call me whatever you want, Bela. I don’t tell him that I want to call him liar. I walk back toward Mommy and Lois and the umbrella. I wanna go home, I say. I don’t know if we’re ready for that, Daddo says. I am. Up ahead, Mommy and Lois stand by the umbrella and the blankets and they’re talking and the clouds go over the sun and the lake is loud and it’s windy out here and Daddo is still talking about secrets behind me. Other people come out of the big grass and they walk down to the beach. It’s a couple, I think. Younger than Mommy and Daddo, I think. I don’t wanna be out here, I say.
That’s fine, Daddo says. But we have to be smart. We have to— But I don’t wanna hear him anymore, so I turn to the lake again and I scream and it feels like my whole body is yelling, not just my mouth, and I open my eyes and I see the clouds look like Other Mommy is in the air, in the wind, and her face is one big mouth and she’s yelling, too, back at me, or maybe she’s swallowing my scream, yeah, she’s swallowing my scream. Daddo touches my arm, and I shove him away and then I’m in the water, I’m running, I don’t even have my suit on, I’m just going out into the waves and Mommy and Daddo and Lois are all yelling and the water and the wind is so cold and I go under and I yell under there, too, I yell until I’m all one big mouth, too, and I open my eyes and I see her legs, yeah, I see Other Mommy’s hairy legs and her feet with three toes on the rocky bottom and I ke ep yelling and I don’t wanna come up, I don’t wanna be here with these people who lied to me. I want to be home with Other Mommy. Bela! It’s Mommy. They’re all pulling me out of the water and they’re holding me so I don’t go under again and they’re all so scared for me and yelling at each other and the water is so cold and when they carry me back to the sand I think I see the very top of Other Mommy’s head far out in the water. Do we need a doctor? Lois says. No, Mommy and Daddo say at the same time. Then Daddo says, What we need is a family. We have one, Mommy says. Whether or not we’ve done right by it, we have one. I’m cold under the umbrella and Mommy and Daddo are drying me off with towels and Lois is standing in the sand. She’s still wearing her sweater and pants and her big glasses and she looks like she’s never been on a beach before. We love you, Bela, Mommy says. I understand why you’re mad. But we’re still your parents and you aren’t going out to sea on us. Lois looks like she sees something in the water. She looks back at me. We love you, Bela, Daddo says. We love you so much. She could’ve drowned, Mommy says. Lois comes over to us and says, Did any of you see anything out in the water? What? Daddo asks. I just... I thought— Mommy stands up and slaps Lois Anthony’s face and her glasses fall to the sand. O, no, Daddo says. Ursula. Lois holds her face and Mommy st eps back and Daddo goes and picks up the glasses and gives them to Lois. I’m cold and wet under the umbrella. Thank you, Lois says like a whisper to Daddo. I think maybe it’s best if I rented a car and headed home now. Yeah, Mommy says. That’s a good idea. Lois, Daddo says. But then he doesn’t say anything else.
Lois puts her glasses back on. Her face is red. She’s shaking. They’re all so scared and embarrassed and full of lies. I hope we did some good work out here, she says. I hope you three get to lead a normal life. Mommy turns her back on Lois, but Daddo says, Thank you, Lois. And I’m sorry. No, no, Lois says. Just... please. Be careful. Then she picks up a towel and walks away from us. I watch her go up the sand. I look to the water. I need a minute, Mommy says. Holy shit. I need a minute. She walks away and leaves Daddo and me and I think Daddo is going to tell her to be careful. I don’t tell her I can smell Other Mommy. Everything’s a mess, Daddo says. Literally... everything. And it feels like only minutes ago it was all put together. It feels like someone dropped something valuable in the house. Like something we treasured just fell. Doesn’t it? I don’t answer. It’s like I can hear it, Daddo says. The echo of it shattering. Something made of glass. And now I feel like I knew all along it was too close to the edge of the table. I don’t say anything. Bela? Daddo says. I don’t say anything. We tried to do the right thing, Daddo says. And one day you’ll know that. Me and Mommy... we love you. I look to the waves. One of them isn’t moving, I think. Mommy is walking way up the sand. It’s amazing, Daddo says, how one incident can lead to so many more. How one cracked possession can lead to st epping on the glass, then bleeding on the floor, then not getting the stain out, then forever needing to explain the stain to anybody who ever st eps foot in your house. I wanna go home, I say. I know, Daddo says. And that’s where we’re going. Know why? I don’t answer. Because I think a time comes when you realize the whole world and all of life is your house, Daddo says. And so you might think something bad is going on at home, but no. It’s going on in you. And I think that’s the innocence Lois was talking about, Bela. I really do. I think maybe you’re not the only one whose eyes were opened out here.
He’s quiet now and I watch Mommy coming back. I think about her hitting Lois. Bela? Daddo says. I don’t answer. Do you think it worked? I don’t answer. Do you think Lois was right? Do you think we got rid of it? I don’t answer. I watch Mommy walk back and I think of things breaking in our house and I don’t answer. I hope so, Daddo says. Because I’m not sure we have it in us for another scare. Not one more. Not one.