Turns out I’m sle epy after all. Me and Grandma are doing the puzzle and I close my eyes and my head gets closer to the puzzle and Grandma touches the top of my head and tells me to stay up just a little bit longer, let’s get more of this done, she says, “ke ep each other company.” I ke ep telling her I’m awake. Because I am. I’m just sle epy is all. I’m not asle ep. So, I ke ep putting pieces together but it’s getting harder and Grandma got a little bit of a beach done and she says, This is where you guys stayed. Right here. This exact beach, I think. It looks so much smaller when it’s just pieces of a puzzle, but I think I can see the spot where Mommy and Daddo told me their secret and I close my eyes and open them and Grandma has more of the beach done and more of the water and even some of the big grass and I say, I remember that. Right you should, Grandma says. I close my eyes and open them and Grandma has done a lot really fast, it feels like, because there’s more big grass and more of the water and it looks like the water has waves in it and I’m looking at the waves and I think I see one of them that isn’t moving. I lean closer to the puzzle. I open my eyes when Grandma touches the top of my head. I didn’t even know I had closed them. Ke ep me company, she says again. I do. I put two pieces together but then her hands come over to my side and she takes the pieces apart and says no, no, that’s not right, those don’t go together, and I close my eyes and open them and she has even more done. More water. More beach. I see, yeah, one of the waves isn’t a wave. And I see tiny dots on the beach and I think of Mommy and Daddo telling me their secret. You’re my real grandma, I say. That’s right, Grandma says. She adds more pieces and now there’s a little bit of a road and Grandma says, This is the road you took home. Right here. This one. And it looks so small just like my bedroom looked so small and I say, There’s no room for a family on that road. Sure there is, Grandma says. There’s always more room than you think there is. And more to a room. I close my eyes. I open them. Daddo is snoring in the dining room. Maybe Mommy is too. I think I hear her breathing. I look to the kitchen because I thought I heard Mommy breathing in there. What if they die in their sle ep? I ask. I’m worried they’ll always think I hate them if they die in their sle ep. That’s the best way someone can go, Grandma says. In their sle
Ep I’m trying to stay awake. This is the exact road, Grandma says. Just hours ago you were here... She touches the beach. And now you’re here. She points to the actual room we’re in, the living room. So you see? Your house is much bigger than ten rooms, Bela. It’s as big as everything you ever experience. Yeah, I say. But I can’t ke ep my head up and I close my eyes and when I open them Grandma has done so much of the puzzle that I can read the name chaps. I look really close, and I think I see a tiny car on the road from the beach to Chaps. It’s getting easier, Grandma says. It’s like the door has been unlocked. Where’s our house? I ask. She points to a spot by the name chaps and I see a little hair on the back of her finger. I look up at her and she’s not sitting there. She’s standing in the kitchen. Needed a snack, she says. You ke ep nodding off, but I’m wide-awake. I close my eyes, and when I open them, Grandma is not in the kitchen. She’s not in her chair. She’s standing across the living room, staring at me. Grandma, I say. You’re my real grandma. She doesn’t say anything, and I close my eyes and open them and she’s not in the room anymore and I look to the couch and see she’s not there and I hear Daddo snoring in the dining room and I hear Mommy breathing close and I look to the chair across the table and Grandma is sitting in the chair. Her face seems lower on her head. O! I say. Every house is just one room, Bela, she says. One room filled with decisions. Put a wall here, put a door there. Make a corner here, make a closet there. Make a happy home, make an unhappy home. Make a lying home. Make a cheating home. Make a cold home. Make a colder home. All one room. All up to you. I look to the hall. I wanna wake Mommy and Daddo. Would you have closets in your home? Grandma asks. Grandma Ruth? I ask. Would you invite other people into your house? she says. I know what she’s gonna say next. I don’t want her to say it. Into your heart? I get down from the chair. I run.
Out of the room and up the hall and to the front door. I hear creaking from the living room behind me. I open the closet in the foyer and I get inside and I close the door and I hear the house creaking, creaking in the hall, and Daddo snoring, and Mommy snoring, and I want to call out to them to tell them to help but I don’t want Other Mommy to know where I am. Help, I say. I say it quiet. But now I just listen and I hear creaking from up the hall and then creaking on the stairs but it’s quiet creaking like maybe the house has always creaked and usually I just can’t hear it but I hear it now and I feel around in the closet for something to help me like a broom or a stick or— Grandma yells from upstairs. It sounds so bad. Mommy and Daddo come awake in the dining room. I hear Mommy ask Daddo what that was. And I want to tell them Other Mommy is here, but I don’t want Other Mommy to know where I am. She’s gotten closer. As close as she can get. Bela? Daddo says. Mom? Mommy says. Grandma yells again. She’s upstairs and she yells, Stay away for me! It’s Mom, Mommy says. Jesus Christ, Russ, it’s Mom. I feel for something to help me, but all there is are jackets and coats. Mom! Mommy yells. Ursula, Daddo says. Where’s Bela? The whole house is creaking and I look up but it’s dark in here and Grandma yells again and Mommy and Daddo are running for the stairs and they’re so close to me now and I yell, I’m in here! Mommy! Daddo! But their feet are loud on the st eps and Grandma is yelling and Other Mommy is growling upstairs. Mom! Mommy yells. Ruth! Daddo yells. I’m in here! I call. And they sound so far away, in the dark, so much noise, like thunder on the stairs, and Grandma is in trouble up there and I reach for something to protect myself with and I feel a hand in the closet between the jackets and coats. I scream. And I kick open the closet door. And I can see, from the light from the living room, I can see Grandma Ruth is in the closet. Her eyes are closed and her hands are folded over her chest. Mom! Mommy yells upstairs.
Other Mommy growls. Grandma yells. But Grandma isn’t upstairs. O, Mommy, I say. O, Daddo. I look up the stairs and the light is off up there and it’s so dark and I hear Mommy screaming and I hear Daddo groan and I hear a heavy thud like the time Daddo asked me to help him move a table and we dropped it and a glass bowl fell and broke and he said don’t go near the glass and then he said what was I doing asking a kid to help move a table and then we laughed because it was scary and because it was loud and because all we had to do was take the bowl off before moving the table. Daddo... The whole house is creaking. Mommy is screaming and then Other Mommy’s voice gets so de ep, it rattles the windows and I hear another thud like the time Mommy saw me trip when I was running to her from my bedroom because I heard something move in my closet. Mommy, I say. Daddo... And the house Goes Quiet. And all the room in the whole house is quiet and I look up but I can’t see where the stairs end. Mommy, I say. Daddo... I take the first st ep and make it creak. Mommy, I say. Daddo. It’s me. It’s Bela. I take the next st ep and it creaks. And the third st ep creaks and the fourth st ep creaks and I hear a door close upstairs and I call, Mommy! Daddo! It’s me! It’s Bela! And the fifth st ep creaks and all of them are so noisy because I’m running because I’m running upstairs. I stop at the top. Mommy? Daddo? I see there is a little light coming from my bedroom, my bedroom that I always thought was so big but then I saw was so small. It’s me, I say. Bela. I look in my bedroom, and Mommy is lying down with her face in the carpet. Mommy, I say. I’m awake. It’s okay to sle
Ep I’m awake for us. I go in my bedroom. Daddo is lying with his face in the carpet. It’s okay, Daddo. I’m awake for us. I’m on guard. I walk to my bed. It’s me, I say. It’s Bela. I climb up into bed and everything is blurry because I’m crying and my bedroom is blue like the moon makes it blue and I get under my blanket and I say, Good night, Mommy. Good night, Daddo. And Other Mommy st eps out of the closet.
She looks at me like she looked at me the first time I saw her and I bring the blanket up to my nose because I’m crying and I need to wipe my nose with my blanket. I need a friend. Hello, you, Other Mommy says. It’s you. It’s Bela. She walks over to my bed and crouches next to me and she says, Can I go into your heart? And I think of how happy Mommy and Daddo could be. I remember them laughing at jokes in movies and holding hands at the zoo. And I say, Yes. Other Mommy’s eyes are suddenly where they’re supposed to be. They show white-blue and then... ... she disappears. And I feel like I’m being asked to leave my own house, I feel like there’s a closet going up around me, I feel like I’m in a corner that nobody knows about and that if I ever make a sound again someone will think it’s me, me Bela, me who is haunting my house. Other Mommy, I say. Where are you? But I know where she is. She’s sitting on my bed now. Just where I was sitting a second ago. And her face is wet with tears. And she needs to wipe her nose. And I think I know where I’m going. Yeah. Up ahead I can see where Other Mommy comes from now. And it’s not a closet. No. There’s so much room. And it’s not a heart. No. But maybe I’ll find a friend in there, in all that room, someone to carnation for me. Maybe. I feel like I’m in a corner of a space big enough to hold everything I’ve ever done and everything everyone’s ever said. And I don’t think there was enough room in my heart for more than Mommy and Daddo and me. This is where Other Mommy comes from. This is where she lived. And I hear my voice, someone says: Hello, I’m Bela... — and there’s room. So much room.
But it’s not a house my voice speaks into. And it’s not a home. —Michigan Autumn 2023