Eventually I got myself out of the wide bed, treating myself to a hot blast in Arthur’s en-suite shower, then cr ept downstairs, thinking about what was I going to say to Hannah. I needn’t have worried. Her clothes were still strewn across her bed, muddy trainers upside down on the carpet where they’d lain the night before. As I pulled my jeans on, she reappeared. She was pinker than ever, a coy look on her face. ‘Sorry, roomie!’ she said, giggling. ‘I got a bit distracted last night.’ Then her expression turned serious. ‘Were you worried about me? I’m sorry, Rachel, I should’ve been more thoughtful.’ Her intensity was infuriating and endearing in equal parts. How much did she really think I cared about her, forty-eight hours into our relationship? ‘I did at first, but then I figured you were probably having fun. Were you having fun?’ Hannah flopped dramatically onto my bed like a Victorian wench with a fit of the vapours. ‘Rachel, everything Amber said is coming true! I know it sounds ridiculous, but... I know you’ll understand.’ ‘Tell me,’ I said, turning towards her. I felt very old in that moment, my body still bruised and sore, the sources multiplying. ‘New me. New life. I don’t know. I just felt these incredible connections from when I first got here. You, Marco.’ Uttering his name triggered a whole new crimson bloom in her cheeks. ‘Last night was – I don’t think I’ve ever made love before, you know? Not truly.’ ‘Wow, things are moving fast,’ I said hypocritically. ‘Are they, though?’ said Hannah, dreamy. ‘We know from yesterday that time’s just an illusion. I wouldn’t be surprised if Marco and I have known each other through many, many lifetimes.’ A flash of Mum’s face in that nightmarish incarnation. It was too visceral, too real. I couldn’t stay there. ‘So, do you think it’s your diamond anniversary?’ I asked. Hannah looked put out. ‘He is a diamond, I know that. I think I had my first ever full-body orgasm last night.’ She giggled again. ‘Is it okay that I’m telling you this?’ Why was I judging her? Which of us was really the fool? ‘That’s amazing,’ I said, the hug I gave her a real one. ‘Now go and brush your teeth. You’re definitely in need of breakfast.’ ‘No Arthur today, I’m afraid,’ Amber announced to the breakfast table. ‘He’s got a family emergency.’ Was it my imagination, or was she watching for my reaction? I k ept my face deliberately neutral. Surely skiing wasn’t an emergency? Perhaps he’d lied to her. ‘This last day should be all about relaxing,’ she continued. ‘Our very own family Christmas! Board games. Country walks. Let’s give all your hard work a chance to process and embed.’ I joined in the cheers and thanks that greeted anything Amber said or did and tried to give myself over to the day. At least now I wasn’t constantly monitoring the state of play between me and Arthur. Of course I would have liked a ‘morning after’ text from him, but even if he had sent one, the terrible signal would probably have stopped it arriving. It was a useful excuse to give myself; he’d made it quite clear he wouldn’t be bothering to get in touch till after his trip. It should have told me everything – it probably did – but there was only so much truth I could handle. The day slipped by easily enough. A late breakfast morphed into lunch, and a game of Monopoly stretched into the afternoon. Around three we went for a long walk in the nearby woods, my trainers quickly turning out to be more suited to the London streets than a rural mud bath. As I scraped them against a tree, Tim caught up to me. I’d been semi avoiding him, still embarrassed about how out of
control I must have been for him to react the way he did, but now he was apologetic. ‘I’m sorry, Rachel,’ he said, winter sun illuminating the bald dome of his intelligent face. ‘I was overthinking it.’ ‘Don’t apologize,’ I said. ‘I appreciate you caring.’ ‘No, no,’ he said, frustrated. With me? With him? ‘It sounds stupid, but I’m so used to being treated like this wise guru at work. I need to learn to let go. Give myself over to spirit.’ That phrase really didn’t sound like the Tim I’d got to know these past few days. I chided myself – that was the point. He was allowing himself to be transformed. ‘Yeah, me too,’ I agreed. ‘I really need to get better at surrendering.’ ‘I don’t know about that,’ he said, ‘you did pretty well yesterday’, setting off a new wave of paranoia about what I’d been reduced to. I pushed it away, linking my arm through his. ‘So did you,’ I said, giving my muddy trainers a scrape through the thick carpet of leaves that we were standing on. The sun was getting lower, the day closing in around us like a dark cloak. I shivered. ‘Let’s ke ep moving. I’m freezing.’ ‘Come with. Please come with!’ It was the next day, and Hannah and I were packing our bags, readying ourselves to leave. We’d had a final, centring chant around the kitchen table and already said our goodbyes to Joanna and Tim. I should’ve booked my cab ages ago, but it was as if my feet were submerged in glue. ‘Don’t be crazy,’ I said. ‘It’ll be romantic, that whole long drive home. Just the two of you. Singing Christmas songs, snogging at the lights.’ Hannah giggled, flushing. ‘You’re so funny, Rachel. I’m really going to miss you.’ Her expression turned earnest. ‘Not that I’ll have to. We’re all a family now. We’ll see each other all the time, won’t we?’ ‘Of course,’ I said. The word ‘family’ made me shiver. No wonder my feet were stuck to the ground. ‘And we’re all in it together,’ added Hannah. ‘So you don’t really have a choice!’ I didn’t want to be alone, it was true, and soon I was squashed in the back of Marco’s sporty little Alfa Romeo, our piled-up luggage holding me fast. ‘Are you sure you’re okay in the back?’ said Hannah, swivelling her face around to look at me. ‘I’m fine, it’s great,’ I said, and I wasn’t lying. There was something so comforting, so childlike, about being stowed away like this. It was almost as if Marco and Hannah were my new parents. I’d clung to Amber when I’d said goodbye, suddenly overwhelmed with guilt about my secret night with Arthur. I felt like I’d abused her trust, damaged the sanctity of what she’d created. It didn’t make sense, particularly considering how open Marco and Hannah were being, but then, nothing made sense. ‘Darling girl,’ she’d said, wrapping me tightly in her arms. ‘You did so well. I know you’re hurting, but I promise we’ll ke ep unlocking you from her now.’ Her voice dropped low. ‘You’re free,’ she whispered, intimate. ‘If only you can start believing it.’ ‘Okay bellas,’ said Marco, starting the engine with an extravagant flick of the key. ‘We’re heading back to the future.’ Could I? Could I start believing it? Hannah started cheering, still high on life, and I added my own more muted round of applause. Then I tucked my knees up on the seat beneath me and looked out of the window, distracting myself with the bleak winter beauty of the countryside. It wasn’t long before the be eping began, my phone throbbing with messages as soon as signal cr ept up on us. ‘Remember, you don’t have to look if you don’t want to,’ commanded Hannah from the front, but I could only ignore the relentless alerts for so long. Besides, I wanted to know if Arthur had missed me enough to message me. Nothing from him of course, just endless messages from my family. I tried to
concentrate on the communication from Sophie, but the chain of texts from Mum was too awful to swerve. They started out sweet – We miss you, please come home xx type vibes, but then the anger started to build. We KNOW you’re with Amber. We need you to come back. This cannot continue, read one. I felt sick to my stomach – had Sophie really betrayed me like this? I yanked off her scarf, which was still wound around my neck like it had been all of Christmas, and carried on reading. How can you let me worry about you like this? If you were a mother you would never do this to me. On and on they went, blaming and angry, full of poison. There were multiple messages from Sophie too – Mum had forced it out of her, she claimed, but please could I ring home? I read the final text from Mum, even though I knew it would fell me. Your relationship with Amber is over, it said. Nothing more. ‘Sorry, guys,’ I said, the hand that was holding the phone to my ear shaking uncontrollably. ‘I have to call my sister.’ She answered on the second ring. ‘How could you tell her?’ I demanded. ‘Rachel I’m sorry, but... we’ve all been so worried. I couldn’t ke ep lying to her. You know what she’s like.’ ‘So you lied to me instead? I trusted you!’ ‘Rachel,’ she said, voice sharper than I could ever remember it. ‘We’ve all had a shitty Christmas because of this. I’m sorry I told her, but if you’d been honest with them in the first place, it wouldn’t all be such a mess.’ ‘This isn’t a fucking Christmas film, Sophie. It’s not like if I’d been honest, she’d have waved me off with a box of crackers. It’s Mum. She’s a bitch.’ I’d surprised myself with my own venom. I guess I was practising radical honesty, just like Amber counselled. I could tell Sophie – my sweet, soft little sister – was too shocked to r eply right away. ‘A bitch who’s been bankrolling you while you have some kind of self- inflicted breakdown?’ she said eventually. ‘I don’t know – why don’t you try thinking about the way you’ve been treating all of us, rather than dishing it out?’ ‘So you’re taking her side now?’ I said. ‘You’re the one who’s turned it into a competition,’ Sophie snapped. ‘You don’t understand... I’ve been protecting you,’ I pleaded. ‘Because I love you so much. But it’s not helping any of us. You need to hear the truth now.’ ‘I can’t do this again,’ she said, voice breaking, and then there was silence. She’d hung up. I sat there for a few seconds in shock, the phone still held to my ear as if she might ring back and apologize, before bursting into noisy tears. ‘Oh my God!’ wailed Hannah, gesturing to Marco to pull the car over. ‘Your family are so horrible to you.’ Soon she’d wedged herself alongside me in the back, luggage piled so high around us that Marco could barely see to drive, staying there with me most of the way home. ‘This is why we need each other,’ she said solemnly. ‘We have to be each other’s mirrors, the way Amber is for all of us.’ I let my head rest against her broad bulk, the odd sob erupting unbidden. Hannah stroked my hair, made soothing noises: it was a reversal of roles that the superior version of me from Christmas Eve would never have believed possible. Eventually I let myself feel safe enough to fall asle ep, leaning heavily against her, the real world temporarily blotted out. It was gone nine by the time Marco pulled his car to a stop outside my flat. I looked up with tr epidation, jealous of the fact that the two of them would be curled up like one life form as they came down from the intensity of the workshop. But then tr epidation gave way to something far worse. There was a light
burning brightly in my living room. Someone was waiting for me to come home.