Hannah and Marco insisted on coming upstairs with me. ‘What if it’s burglars?’ said Hannah, but I
knew it wouldn’t be. Was an emotional terrorist better or worse than someone rifling through my
unimpressive collection of high-street jewellery? I led them up the two flights of stairs and turned the
key, an embarrassing whiff of kitchen bin invading my nostrils as soon as I opened the door. It was the
least of my problems.
Mum was standing there, shoulders squared for a fight. ‘How dare you just let yourself in?’ I was
screaming at her, right from the off. ‘How have you even got a key?’ Hannah st epped forward
protectively, my familiar. ‘When your daughter’s a drug addict you have to make provisions for the
worst,’ she said, deliberately calm. She looked at Hannah – her straggly hair pulled back from her pink
face with a rubber band, her days-old tracksuit bottoms crumpled and stained – with utter contempt.
‘I’m not a drug addict!’ I said. ‘I haven’t even had a drink for nine weeks.’ ‘The fact you’re counting
says everything, darling.’ She took in both Hannah and Marco now. ‘I don’t know who you both are – I
suspect other unfortunate acolytes of Amber Greville. This is a family matter now. I need you both to
leave.’ Marco was looking a bit unnerved by the whole situation, body turning towards the door, but
Hannah was blazing with loyal outrage.
‘We’re her family now!’ she shouted. ‘Not you. And we’re not leaving. We know all about you, and
your horrible behaviour towards Rachel. You don’t deserve such a wonderful daughter.’ Mum’s eyes
flashed with something dangerous, her jaw rigid with fury. There was no good option here. I put a hand
on Hannah’s arm.
‘Thank you – let me deal with this. You don’t need to protect me.’ Her eyes were beseeching. ‘Are you
sure? Are you sure you want us to go and leave you with...’ – she looked over at Mum, who returned
her gaze through narrowed eyes – ‘... this witch?’ I could tell Hannah was enjoying this, in a strange
kind of a way. She was like a superhero at the height of her powers, all her intensity brought into
glorious focus. She didn’t need Mum destroying her warm righteousness; I wanted her to have her
moment. I nodded, hugging her tightly, her sweet, sweaty smell comforting by now.
I felt so weary. ‘Good decision,’ said Mum as the door closed on Marco and Hannah. I looked at her in
disbelief. ‘Decision? You really do live in your own fantasy world, don’t you?’ Mum had been standing,
but now she sank down on to the sofa, covering her eyes with her hand. The pull was so strong – to fling
myself down beside her, to try to fix her unhappiness. I forced myself to stay upright, looking down at
the slivers of grey that poked through her honeyed highlights. She was older now.
She wasn’t invincible. I couldn’t decide if it made me feel stronger or more scared. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said,
a sob choking the words. ‘I didn’t think you’d be like this. I thought by now you’d understand how
much you’re hurting all of us.’ I backed away from her and leant against the wall, the acrid stink of the
week- old bin making the atmosphere even more toxic than it already was.
‘But, Mum, you’ve hurt me so much,’ I said. ‘I’m only just starting to realize how much everything that
happened back then destroyed my self-esteem.’ Real agony, not pantomime pain, registered in her face,
but then it turned flinty. That was her dance move – her two-st ep – I realized, with blinding clarity. If
only clarity offered the instant relief that the word seemed to promise it would.
‘Started to realize?’ she hissed, sitting up straight. ‘And why the sudden epiphany? We both know the
answer – Amber. Dripping poison in your ear. Stealing you away from me.’ I was shaking now, barely
able to string a chain of words together. ‘She’s saved me, Mum! I was pretty much killing myself, and
now...’ An anxious kind of euphoria rose up in me, almost as if I was still lying spreadeagled on that
couch, surrounded by my fellow warriors. ‘Now I’m starting a whole new life.’ The image of Mum in
her robes swum up inside me, and I nearly blurted the story out, but I managed to ke ep it inside. ‘I’m a
different person now.’
‘Some days I blame myself,’ she continued, ranting as if she hadn’t even heard me. ‘I’m the one who
brought her into your life. And no one even really knows who she is. No real information on her
website.’ She was ticking off Amber’s crimes with her fingers. ‘She’s not registered as a therapist with
the BACP – I checked. She’s nothing but a charismatic fraud who’s destroying my daughter’s sanity.’
She stared at me. ‘I was desperate when I called her, Rachel. You’d made me desperate.’
This was awful. I had to make her see sense – I couldn’t afford for her to stop paying for my sessions,
not with that credit card bill breathing down my neck and rent due in five days. I forced softness into my
tone. ‘Mum, I’m so much better for seeing her – I am grateful to you. I feel wise; I feel grounded. I’ve
actually got a new boyfriend.’ She visibly flinched at that: the sight of her instinctive reaction made
shame flood my entire body. That was how radioactive I was when it came to men. No wonder Arthur
hadn’t even bothered to text.
‘Rachel, you’re in no fit state to start another affair.’ ‘It’s not an affair! He’s available. He’s great, he’s
a...’ What was Arthur, really? Certainly not my boyfriend, and ‘reiki practitioner’ would send her sky
high. ‘He’s a filmmaker,’ I said randomly. Most men in West London claimed they were Scorsese,
cruelly undiscovered. ‘He’s really successful. You’d like him.’
‘Did you meet him on this transformational retreat?’ ‘Yes, but...’ Why was I so in capable of lying to
her face? Time squashed flat and I was a child again.
‘Right,’ she said, that contemptuous sneer back on her face. She looked out of the window, as if she had
to find a distraction to prevent herself from telling me the hard truth about how unlovable I was. How
only she could love me, doomed by biology to take me on. ‘Oh right, so you’re the expert on
relationships, are you?’ I said, a dangerous amount of rage coursing through my veins. I was still
wearing my coat, and I flung it on the ground. ‘You know what I’ve learnt – what Amber’s made me see
– is that you and Dad are the whole reason I’m so fucked! You let him cheat on you in our house, and
when I found out, you fucking gaslighted me, like I was the problem! No wonder I’ve gone for men who
confirmed all my worst fears about how unlovable I am. It’s textbook – and you’re the one who taught
me all my lessons.’
Mum stood up, her ivory skin splashed red. Her finger jabbed at me. ‘You have no idea what I’ve
sacrificed to ke ep this family together.’ ‘Yes, I do! You ignored him fucking the nanny. And probably,
like, a thousand assistants. Well done. You’re a hero.’ She wouldn’t meet my gaze, staring blankly out
of the window, even though there was nothing to see but the sodium glow of a streetlight.
‘You’re not the queen!’ I continued, on a roll now. ‘No one cares if you’re divorced. You’re a grown
woman with a career. You’ve chosen to stay in that marriage, and it’s not just you that’s paid for it.’
‘No, it’s not that,’ she said, her voice low and quiet. It was disturbing. ‘I did everything I could to
protect you. A mother’s love. You can’t understand it, but you have to trust me.’
When I look back now, I curse myself for not pushing harder on that door, but perhaps on some level I
knew I was too fragile to let it swing open just yet. ‘So, you admit it?’ I shouted. ‘Just admit you knew
about him and Esther all along. And she’s back now? What the fuck is that about?’ Her calm was
starting to infuriate me. ‘Marriage is hard, Rachel. Hopefully one day you’ll have the chance to find that
out firsthand.’
There it was, her sugar-coated spite. Rage charged through me like a power surge. Why couldn’t she tell
me she was sorry? Why did she have to ke ep hurting
me instead, making herself into the heroine of her own twisted narrative? And how many lifetimes had I
let her abuse me? I was free now. Amber had shown me the road out. ‘Just go, okay?’ I said. ‘Just leave.
Get out of my house.’ ‘You don’t mean that, darling,’ she said, st epping towards me. ‘I love you!’ I
st epped backwards, putting my hands up to protect myself as if she was poised to strike.
‘I do. I really do. This – this is toxic. You’re toxic for me.’ She stopped in her tracks, face hardening,
eyeing me like I was prey. A camera flash: those same eyes in the mirror, the silver-backed brush
shaking in my hand, running through her hair. I almost screamed. ‘I went to see her recently. Amber.’
Mum’s mouth curled into a smile, like she was enjoying my distress. ‘She clearly thinks you’re a total
mess.’
‘She cares about me,’ I said, my voice shaking. ‘She loves me!’ She gave a humourless laugh. ‘No,
darling, she cares about the money. And there won’t be any more of that coming her way. Not from us,
anyway. The Bank of Mum and Dad is shutting up shop. After all, you’ll be middle-aged soon. It’s
about time you learnt to stand on your own two feet.’ ‘I’m thirty-one!’
She shrugged on the elegant berry-coloured coat which she’d left slung on the sofa like it was her own
home, belting it decisively. ‘You let me know when you’re ready to talk. When you’re ready to acc ept
some responsibility for your behaviour. And call your sister if you care about her at all. She’s in pieces.’
‘Mum... I need her.’ Why had I let my rage get the better of me? I was pleading now, snot and tears
streaming down my face – it was gross. ‘I need Amber. To stay well.’
‘Amber’s certainly going to be hearing from us, but not via any more bank transfers,’ said Mum, that
cold smile still dancing across her face. ‘She’s the one that’s toxic, Rachel. And trust me, I’ll do
whatever I have to do to make you see that for yourself.’
A few seconds later, I heard the door click shut. I sunk to the ground, my back against the sofa, too
emptied out even to cry. A thin stream of cold air snuck through the rickety, rental windows, but I
couldn’t find the juice to go and get a jumper from my bedroom. Eventually my phone be eped, and I
grabbed for it. It was, of course, Hannah. Your mum is HORRIBLE, she wrote. Are you okay? I could
come back?? xxx I stared at the bright square of the screen, then typed a message back.
Don’t worry, I survived! I think you must’ve scared her into submission xxx I could almost see
Hannah’s round face lighting up, the pride she’d feel at how she’d protected me. But how could anyone
protect me from her if she’d stalked me through centuries? I dropped the phone, sunk to my knees, and
howled into the empty darkness.