It was four in the morning by the time I fell into a sweaty, nightmare-ridden sle ep, the alarm simply part of the hideous dreams cape. I punched it off, waking again at ten, and sitting bolt upright in horror. It was my first day back at work, and I was in my pyjamas mid-morning like a student. I took the world’s briefest shower, threw on a skirt with a crumpled shirt over the top from the bottom of the wash basket, and raced for the tube. No one was in our section when I walked in, and I fantasized for one glorious moment that I had the day wrong, could turn around and go back to bed. But then I saw through the glass into the conference room. Heads were bowed, papers strewn across the table. Duncan looked up and saw me, his familiar look of disappointment r eplaced by something more worrying. Was it resignation? I half sprinted across the floor, my chest so tight I could barely breathe. ‘Sorry, sorry,’ I said. There was no chair for me, and I had to wheel one in, everyone stopping what they were doing to watch me, sweaty and stressed. Julia at least smiled at me, but it felt guarded, like she didn’t want to damage her own r eputation by coming out as my friend. ‘Sorry again,’ I said, once I was sitting in the circle. ‘I had a family emergency. What have I missed?’ ‘The chance to hit the ground running?’ said Duncan. I smiled pleadingly, trying to find that relentless kindness that normally undid any of his attempts to exert authority. ‘I’m running now, Duncan!’ ‘We can all see that,’ he said coldly. My shirt was untucked from my waistband, my cheeks scarlet. I wanted to die. ‘As we agreed before the break, we’re spending this first morning reviewing our ongoing projects. Why don’t you take us through the state of play with the sites you’re overseeing?’ He was right, we’d all been told about this on our last day in the office, when he was full of praise and enthusiasm, even with me. Especially with me – I knew he’d been relieved by how more visibly stable I’d been. How had I totally failed to remember? ‘But I haven’t... I haven’t printed off any notes.’ I looked around at the flurry of documents splayed across the table: everyone else had meticulously pr epared. ‘Well then we’ll just have to settle for broad brushstrokes,’ said this new, authoritarian version of Duncan that I barely recognized. Everyone turned to look at me as I made a stammering start. ‘Letchworth is...’ A flash of Mum’s face, the cold curl of her lips as she told me how determined she was to destroy my relationship with Amber. ‘Letchworth is progressing well now.’ My voice was swooping and diving. It was the other version of her I could see now, the cruel, ancient one. My hands were shaking, and I held one steady with the other under the table. ‘If everything goes according to plan, tenants should be able to start moving in in March. No – April.’ ‘And how do the projected costs look against budget, considering there’s been a delay?’ asked Duncan. ‘Um, they’re quite steady.’ ‘What do you mean by steady? Steady as in there’s already an overspend, but it’s not rising, or that the costs have been contained?’ This was like some kind of horrific courtroom cross-examination. My face got even redder, my eyes trained on the table. ‘Yes, there is an overspend...’ I trailed off. Sophie’s fury with me, a fury I’d never heard in my life, before the phone clicked to silence. When I managed to speak, the words felt thick in my throat. ‘But it’s not out of control.’ ‘What does that even mean, in concrete terms?’ demanded Duncan. ‘I’d need...’ I took a gulp of air. ‘I’d really need my notes to be able to answer that accurately, Duncan. Can I go and
print—’ ‘No,’ he said, cutting across me. ‘We don’t have time to wait for you. You’ll have to r eport to me individually later today.’ ‘It’ll only take two minutes,’ I begged. ‘You’re done, Rachel,’ said Duncan, already looking to Jim, who worked in procurement, and was practically straining out of his seat with readiness. You’re done. I sat on the closed seat of the loo, my head leaning against the cool surface of the door. I was dizzy with distress, the anxiety so extreme I couldn’t even cry. I wanted to call Amber, but I was scared to. What could I say? I’m desperate to see you, but I’m so broke that I’m buying toilet roll with a credit card. Of course she was part of the reason for that, but I couldn’t ever say it. The fact she’d let me spend Christmas with her, had helped me so much, was such a privilege. My phone seemed to taunt me. The person I most wanted to call – Sophie – would have all her worst assumptions confirmed by the state I was in. How could I call my ‘normal’ friends and tell them my mum had haunted me through the ages, plotting my destruction? Besides, they’d only suggest drinking through the trauma, and I couldn’t risk trying to socialize with only a Diet Coke to prop me up. I nearly called Hannah, but I’d told her I was okay, and there was no way that would be a five-minute call. I had to return to my desk before Duncan got back on the warpath. I don’t know what twisted logic allowed me to think messaging Arthur was the answer, but I suppose that was my sickness. Ugh, I wrote, back to work and all I want is to be cocooned with all of you in de epest darkest Devon. Hope you’re having fun on the slopes! Oh, the painful, jaunty exclamation mark, a transparent stand in for a kiss. It made me cringe as soon as I’d sent it, along with the knowledge that I was now dangling from a noose of my own making until he r eplied. At least the fact that I had to get back to my desk meant I couldn’t simply sit there watching my phone, hating myself until he gave me cause not to. Julia was staring determinedly at her monitor as I crossed the office, taking a second too long to look up as I slipped into my seat. At least I’d tucked in my shirt and slapped on a layer of tinted moisturizer. ‘How was Christmas?’ she asked, painfully cheerful. I thought of Arthur, pressed down on top of me. The bulk of him. Addictive. Obliterating. ‘Eventful,’ I said. ‘I was away with friends.’ ‘Right,’ she said, looking at me a little too hard. She clearly thought I’d spent a week caning drugs and drinking before crawling back to work on a monumental come-down. ‘You’re so glamorous, Rachel. Fred and I are just boring, middle-aged old farts compared to you, and we’re like, what, two years younger than you?’ It wasn’t even January. Another year of this stretched out in front of me like a life sentence. ‘It was Devon, not the Bahamas,’ I said, swivelling around to switch on my computer. ‘And it was pretty small and intimate. I’m seeing someone, so...’ Why did I ke ep doing this? Was I willing it to be true – for my phone to give that reassuring chirrup that would restore my self-esteem at a stroke? Julia clapped her hands like it was her third birthday and it was time to blow out the candles. ‘Oh, Rachel, that’s so exciting! What’s his name? Who is he?’ I gave a garbled response – Arthur was a doctor this time, a devoted father with an impressively civilized divorce – already regretting my haphazard lie. Julia was rapt. ‘I’ve got news, too!’ she said, when I’d run out of imaginary heroics. ‘Hobo’s going to have a sibling!’ ‘What, you’re adopting another dog?’
‘No,’ said Julia, with a twee little giggle. ‘I’m only ten weeks in, so I’m not really meant to tell anyone, but considering how much I’ve been throwing up, there’s no point hiding it from my desk buddy.’ ‘Oh wow, congratulations!’ I said, struggling to make my voice match up with the sentiment. It was stupid how crushed I felt. Maybe Mum was right about me; maybe she was being cruel to be kind. I would be forty before I knew it, with nothing but a debt mountain and an imaginary boyfriend to show for it. I had to call Amber. I had to see her and get back some of that pioneer spirit that had surged through me when I’d been with the others, all of us brave outliers. Now I was stranded in the fish tank of my normal life, comparison sending me insane. Perhaps she’d let me pay by credit card? As I stood up, phone stuck in my sleeve, I spotted Duncan striding towards our bank of desks. ‘Rachel, can we talk in my office?’ This didn’t feel like a promotion. The picture of Hayley and the twins on Duncan’s desk wasn’t angled outwards – he wasn’t the kind of person to use his family as a status symbol, a reminder of how much he was winning at life. Instead it was turned towards him, next to his ancient, standard-issue computer – something that he glanced at almost unconsciously for comfort, to remind himself of who he was, outside of being a cog in the wheel of government. His soft brown eyes were darting towards it now: it made it inconveniently hard to hate him. ‘The thing is, I’ve protected you, Rachel. I know you don’t even understand it – and in a way I blame myself for being underhand...’ God, he sounded like Mum. I was like some kind of stealth missile, making people self-implode. I clenched my fists as tightly as I could, trying to force myself not to well up. ‘But I’ve always known how bright you were, ever since you joined the team. I’ve always wanted to ke ep you.’ ‘I want you to ke ep me...’ How was this the straw that broke the camel’s back? ‘But your frequent absences, the lack of doctors’ notes – it’s been flagged by HR before. Lydia pushed me to give you a formal warning last S eptember. And then you were hospitalized the next month.’ He stared at me intently now. ‘It’s not as if we haven’t privately asked questions about your... your lifestyle, Rachel.’ I smoothed down my shirt, tucked it into my waistband yet again. ‘Duncan, I haven’t had a drink since October.’ His face shifted. Too much truth. ‘I mean, it’s not like I ever had a problem,’ I added quickly, ‘but I’ve been on a serious lifestyle audit ever since I was hospitalized. I’ve tried to show you how committed I am.’ Duncan nodded. ‘And your mother explained very clearly about the gastroenteritis.’ She saved me. He would have been no match for that smooth patter of hers: my mum could rent a flea pit in Acton for double its value without breaking a sweat. ‘And after a few weeks, you’re right. You did seem quite transformed.’ The word was like nectar. ‘I was,’ I said, filled with a sudden surge of love for Amber. ‘I was transformed. Which is why I can’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about me being late today. I’m sorry, Duncan, I really am. I don’t know how to apologize any more than I already have.’ His jaw was rigid beneath his pallid winter skin, his eyes flashing with anger. ‘This is where I have serious worries about you. How do you not see the problem?’ My heart was racing now. Thinking of Amber had loosened me up, made me too authentic. It was almost as if part of me was still in Devon, the edges between all of us blurred and soft. The sharp corners of London life were cutting way too de eply. ‘I... I do see...’ Duncan cut across me. ‘To turn up for a cross-d epartmental audit almost two hours late, utterly unpr epared, without any kind of attempt to message your line manager or your colleagues. On day one back in the office!’ He thrust a frustrated hand through his wiry, dark curls like he wanted to
yank them out at the roots. ‘It’s beyond belief,’ he said. He slumped backwards in his chair while I desperately scrabbled around for something – anything – to make things better. It was completely impossible to tell if radical honesty or radical dishonesty was the best route out of this. ‘I’ve had some very serious problems with my family over the break...’ Duncan looked baffled. ‘What, with your parents?’ God, I sounded so juvenile. That was still what ‘family’ meant to me – it was almost as if some part of me was still that thirteen-year-old girl, sobbing in Starbucks on the Uxbridge Road in my navy uniform, skirt shortened above regulation length with a sneaky row of safety pins. I had to ke ep breaking free of them. I couldn’t afford to lose this job. ‘My mother’s got some mental health issues that we’ve been grappling with.’ It felt true as I said it. The problem was he’d been on the receiving end of Mum’s silken authority so recently. I had to ke ep going now. ‘It all came to a head last night. I was up until God knows when dealing with it, and – I know it’s no excuse, but I wanted to be honest. I will do better.’ My voice was cracking now. I had so little left that I could lose. ‘I promise you that.’ Duncan stared into space for a long minute before his gaze came back to rest on me. ‘I’m sorry things have been difficult, I really am. But all of us have personal stresses to deal with. I’m not going to take drastic st eps, but I am registering today as a formal warning. HR will be in touch to confirm it in writing. I have to warn you that if we reach this point again, your role here will become untenable. I hope for both of our sakes it has the desired effect.’ ‘Thank you, Duncan,’ I stammered, pushing my chair back abruptly and getting to my feet on shaking legs. I backed out of his office as fast as those wobbling splints could carry me. The day was a con merchant – the sky cobalt blue and bright, the wind so vicious it could slice a layer off your skin. It was lunchtime, so I could finally risk leaving my desk without setting Duncan off again. Formal warning. The words k ept reverberating through me, impossible to quiet. I’d supposedly gone in search of a sandwich, but really I’d gone in search of Amber. The Westminster streets were p eppered with grumpy workers on their first day back, resenting the fact they’d swapped their midday pyjamas for uncomfortable suits. I battled my way through them towards Pret, trying to compose my opening gambit. I can’t come tomorrow? Please can I come tomorrow? I’m so desperate that I have to come tomorrow, but even that kind sucker at Barclaycard has given up on me? I thought she’d be in a session, but she picked up on the second ring. She has to eat lunch too, I thought, gratitude and tr epidation flooding me. ‘Hi, darling,’ she said, warm and kind. ‘How are you surviving the real world?’ That was it. I pushed my way out of the crowd and leant against a wall, the last twenty-four hours spilling out of me in a painful torrent. How determined Mum was to destroy our relationship, even though it was the most precious thing I had. How appalled my family, and my boss, were with me. How fragile and yet how alive I felt – thanks to her – and how hard it had made it to slide back into the grey, hollow routines of the ‘normal’ life I was supposed to want. I’d obviously forgotten about the dank cold of my shared bedroom by then. In my memory, it felt like the Ritz. ‘My love...’ said Amber. ‘Sometimes things have to burn to the ground before they can be rebuilt. It’s never easy.’ I looked up into the infinite blue, searching for the right words for what I needed to ask her. Normally I had a trick – a back route to get around any situation that I knew the other person wouldn’t have a map for – but there was no fooling Amber.
‘Amber, I don’t think I can come this week. I’ve got like, eighty-two pounds left of my overdraft limit.’ The pause felt infinite. ‘Mum means what she said,’ I added. I started crying, ducking my wet face against the loop of Sophie’s scarf and ignoring the nosy stares that I was getting from the stream of passers-by. ‘I need you, but she doesn’t care. She only cares about herself.’ Amber exhaled. ‘I’m so glad that you said that. I’m so proud that you’re at the point where you can acknowledge the truth of the relationship.’ My stomach dropped. Did she mean that her work was done? ‘Thanks...’ I said nervously. ‘Just come along tomorrow as planned,’ she said. My knees buckled, and I leant more heavily against the wall for support. ‘I’m not going to abandon you, Rachel,’ she continued. ‘Don’t worry. You’re safe now. You know that, don’t you, darling?’ My heart was pounding with relief. Safe now. She’d saved me. ‘Thank you. Thank you so much,’ I said. I thought of Mum’s smug face. She only cares about the money. She knew nothing about who Amber really was. What we meant to each other. I was gabbling now. ‘I’ll pay you back. I promise you, I’ll pay you back!’ ‘I know you will,’ she said crisply. I liked the way the words sounded in her mouth. It was definitive, like she believed me, not like I was some overgrown child that she had to indulge. She certainly did believe me. I just didn’t know why yet.