‘You’ve always had a plan, haven’t you?’ I said, trying to drain the rage out of my voice. I couldn’t risk
unleashing it just yet. ‘All of this – all of this care you had for me – was just about tearing our family
apart.’ Amber shook her head. ‘You didn’t need me to do that. Your family was in freefall without my
help. Do you remember where you were at when I arrived?
Scraped off the pavement, your stomach pumped.’ ‘Are you seriously still asking me to be grateful?’ ‘I
dragged you back onto your feet, Rachel,’ said Amber, a smile that felt real playing across her face. ‘I
couldn’t let your mother destroy another life. Not on my watch.’ My brain was starting to focus now,
working out the st eps she must have taken. There was a time when Esther was buried de ep in the heart
of our family, in every sense. She’d been the one to care for Sophie day to day, to ke ep mine and Josh’s
schedules faithfully recorded on the calendar in the kitchen, all while Mum was cementing the business
she was so proud of and ignoring Dad’s bad behaviour. Esther would have walked away with a roadmap
to our lives, one she could have handed over to her own mother when the time came to exact revenge.
‘You need to reach for your inner wisdom,’ crooned Amber, ‘your inner knowing, not just your
knee-jerk response.’ ‘What does that even mean?’ I said, willing my clarity to stay in place even as she
told me riddles. ‘I’ve let you see who your parents really are. Your dad groomed my daughter, your
mum finished off the job. You’d have killed yourself eventually, Rachel, I promise you that.’
I shuddered at the potential truth of that and saw her tiny nod of satisfaction at the sight. Her power over
me, over all of us, meant everything to her.
‘You’re the sensitive one, Rachel. The one who demands honesty. Acting out your family’s dirty
secrets, poisoning yourself to make sure their poison was visible.’ I shook my head. ‘What, so you’re
trying to say you did all this for me? My life’s been destroyed by you...’ ‘So you’d like to turn back the
clock, would you?’ said Amber scathingly. ‘Your mother...’ – she spat out the word – ‘... gaslighted
you, her own daughter, and made you think you were making up stories, destroying your perfect family.
It’s no wonder you’ve had no self-confidence, no way to believe in love. You’ve spent your whole life
thinking you can’t trust yourself because she told you that, and now you’ve made it true. You’re barely
holding on to your job; you’re still one st ep away from a drink or a line. I’m the only one protecting you
from yourself.’ Her words were like bullets: I couldn’t hold her at arm’s length anymore. ‘I’m trying!’ I
sobbed. ‘I’ve tried so hard!’
‘You still need me to survive, Rachel,’ she said, her voice a caress. ‘The world’s too much for you.
They’re too much for you.’ ‘All you’ve done is lie to me. Manipulate me,’ I said, choked by my tears. ‘I
don’t want you anywhere near me.’ ‘Yes, you do,’ she r eplied softly. ‘You know you do. Look how
much the truth hurts you. It’s not just me and Esther who deserve revenge.’
I looked over at her – at her sly, foxlike face. ‘What are you trying to say?’ She paused a second,
weighing her words. ‘Your dad’s got away with a lot, hasn’t he? Thriving business, huge sums of
money running through it with those property deals.’ ‘And?’ ‘He’s got a massive deal going through
next week. Esther’s been helping with the paperwork.’ ‘I don’t know anything about it.’
Amber stared at me, almost beseechingly. ‘Think how powerful the retreat was, Rachel.’ I stared at her
in disbelief, my jaw tight with rage.
‘Amber, you have to answer my question about the drugs; you can’t just ignore me...’ I started, but she
held up an imperious hand, her words drowning out mine. I hated myself for the way I was still letting
her exert control. Shock and exhaustion made it so hard to fight her. ‘Sure, you’ve got mixed feelings
about the experience – about how you were taken to the edge – but that’s because you’re still processing
the healing. You made an incredible breakthrough. Every single one of you did.’
She was too cunning to ever admit it to me. ‘That retreat battered me,’ I said, almost shouting, but she
interrupted again. ‘You might think that right now – when you’re busy hating me – but when the dust
settles, you’ll see it differently. You made lifelong friends there, other people apart from me who’ll
support your healing. Who’ll treasure you. We really are a family, Rachel.’ Her voice was honey. ‘And
you of all people need a family.’
I started to cry again, fat tears running down my cheeks as I felt the chasm between me and Sophie. The
trauma of what had likely been done to me within my new ‘family’. Her face was alight now. ‘And if I
had the resources, I could do much, much more of that work. I could help so many people. I could have
Esther beside me: it might finally give her the chance to heal from what your family did to her.’
I curled in on myself, letting her words wash over me. ‘You worked for him, all the way through
university,’ she said. ‘He probably doesn’t even realize, but you’re still a signatory on the client
account.’ She was like a cancer that had run rampant through the body of our family, no part of our lives
left unscathed. ‘When that money lands, you have the authority to divert it before anyone notices. The
deal closes on a Friday. I told Esther what to do, and she made sure of it. The weekend is the perfect
cover. I can set up an account and we just send the money to it.’
‘I could never do that...’ She cut across me. ‘All of your suffering could be over, Rachel. You could
leave the country, start a new life. No more debts and formal warnings, no more pointless battles with
your selfish, narcissistic parents. You could finally be your own person.’
It was strange and unexpected, the tremor of freedom that I felt as I listened to those words. ‘Why are
you even telling me this?’ I demanded. ‘Why are you risking it? I could just go to the police.’ Amber
looked unconcerned. ‘I don’t think they’d believe you. Of course, I’d never do this, but I could just tell
them you’ve been weaving these fantasies for weeks. I’m very convincing when I need to be. With the
complaint on your records, they might even charge you with wasting police time.’
‘How can you threaten me like that?’ ‘I told you, I’d never do it,’ she insisted. ‘I love you, Rachel.
You’re so much more than a client; you’re like my own flesh and blood. You’ve suffered the same way
my own beautiful girl has. This way I can scoop you both up, rescue you together.’ I studied her face, its
planes and contours, so familiar to me now. I really could see love – or at least her version of love –
shining out of her blue eyes.
I stood up abruptly. ‘I need to think,’ I told her. ‘I have to think about all of this.’ I stopped. Despite
everything she’d done, I had to try to atone this one last time. ‘I’m sorry – I’m so, so sorry – for what
happened to Esther. For what my family did to yours.’ Amber’s eyes blazed. ‘They’re just words
though, Rachel. You’ve got a chance to actually do something. To put some healing out into the
universe, to make amends.’
‘But—’ She cut across me yet again, her words like a speech she was giving on the world stage. She
was addressing the UN, delivering her TED Talk. ‘Think of all the other Esthers – young girls abused
by powerful men while the world turns a blind eye.’ Her eyes bored into me. ‘Do it for all of them. Do it
for you, because you’re one of them too. This money could do so much good.’
As my gaze locked with hers, it felt as if time had frozen. As if every second of my life was contained
within this one. And then I turned and walked away.