Tallulah All weekend, no one called. You can know you don’t have friends. But it’s never more obvious than when something bad happens. There’s no one to call you. No one to stop by to check on you. No one to believe you. I already knew I was friendless. I should have grown used to it. But the past few weeks I hadn’t felt lonely. I’d had Nash. He was my friend. He made me feel a part of something. Like I fit in. Like this world cared if I was alive or dead. Like I was important too. That had been fleeting. Gone too soon. I wished for the millionth time I hadn’t known what it felt like. Love, friendship, acc eptance. Before I’d been clueless. It had been easier then. My books had been enough. Nash had changed it all for me. I would have to learn to make it through alone again. Every day at school with no one speaking to me. They’d whisper and point again. Didn’t matter what size I was. Being thin didn’t save me from being an outcast. When I had walked all summer and used my drive for revenge to ke ep me going, I had honestly believed that being thin would solve all my problems. How stupid was that? I hadn’t fit in then, and I didn’t now. I never would. I wish I hadn’t even tried. If I had stayed overweight, then Mr. Dace would have never noticed me. He’d never have kissed me. The school wouldn’t hate me.
Sitting in my car, I watched as others began to arrive at school. They all were excited to be here. They had groups. Friends waiting on them. And they’d all see me and blame me. I’d be the outcast. I imagined that was worse than being invisible. If only I could just be invisible again. I waited. Watched. And gave myself p ep talks that did little good. I hadn’t heard anything all weekend about what Mr. Dace was going to do. If he was going to deny it and take this to court to clear his name, which I found could be a possibility. I knew he wouldn’t be here, though. My mother had made sure I wasn’t going to face him again at school. I’d almost turned around and gone back inside the house to beg her to let me homeschool. But I knew she would let me. She would want to protect me. She wouldn’t make me face this. I had to face it. I had to stand up for myself. If I didn’t come back, they would all think I was guilty. That I had been a willing participant. St epping out of the car, I felt my hands tremble. I fisted them tightly at my sides. I wasn’t going to be that weak. I could do this. I had done nothing wrong. I straightened my shoulders. Took my backpack and put it over my shoulder, then headed for the doors. I didn’t make eye contact with those still lingering outside. I k ept walking. Held my head high. I had nothing to be ashamed of. They were looking. I could feel them. It was like time stood still, and they all turned their attention to me. My face heated. My heart raced. I k ept moving forward. They couldn’t hurt me. “SLUT!” someone yelled out. I had pr epared myself for that. It was so far from the truth it was almost funny. Almost.
I didn’t turn to see which girl had thought it was acc eptable to yell slut at someone else. I didn’t care. I continued to remind myself that I knew the truth. That was all that mattered. I knew. With a jerk of the door, I opened it and went inside. More people. More eyes. More conversations paused as they spotted me. I didn’t stop. I k ept moving. “No one wants you here, slut,” one said as I passed by. “Go home, you whore,” another called out. “Liar!” someone else called out. I did the only thing I could. I ignored it all. Until a guy I didn’t know, who had to be younger than me, st epped in my path and grinned. “I’ll fuck you on a desk if you want? Or are you just into older men?” Laughter erupted around him. I went to move around him, and he shifted to block me once more. I glared up at him this time. “Get out of my way,” I said firmly. “Aww, don’t be like that, baby. I just want a taste of what had Coach D pulling down his pants in the classroom.” I should have expected this. Rumors to grow into ridiculous lies. I went to move around him again. Once more, he made sure I couldn’t. “You don’t want her STDs,” a female voice called out. I’d heard that voice before, but I didn’t look to see who it was. The guy smirked. “She doesn’t seem that easy to me. I think she only gives it to the older guys.”
“That’s enough, dipshit,” Nash said angrily, and I turned my head this time to see him making his way through the crowd toward me. The guy’s demeanor changed. “Sorry, man. Just having some fun with the school teacher banger.” Nash was in his face then. He shoved him back hard with his good arm. “Fuck off,” he ordered. The kid swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed, then he turned and hurried down the hall. Nash look around. “Jesus, move on. Get a life,” he yelled. People began to move away. It was like magic. They all turned and began talking again. I was no longer the entertainment. All because of Nash. He had come to my rescue. He cared. “Thank you,” I said in shock that of all people it had been Nash to stand up for me. He didn’t look at me right away. His back was still to me. His shoulders tense. When he did finally move, my heart leaped. He was going to talk to me. His eyes were void of emotion. He didn’t smile or seem concerned. Nothing. He didn’t give me long to figure out what that meant. “This means nothing. Don’t read into it. I’m a nice guy. I don’t allow bullying when I see it. That’s all this was.” His words still lingered, crushing my soul and my hopes as he walked away. I didn’t watch him go. It took all my attention to ke ep from falling apart. For a moment I had let my guard down. And that easily I was broken yet again. When I could manage to move one foot in front of the other, I walked to my locker.
I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t let myself believe in love. Or even in something as simple as a friend. Those things weren’t mine to have. Getting the things I would need from my locker was mindless. I didn’t have to think to do it. I needed a distraction. Something to ease Nash’s words as they played over and over in my head. “Whore,” Pam hissed as she walked up to my locker. “I saw you. You’re a whore. You deserve all of this.” She didn’t stick around to continue. She’d said what she needed, so she hurried away. Pam was evil, yet she had friends. People who she could talk to. She was never alone. She’d never been the outcast. Why she thrived on seeing me alone and hated, I didn’t know. I’d done nothing to her. I’d done nothing to anyone. Until a few weeks ago most of them hadn’t realized I existed. Yet we’d gone to school together our entire lives. I didn’t understand that kind of cruelty. I never wished this on anyone. Not even Pam.