My teacher last year, Mr. Jeffery, says some places aren’t just those places to people. He says some places mean other things. He said: The grocery store might be someone’s safe place. So maybe they go there to buy just one or two items. Because it feels good just to be there. And the park could be someone’s place to think. Every time they go to the park, they work their problems out. A location can be a beacon to someone else, even if they’re only dots on a map to you. I think the zoo is that for Mommy and Daddo. They have long talks whenever we go to the zoo. They usually tell me to go on ahead, to go into the r eptile house on my own while they follow behind, talking. I think Mr. Jeffery would say the zoo is not just the zoo for Mommy and Daddo. You still hungry? Daddo asks me. We’re in the r eptile house now. I’m looking into the cage of a really green snake. Bright-green eyes. It looks like he was painted. She just ate, Mommy says. Yeah, Daddo says, but what’s wrong with a second breakfast? He winks and I laugh. I’m glad we’re at the zoo. It’s more than just a place to us. There’s the big guy, Daddo says. He points to the alligator behind glass but the alligator isn’t so big. There are snakes in here that are a lot taller than I am. But I go to the glass and look the alligator in the eye and I think he’s looking at me but it’s hard to tell. I can see Mommy and Daddo reflected in the glass. They’re talking close to each other’s ears like they don’t want anybody else to hear. They’re looking at me when they talk and I know they’re worried about things. Do they know she’s getting closer? I wanna see the butterflies, I say. But they don’t hear me. They’re arguing. Mommy points at me and Daddo is telling her not to get “so worked up” in the r eptile house. That only makes Mommy madder. I look the alligator in the eye. I wonder what he sees. At night. In here. Do things come out of the closets at night in the r eptile house? Things that climb over the glass and crouch next to him? Things he thinks are friends but then he isn’t so sure? Maybe the alligator doesn’t know the answer to the questions he’s asked at night either. I wanna see the butterflies, I say again. But they still don’t hear me. Mommy is talking about me being “creative” I think. Daddo is saying don’t worry. But I don’t think Daddo could pull the worry from Mommy’s eyes even if he had that screwdriver. He’s asking about last night. Asking about Marsha and Marsha’s house. Mommy starts to walk away from him. From me too.
I wanna see the butterflies! I say really loud this time. Mommy stops walking away and comes toward me. We know, she says. But they’re at the end, Daddo says. Penguins and lions first. And did you know, Bela, the order of the animals at the zoo is the same as the food chain in nature? Really? I ask. Y ep, Daddo says. The butterflies are king of the jungle. They eat all the lions. Not true! I say. Mommy and Daddo look at each other but neither laugh. I’m thinking of how Mommy told Daddo she sl ept at Marsha’s house but she told me Marsha sl ept at her brother’s. Naw, you’re right, Daddo says. But I bet butterflies are the king of something. The alligator isn’t where he was anymore. I don’t see him at all and I wonder if he’s hiding in the shadows under the branches and leaves. I wonder if he’s scared of the closet doors at night. We leave the r eptile house and pass the little monkey fountains and follow the el ephant footprints to the new place where the penguins live. Mommy and Daddo call it a “habitat.” I didn’t know the word before today. I ask Daddo to carry me even though I’m too big to be carried. He gives me a piggyback ride the rest of the way. It feels good when he carries me through the doors of the new penguin house. Like how things used to be. Before my closet doors started opening at night. But then I worry: Am I able to remember a time before the closet doors opened at night? Look, Bela. You can really see them. They’re all out today. He sets me down and I hurry to the glass. The penguins are on the ice in a little pack. Some dive into the water while some come back out. Some waddle and some don’t move at all. I look back and see Mommy and Daddo talking by the entrance. Daddo is using his hands like he does when he’s trying to be patient with something. Mommy looks like she doesn’t want to talk anymore. I bite my lip. They’re fighting again. I look back to the penguins. A big one slides into the water and I watch him get de eper until I can’t see him anymore. Hey, Bela, Daddo says. Did you know they have to thaw the penguins out of ice cubes? They’re next to me again. I love when Daddo jokes. But his jokes don’t feel real right now. I know they’re fighting. Not true, I say. I don’t lie, Daddo says. And I think to myself: this is true.
Daddo doesn’t lie. We leave the penguins and follow the path to the lions. The air is chilly. Colder now. Mommy says the animals come out when it’s colder. We walk. I think about Mr. Jeffery and how places mean different things for different people. Is our habitat, our house, a safe place for Mommy and Daddo? Hey there Russ, Ursula, Bela. Fancy meeting you three here. I recognize the voice even before I see who it is. Lois Anthony is at the zoo today too. Hey! Daddo says. Wasn’t expecting anybody else from the party to be out this early. Lois laughs. Yes, well, a bit of a headache. But I have a firm rule: no hangover of mine is going to stop me from doing what I planned to do. If hangovers broke my plans, I’d become a hermit. Daddo laughs. But Mommy doesn’t. And you, Lois says to me. How are you doing? I wonder if hangovers are contagious. Maybe you feel a little tired like your parents do? Or maybe you’re the one tiring them out? I feel good, I say. That’s good. Lois Anthony really looks at you when she looks at you. Hey, she says to Daddo, I wanted to let you know that my group meets on Fridays at— What group? Mommy asks. Well, I was talking to your husband about it at the party. What group? I wanna see the butterflies, I say That’s fine, Mommy says. Let’s do that. You wanna see some butterflies? Daddo asks Lois Anthony. King of the food chain? Mommy looks impatient. No, but thank you, Lois says. Who did you come here with? Mommy asks. I’m alone. But I have a routine, so to speak. I clear my head at the Chaps Zoo. Mr. Jeffery is a smart man. Then we’ll see you soon, Mommy says. She takes my hand. Great to see you three, Lois says. And remember: Fridays at Sneakers. We like to have a few drinks when discussing the unknown. That’s great, Mommy says. The unknown.
And we walk away. What group? Mommy asks Daddo as we walk. I don’t know, Daddo says. But did you really need to be that way with her? She said a bunch of people meet up to talk about occult stuff. Sounds cool. Seriously? Yeah. Why is that weird? Seriously? She’s interesting, Daddo says. How so? Mommy says. All that crystal and cosmic stuff. It’s interesting to me. O, come on. Why? Because it’s baloney. Is it any more baloney than anything else? We’re at the doors of the butterfly house. Yes, Mommy says. Some things are absolutely more baloney than others. Well, I don’t know, Daddo says. I think things can just be fun, in and of themselves. Like a magic show. Is a magic show baloney? These people base their lives on this stuff, Mommy says. I don’t know that. You don’t know that. The woman who works at the zoo reminds us to close the first door before opening the second. It gives you mayonnaise brain, Mommy says. Daddo laughs. Mayonnaise brain, really? It makes you mushy. It makes you believe in shit. I’m not saying there’s nothing to believe in. But the kinds of things that woman is into... it’s mayonnaise. Do you believe in ghosts? I ask Mommy. Mommy and Daddo look down at me together. Come on, Daddo says. Why, Bela? Mommy asks. Lois Anthony believes in ghosts. We wait for the first door to close behind us before opening the second one. Sounds like you guys know Lois very well, Mommy says. No, I say.
We go through the second door. We’re in the butterfly house now. A night of drinking with some far-out people sounds fun, Daddo says. Bela? Mommy says. Why don’t you walk ahead a little bit? Find something great for us to look at. I walk ahead. I can feel them arguing behind me. Hey, butterflies, I say. I see you. There are so many plants in here. And it’s hot. Daddo calls it “humid.” And there are so many butterflies, I can’t see them all. Blue ones and green ones and black ones and yellow ones and ones with spots and ones with stripes and ones so big they could cover your hand. Look there! A red one! I hurry through the big leaves. I’ve never seen a red one before. Wait! I call. The big leaves touch my hair and I try to ke ep up with the red one. And it lands! It lands right next to a blue one. On a huge green leaf. Why, hello there, I say. I’m Bela. And my parents have been arguing all day. Who are you? The red butterfly flaps its wings and I think he can see me. I think he’s looking back at me. I came all the way from my habitat to see you, I say. And my parents use the zoo to fight. The red butterfly flaps its wings and the blue one moves too. It blinks. Like an eye blinks. I smile because I don’t know what else to do. I feel hot. Hotter. It looks like an eye between the leaves. I take a st ep back because I don’t know what else to do. A blue eye. Buried in the green leaves. I think of something crouched beside the alligator. I think of the doors of the butterfly house opening like closet doors. O, no, I say. I turn around, but Mommy and Daddo are still back there, around the bend, arguing. I think of Other Mommy on the playground. I think of Marsha’s scream. I look to the blue, de ep under the green leaves and I run so fast the leaves hurt my face and the butterflies are flying everywhere crazy and I run into the woman who works at the zoo. Slow down, honey! she says. You don’t wanna scare the butterflies!
DADDO! I yell. MOMMY! And I see them, turning, hurrying toward me. Bela! She could be anywhere! I yell. Then I run through the leaves and out the door and I don’t wait for the door to shut before I open the second and I hope some of them es cape. I hope the butterflies make it out of their habitat and fly far away. I hope— Bela, what are you doing? Mommy and Daddo have caught up to me outside. Mommy is grabbing my arm hard. Bela? Urs, Daddo says. Can’t you see she’s scared? And he looks scared when he says it too. They both do. Everyone’s lost their minds, Mommy says. She walks away from us. It’s all right, Daddo says to me. She could be anywhere, I say. Who? Daddo asks. Are you talking about... But he knows who I’m talking about. Mommy turns around and comes back to us. It’s because of people like Lois Anthony that this is happening. People like Lois fucking Anthony! Urs. No, no, no, Mommy says. I don’t care how loud I am, Russ. Whatever this is? This stops now. This stops now.