They think I’m sle eping. But I don’t know if that matters to them anymore. I think they’d talk this way no matter what now. We need to be strong, Russ. Mommy says. We need to find something inside us we haven’t ever even looked for before. You remember at State when we used to sit up all night in my room? We’d talk about taking on the world like there was nothing that could stop us? We had so much nerve then. So much. God, Russ, if we could’ve bottled that. But, thing is, I think living it once, believing it once, is bottling it. I think we did bottle it and we’ve had it in us this whole time. Only, we haven’t really needed to use it. The things we thought were hard before... they weren’t. This is hard. This. I know, Daddo says. I agree. I’m with you one hundred percent. And I’m ready to do it. Tonight if we have to. We can’t go on like this. It’s unbearable. Look, we know it can be touched. Yes. He touched it. Right. And so... Daddo whispers now: ... the next time we see it, we have to go at it. Yes. They’re facing each other in two chairs near the couch. I’m on the couch. I have my eyes open a little bit. Their faces are close and a movie is on with some
Volume I think they don’t want Other Mommy to hear. How do we make sure we see it again? Daddo asks. Are you kidding? It’s the only thing we can count on right now. But like... should we... They look to me at the same time and I close my eyes tight. No, Mommy says. That’s crazy. We can’t do that. Right, Daddo says. We can’t do that. What about weapons? Mommy says. Knives, Daddo whispers. We have a lot of those. Do we need a gun? But it can look like other people. We have to be sure we don’t hurt someone else. O God... Right, Mommy says. We gotta get close. We have to be fearless. I don’t know if that’s possible, Daddo says. Think about what you always tell Bela. You tell her she’s survived everything she’s ever been afraid of. But this... This is just what she’s afraid of now. Okay, I like that, Daddo says. Then: When we used to stay up all night in your dorm, we also used to joke about having a family. And now look at us. I know.
Just saying. If that worked out, maybe this can work out too. Their faces are close together. They don’t want Other Mommy to hear. But I worry she hears everything. No matter how quiet you say it. I’m so scared, Mommy says. Yeah, same. It may have killed Frank. I know. It’s all I can think about. But it hasn’t killed us. They go silent a second. But if something happens to us? Mommy says. I close my eyes as they both turn to me. It won’t, Daddo says. It might, Mommy says. Russ, I love you. I love the way you see the world. But this is very dangerous. We need to be aware of that. In a way we’ve never been aware of it before. This isn’t like making sure she’s in sight at the mall. This isn’t parenting. This is survival, Daddo says. Yes. And that’s why it’ll work out, Daddo says. That’s why it might, Mommy says. Their foreheads are touching now, just like outside. We’re a team, Mommy says. Whether we meant for it to be like this or not. We’re a team. Yes, Daddo says. Always. Whether we asked for this or not. Yes. We can do this, Mommy says. Yes. Fuck, Mommy says. What? I can’t get it out of my head. What it looks like. How it moves. I know. Don’t think about it like that. Think about it like it’s a big animal. Think of the nature docs we’ve watched. The stronger ones don’t always win. Yes. Good. You’re right. We’re a team, Ursula. Yes.
Always. Daddo is crying a little. It’s all right, Mommy says. It’s not, Daddo says. But maybe... Their foreheads are touching and they’re crying and then they think it’s funny that they’re both crying and they both smile and wipe away each other’s tears and they laugh just a little bit. The next time we see it? Daddo asks. The next time we see it, Mommy says. No matter where it is? No matter where it is. That could be any minute, Daddo says. That could be right now, Mommy says. They look up the hall. Kami and Kamael are facing the front door. Knives, Daddo says. Knives. They kiss. When they pull apart they look to me again and I close my eyes again. We know you’re awake, Bela, Mommy says. I open my eyes. They each put a hand on my shoulders. We’re a team, Mommy says. And Daddo says, Always.