Second Chances in New Port Stephen free digital audiobook - Chapter 10

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Second Chances in New Port Stephen
CHAPTER 10


December 20


“Why did we have to come here?” Grammy Kay asked as the extended Wu family fought their way through the Auntie Anne’s–scented hellscape that was the New Port Stephen Shopping Center in December. “We could have gone to the mall up in Pine Beach. No one was ever abducted in broad daylight from the one in Pine Beach.”


“Oh, yes, I saw that one. Unsolved Mysteries,” Tian-yi said. “Did they ever find the boyfriend?”


“No, Dad, that’s why it’s unsolved.” Nick hefted Zoe higher on his hip and squinted up and down the length of the mall’s main artery, trying to determine which way Santa’s Village was. The wayfinding in this place was terrible.


“Sometimes they solve them,” Kay said with unexpected optimism. “DNA. That’s how you do it these days.”


Tian-yi made a sound of polite interest. “So she does believe in certain types of science,” he said to Nick in Hokkien, the dialect Nick had grown up speaking at home. “I suppose that’s something.” Nick’s dad and Laurie’s mom—a retired nuclear engineer and a believer in mind-altering chem trails, respectively—had had many debates about science in the past.


“Be nice, Dad. It’s the holidays,” Nick answered in kind. His Taiwanese wasn’t as good as his dad’s, but decent enough. His Mandarin would never hold a candle, though, along with the five other dialects his dad spoke that Nick had no hope of mastering. He felt a twinge of bittersweet longing in his chest. He


wished his mom were here; she’d have kept Nick’s dad in line with a single glance.


“Can we please table the case of the missing blond woman from the eighties? At least until after Christmas?” Laurie pointed to the left. “This way, I think.” She tossed a grin over her shoulder to Zoe. “Excited to see Santa, honey?”


“Yes! I’ll tell him I’ve been good this year, and he’ll ask me what I want for Christmas, and then we get a picture taken with Santa and me and you and Daddy and Grammy and Ah Gong.” She recited the day’s rundown, as Nick and Laurie had been explaining it to her for weeks.


Nick herded them all in the direction Laurie had chosen, walking under the oversized Christmas ornaments that hung ponderously from the ceiling. Crowds of holiday shoppers flowed all around them. The mall’s current soundtrack was a rendition of “Jingle Bells” that several country music stars had recorded a decade ago; Nick wasn’t sure if the song was actually twenty minutes long or if they were playing it on repeat. Either way, he wanted to duck into the sporting goods store so he could take a baseball bat to the loudspeakers. It was almost as anxiety-inducing as his dad being in the same ten-mile radius as Laurie’s mom.


Kay and Tian-yi were, to put it mildly, two very different people. They rarely interacted now that Laurie and Nick were divorced, but at least Kay was making an effort to be pleasant. Maybe it was holiday cheer. Or maybe Kay was just on her best behavior after that incident at Checker’s.


“Oh, would you look at that?” Kay scoffed as they passed a shop window displaying tween fashions. “Who would want to dress their child in something so skanky?”


Or maybe not.


They finally reached Santa’s Village, a collection of wooden cutouts painted to look like snow-dusted conifers and cottages situated between the food court and the Dillard’s department store. The line of parents and kids waiting to see Santa snaked all the way past Spencer’s Gifts, almost reaching the store where you could buy crystals and butterfly knives.


Tian-yi gave a low whistle. “Looks like a long wait.”


Zoe twisted in Nick’s grip and pointed to the small holiday-themed playground nearby, replete with cotton-batting snow among the slides and


seesaws. “Can I go play?”


Kay turned to Nick. “Why don’t you let your dad and I watch her while you two wait in line?”


Nick would have vastly preferred being the one with the fun job, but he supposed he should give the grandparents some quality time with Zoe. “Okay.” He set Zoe on her feet and watched her take Grammy’s hand, then Ah Gong’s, before walking between them to the playground. Her little shoes flashed purple with every step.


Laurie heaved a loud sigh as she and Nick joined the end of the line. “This is going fine, right? Mom’s not picking fights, at least.”


“Not unless you count her criticizing your choice of mall,” Nick said. Kay wasn’t totally off base, though. The other one was much nicer. “Why did we come to this one instead of going to Pine Beach?”


Laurie rolled her eyes. “The Santas up there are white. I wanted Zoe to get her photo taken with a Santa of Color. She deserves good representation.”


He craned his neck to get a look at the Santa sitting up on the dais that had been constructed for the occasion, gold throne and all. “Laur, the guy’s Latino.”


Laurie tossed her hands in the air. “Well, Asian Santas are mighty thin on the ground. This was the best I could do, okay?”


Deciding that this was not the hill he wanted to die on, Nick held up his hands. “Okay.” He tried to imagine getting to see a non-white Santa when he was Zoe’s age, but he couldn’t quite picture it. Maybe it would have made a positive impact? There was probably no harm in giving it a shot, at least.


He made a mental note to try to find some more picture books about East Asian women for Zoe’s growing pile of Christmas gifts. The Connie Chung board book he’d bought two years ago was falling apart at the spine.


To stave off boredom, Nick let his thoughts wander to Eli. A few days had passed since their night swim, and Nick had practiced extreme self-control in not reaching out to Eli. Eli, though, had texted him a photo of Mr. Ward napping on the sofa in their family room, mouth open and eyeglasses askew on his nose. Nick had replied with what he thought was a very friendly crying-laughing emoji that hopefully didn’t indicate any one-sided feelings whatsoever.


“After this, do you want to get Chick-fil-A for lunch?” Laurie asked.


Instead of answering, Nick asked, “Hey, do you think I might be gay?”


Laurie’s brows rose until they were hidden under her bangs. Her mouth opened and shut a few times before she said, “Do I think you’re what now?”


“Gay. Or, like, some flavor of queer.” Nick glanced around, but everyone else in line was focused on managing their fussy children or beating the next level of Candy Crush. No one was paying attention to their conversation. “Did that ever cross your mind? Just curious.”


She dropped her gaze and furrowed her brow. That was her serious face. “No, I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”


“You probably know me better than anyone.” With the exception of maybe Eli, who’d known him since before they could even remember. “Wondered if you had a take on it.”


Laurie nodded a few more times, then stood on tiptoe to watch Zoe climbing over a gingerbread playset, Kay and Tian-yi both taking pictures with their phones. It was good that they both had the excuse of watching her. Eye contact during a conversation like this was not easy. “Is this about Eli?” she asked. Her voice was carefully modulated, the way it had been in couples counseling. Stripped of even the barest hint of judgment.


“How’d you know?”


“Doesn’t take a detective. He’s the only new thing to come into your life in a while. Well, come back into your life, I guess. And you told me when we started dating that you only had one other serious relationship and it was in high school, so I connected the dots. He’s your ex, right?”


“Got it in one.” He was kind of impressed that Laurie hadn’t said “exgirlfriend.”


“Have you talked to Eli about this?” Laurie asked.


“Nah. Not really. Don’t know if it’s a good idea,” Nick said. No way was he telling her about the failed kiss. Some things you just couldn’t tell your ex-wife, no matter how close you were. He felt something brush his fingers, and he looked down to find Laurie’s hand slipping into his. That was a surprise. They hadn’t been very touchy-feely since the divorce. Hugs hello and goodbye sometimes, but nothing else.


She squeezed his fingers, and their eyes met. “I wouldn’t care if you’re gay,” she said.


He knew that. He wouldn’t have even broached the subject with Laurie if he hadn’t been sure she was cool. Hell, he would never have married her. But still, hearing her say it out loud made him feel warm inside.


“Thanks, Laur.” He squeezed back. “But I don’t know if I am, honestly.”


Her hand slipped out of his. “How can you be so calm about this?” she asked. “Most guys in this situation would be panicking.”


“Guess I’m not most guys,” he said.


Laurie made a gesture Nick privately called her “what the fuck?” move, twisting at her waist with her hands palm up like she was asking some unseen audience to weigh in. “That’s it? You like a guy for the first time and you’re like ‘oh well’?”


“I’ve liked him before.”


“Yeah, when he was a woman. That doesn’t count.”


“I think it does.” He frowned. “And I don’t think he was ever a woman, actually. We just didn’t know it at the time.”


“Okay, yes, my bad. But here you are, twenty-some years later, and you’re not freaking out at all about this new development where you might be kind of gay?”


Nick thought about it carefully before answering. “There is a little—I guess you’d call it an indignant feeling? Like, I’m almost forty. Why am I only now realizing that I might not be straight? Which makes me wonder, maybe it’s nothing. If it were something, wouldn’t I have figured it out years ago? Then again, look at Eli. He didn’t come out until he was in his thirties. So maybe it’s not that weird.” He took another step forward as the line moved, gently guiding Laurie by the elbow so she wasn’t holding anyone up. “To be honest? I’m fine with not knowing for sure for right now. Either way, nothing changes, right? I’m still the same person with the same life.” And the same completely platonic relationship with Eli.


He didn’t have all the words to describe what a delight it was to be discovering a new part of himself. At his age, he’d almost given up on uncovering anything new or noteworthy, but now that there was a chance that he wasn’t


done growing, he found himself kind of—excited. Not having a label for it yet wasn’t a huge crisis. In a way, it was a relief.


Laurie eyed him for a second. “Well, I’m glad you seem to be taking this in stride. I’m proud of you.”


“Thanks, Laur. Sorry to be dumping all this on you. I know it’s kind of above the pay grade for an ex-wife.”


She hip-checked him, her arms folded across her chest. “Shut up. You know I’m always there for you if you need to talk.”


“Hey, goes both ways,” Nick said. Then, wishing Eli were there to hear it, he joked, “Like me. Maybe.”


Laurie snickered. “Dork.” Then she lapsed into what seemed like a thoughtful silence, her gaze going distant. They shuffled forward another step as the line moved.


Laurie spoke up once more. “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re—?” She bit her lip.


“Maybe I’m what?” Nick asked.


“Look, I’m just a straight white girl here. I’m not exactly an expert in human sexuality, so I should probably keep my damn mouth shut.”


“No, please. Might be useful for me to hear it.”


That seemed to make her fold pretty quickly. “Well, I was wondering, have you ever considered you might be”—she waggled her head like she did when she was trying to broach a delicate subject—“demisexual?”


“Uh, since I have no idea what that word means, no. I have not considered that,” Nick said. “What is it?”


“I think it’s like—again, not an expert, just read an article in Allure one time —but when someone is only attracted to people they have a deep emotional bond with.”


Nick screwed his mouth to one side. “Isn’t that how everyone operates?”


“Not really,” Laurie said. “I think most people can be attracted to a stranger if they think they’re hot.”


“I can appreciate a hot stranger,” Nick protested.


“Oh yeah?” Laurie scanned the busy mall before pointing to a woman standing about a dozen yards away next to the Sbarro. “What about her?”


Nick sighed and tried to get a look at the woman without appearing too creepy. Thankfully she was busy texting on her phone. She was objectively gorgeous: dark skin, high cheekbones, a sleek sweaterdress hugging her curves, delicate corkscrews of hair framing her face.


“She’s very pretty,” Nick said, facing ahead again.


“And?” Laurie prompted. “That’s it?”


“What do you want me to say?” Nick balked. “Not all men are sex-crazed animals who can’t stop thinking about getting laid!” That earned him a glare from the mother in front of them. Nick grimaced in apology, comforted by the fact that her baby was small enough to be resting against her shoulder; it wasn’t like any of this was going to penetrate. He lowered his voice. “Do you walk around thinking about sleeping with every attractive man you cross paths with?”


“No, but I can picture it if I want. Can you?”


Nick glanced back at the woman in the sweaterdress. As he watched, she was approached by another woman about her age, and they greeted each other with jubilant hugs. He tried to imagine going up to her and maybe asking for her number—shit, did people still ask for numbers?—but all he could think about was how rude it would be to interrupt. His imagination apparently craved some kind of narrative through-line. Did she appreciate goofy action movies? Did she laugh a lot? What was her Monopoly piece? Would she get along with his dad?


“I mean, not without getting to know someone first,” he said. “There’s nothing weird about that. It’s mature.”


“Right, but my point is, lots of people have fantasies that are not grounded in reality. Like, I would never actually walk up to that woman and ask if she wanted to get busy in the Macy’s changing room, but I can indulge in a fantasy, can’t I?”


“That’s… so specific. What happened to being a straight white girl?”


“Oh, please. I may be a two on the Kinsey scale, but if someone that beautiful was down?” Laurie stuck out her lips in a pout. “I would consider it.”


Nick shook his head. “So sexuality is not black-and-white. Great. But I still don’t think there’s anything wrong with only liking people you actually like.”


“No one’s saying it’s wrong! Well, some people might, but they’re dicks.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Listen, you’ve only had two serious


relationships in your entire life, right? Me and Eli. And in both of those instances, you knew us for years before you started dating us.”


That was true; Nick had met Laurie a few years out of college. She’d worked as a server at the Manatee while going to night school to become a registered nurse, and they’d become close. Laurie had liked goofy action movies and board games, and when she wasn’t around her mother, she laughed a lot. After Laurie left the Manatee to start her nursing career, Nick had stayed in touch, and that had naturally progressed to dating, then all the rest. Nick had never made the connection between that and his long friendship with Eli before they started dating in high school, but it was a pretty similar trajectory, now that he thought about it.


“Hm,” he said. He pulled out his cell phone and started googling. “What’s it called again? Demo—?”


“Demisexual.” She peered between his phone and the playground where Zoe was throwing around fake snow. “It’s a flavor of asexuality, so that’ll probably pop up too.”


Nick stopped typing and looked at her. “Isn’t that when someone doesn’t like sex? Because that is not me.” It had been a while since he’d last done it, but he always enjoyed it. And he hated the stereotype that all Asian guys were sexless math-obsessed machines.


“It’s not cut and dry, remember? There’s, like, a complex rainbow under the asexual umbrella.” Laurie outlined an invisible rainbow arch with her hands. “According to Allure, at least.”


Nick tried to look less skeptical, but he couldn’t have been doing a very good job because Laurie rolled her eyes.


“Read up on it,” she said. “Maybe it’ll click, maybe it won’t. I only brought it up because it seemed like a likely candidate if you’re looking for a label.”


Nick had been labeled a lot of things in his life, not all of them flattering. He wasn’t sure he was in a rush to apply a new one, but at least if he did, it would be something he picked out for himself. He’d take his time with this one, and if it turned out it didn’t fit, he could always take it off again.


“I’ll look into it,” he promised, bookmarking a couple of articles that seemed to be from reputable organizations. The ones that promised to “fix what was


broken,” he skipped. Like Laurie had said, fuck them. “It does seem interesting. I didn’t know my approach was so—abnormal.”


“Or we could use the word ‘rare.’ ” Laurie frowned. “Although I’m not even sure if it really is rare. Different? Unique!”


“This is all stuff I can figure out, if it comes to it,” he said with a smile. “Thanks for the insight, whatever happens.”


“And absolutely no pressure to prove my instincts correct, you know.” She nudged his shoulder with hers. “I could be completely off base. As long as you’re happy.”


Happy. He had been on the verge of rediscovering how happy he could be when he’d messed things up with Eli. Finding a word that best described himself was nowhere near as important to him as figuring out a way to show Eli how he felt. If he could convince Eli he wasn’t confused or affected with a case of extreme nostalgia, all the other stuff would follow. He was certain of it.


The line moved again, with only the angry woman with the baby in front of them now. Nick beckoned Zoe and the grandparents over. “Come on, kiddo, it’s almost time to meet Santa.”


Zoe bounded over, her hair in disarray. Grammy Kay took a small comb from her purse and hastily tried to tame it. “I’m going to ask for a puppy,” Zoe squealed as she wriggled away from the combing.


Laurie shot Nick a pained look. “Honey, I don’t know if Santa can swing that. It’s so cold up in the air when he’s flying from the North Pole, a puppy might not be safe.”


“But Alice and her brother Artie asked for one last year and Santa brought it. It’s named Pickle and it’s really long, like a hot dog.” Zoe held out her arms to show precisely how long Pickle was.


“That’s very long,” Ah Gong agreed.


Nick fussed with Zoe’s hair, trying to comb it back into some semblance of neatness with his fingers. He knew she hated the drag of a comb. “Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask. But remember, Santa can’t grant every wish.”


“But it’s the only thing I really want,” Zoe said.


Nick’s heart lurched. He could relate.


“Try to ask for some other stuff too. In case he can’t fit a puppy in the sleigh,” Laurie said, then made desperate eye contact with one of the nearby elves. She made a slashing motion across her throat, and the elf gave a firm nod.


Later, when they were paying for the (exorbitantly priced, they all agreed) photos in their cheesy snowflake-covered frames, Nick took a good hard look at the family portrait: Zoe on Santa’s lap, cute as a button; Laurie and her mom on one side, smiling stiffly; and Nick and his dad on the other, arms flung over each other’s shoulders, a void next to them where Nick’s mom would have stood. She’d hated having her picture taken, but she would have smiled wide anyway, her perfect, toothy “album face” as she called it. He thought about what Eli had said when they were kayaking, about Christmas being a big letdown after the high of childhood, and he wondered how many more good years he had left to make them count for Zoe.


He also wondered if there wasn’t a way to try to recapture that magic for Eli.


“Hey, Dad,” he said as Kay and Laurie argued about who was going to pay for all the pictures, both of them trying to shove their credit cards in the poor cashier’s hand, “do you still have that bike you got from a yard sale?”


“Of course. It was a good deal,” Tian-yi said. “Why?”


“I need a favor.”